Help. Crashing pretty hard (JJ - I wish I had seen your post a little earlier. It might be too late now.
It's our anniversary. H dropped another mini-bomb yesterday. He says that he isn't in any shape to be in a relationship with anyone right now. He has been thinking for a couple of weeks now that he just should be alone and sort this all out- get to know himself again before anything else. Without the pressure of anyone waiting in limbo for him (me or OW).
He is torn by loving me and missing her and this is the only way he sees to deal with it. Says it isn't fair to me or him. He doesn't have any idea how long this might take and he doesn't know who he'll become on the other side.
We spent the night talking and crying and then eventually going to sleep in each other's arms. I am not taking this well. He keeps saying that he really loves me very much. Is so sorry for all the ways he's messed up our life. At the clearest point that we were able to talk he said that he still loves me, does NOT want a divorce (he reminded me that he has never brought up the word), he still wants to be with me that he just has to be able to kind of suspend those feelings- hold them separately from the rest of this mess- the financial part, the work, the house, friends...and he has to do some work on himself. He says that if he gets to that and then decides he wants me back- he will stop at nothing to make it happen. It doesn't mean he wants me out of his life. He still wants to be close- to be my friend. He is almost jealous of the ways I have grown and changed- and that I have become a wonderful person, he wants to be that.
I am trying to understand this. And I'm not doing very well. I feel that I pushed too hard, wasn't patient enough. Showed my foolish frustrations. Because I see they truly are foolish. Yes, I should have been avoiding the OR's and just building on the base. (we have been doing that, too).
Can anyone tell me- should I be feeling that this is the end again? Or should I not let it derail me? I told him that I can understand that he feels he has to do this, and that this may seem like the best way for him to solve the being in love with 2 women (tell them to both move on) thing. But he can't control how I feel, and I still feel we can work this out. I can't turn off my feelings, but I will respect his decision. I have a hard time believing that this work he'll do will lead him to discover he's so different than he thinks- that he won't still love SOMEONE. The last 9 months been proof of just how much we can overcome, and still love each other in a pure way.
I'm so sad. Even after all the times I have felt lately that I am ok on my own, I feel lost now, and I just can't accept that we aren't together suddenly. It is inconceiveable again. Today, I woke up with his arms around me,and it is our anniversary. We're both a mess. I felt like I should leave, to avoid the damage of him seeing my pain. Yet, I just could not go. And he asked me not to - he wanted me to be close. I waited til he was in the shower, then I left him an anniversary card and left. (no car- walking). he called my cell phone and said he wanted to wanted to come get me. He read the card and it suddenly reminded him of where he had put his wedding ring (he had put it away, and had been worried he'd lost it). He said he found it and is wearing it today (first time in 7 months). He came to pick me up and brought me back to my parent's place. He held my hand and said over and over that he loves me.
He had to go to work. Now I'm alone. I don't know what to think. Sorry this is so long and rambling.
