Hi Jean - Sorry you are here, too, but thank you for your kind reply. Where are you posting? I’ll look for your thread. All of our stories here are so similar that it really helps to be able to come here and read and learn. As an example:
(JJ- from your link, March 30. This was so helpful! I couldn’t believe the similarities…) ********************************************* She wants to get her life back on track, get the house & kids straightened out. She's at a low point in her life, I'm the only one she can trust. I know her better than anyone else, she wants to see herself through my eyes, the eyes of someone who really loves her, and feel better about herself. I told her that I would be there as her best friend, and help her. Do things WITH her, but not FOR her. She wants my input on things, she respects my thoughts and ideas. We agreed that we can work together as a great team, between the 2 of us we could balance each other and come up with some great solutions. She doesn't want to feel the pressure of trying to work things out in our marriage yet, seems to be too overwhelming right now. She wants to work on us being friends again. She doesn't want to feel smothered by anyone.. *********************************************
I thought about this yesterday. Trying to sort things out. I went to the hairdresser and started reading DB from scratch again. After the Hairdresser, I had to go to the house to get something from H. I inadvertently did a big 180. I was lovingly detached and I looked REALLY different (Hairdresser had given me wild curly look) and that combined with my frame of mind really unsettled him, he told me. He felt suddenly like I was a different person. I was trying not to get into an OR, but he we did a little. It was very productive, though, I think.
I took his hands and sat very close and told him some things very directly and lovingly. That I fully support him making himself a priority. That I am struggling with what he told me on the weekend, because I don’t know how it is supposed to change how we are together (specifically) and I had given some thought to that, and here is what I AM GOING TO DO to alleviate some pressure:
1. I will work on my expectations and try not to get upset if he doesn’t call or email for a while. (I was letting frustration interfere these last few weeks.) 2. I will not wait always for HIM to call or email me (an old DB technique that has lost its usefulness for us). I will initiate, too, and take the pressure off. 3. I will not go to the house without making an appointment first. (This was for me, really- he thought appointment was a cold word, and unnecessary). 4. I will try to just enjoy our time together. (ie not get into these heavy talks every time) And go SLOW.
I also told him I really hope he will not dwell on his guilt and let it keep him from being close if he wants to be. He is trying too hard to do the “responsible” thing (by keeping things in if he thinks it will hurt me, or by staying away when he wants to be with me, because he thinks it will mess me up.) and it isn’t any more fair that way. I told him frankly he’s more messed up than I am. (lovingly) and he’s still an Alien. (!)
It had a powerful effect on us. I felt really strong and like I had said exactly what I wanted to say!!!! And he really got it, and agreed. He also said that it made him see that I am capable of turning things around quickly and that he can feel safe to talk to me.!! The 180 here is that I shook up the balance by not WAITING for him to tell me how to proceed - I took the lead! It felt great. (And the change in appearance helped.)
Then he said something really interesting- That he wants me to know that HE KNOWS BEYOND A SHADOW OF DOUBT that we can be really HAPPY and good together, that we can have a wonderful marriage. Beyond a doubt, from seeing the work I have done, and even how I was last night, and the time we spend together. He also knows that it can only happen if his heart is behind it 110% as much as mine. And that is why he has to take this time to sort it out. I found this really interesting. (vaguely wondered if he thinks the same about OW, but her advantage right now is the distance and that he misses her).
So now I have a plan. I will follow through with the things I told him when I deal with him, and be less available - back off lovingly. Dim. SPACE. See if he'll miss me. Build my strength back up. All the stuff you have told me. I am not dense, it just takes some to get through sometimes , lol.
Thanks for helping me through this. I feel stronger and renewed quite a bit.
LeeP
[This message has been edited by LeeP (edited 07-13-2001).]
