H made a real effort this weekend. He had his daughter for some of it and we ran into each other at the Market- first time I saw my 6 yr old stepdaughter in 9 months. It went fairly well. He called me later to see if I was ok after that. He said she was ok with it, and he even told her she'd probably see more of me.
Then he made quite an effort for my birthday, too. Made dinner, lit candles and treated me really well. No big grand things- he said he was glad to be part of my day. The evening was quite nice - went without any difficult or emotional moments. The next morning we went hiking (spontaneous- he blew off work to go) and then we each had our own little emotional moments- but we comforted each other and talked through them. Then we each retreated to our caves, ha ha.
He tells me "I love you" a lot. He asks me often to tell him how I'm doing, what I'm feeling. We have a lot of quiet times when neither of us want to bring up something hard, though, too.
And where is he at now? Well, 3 weeks after breaking up with ow, he is still getting over it (duh). He loves me, he loves her, but says that doesn't change how much he loves me. They are in some contact, but its lessening. She is guilt tripping him now a little - saying that she "has trouble not thinking he ruined her life". He volunteered that to me. I just listened and then much later, I told him in a simple way that it bothered me for 2 reasons: 1) we're talking about 1 yr of her life as opposed to 14 of ours... and 2) she didn't seem to mind when it was me on the other side - and I'm guessing that she wasn't nearly so respectful of ME... He agreed and said it was good for me to tell him this sometimes cause he knows I must think these things, I'm not doing it in a threatening way and that even though it is hard, he has to face what he makes me feel. So - point taken. But I am being careful.
The biggest thing I can't shake right now is that he is willing to talk, and be open (slowly) and really loves me, but is not ready to recommit, and doesn't know for sure if he will. And he is still scared that what he'll tell me will hurt me. (He hasn't put it this way, but I know basically that's it). He knows I am in a kind of limbo - (a disadvantage for me??) He really appreciates the differences in me. And praises me often for what I've done with myself- says he hopes to be more like me when this clears up.
He does get nervous when I don't respond to his email right away or if I seem in any way distant.
I don't bug him about this recommitting thing, or about OW. We are planning to talk about their relationship soon. He's afraid to tell me about it (understandably) becasue he knows it will hurt me and maybe I won't even want to speak to him. I tread very carefully. He knows I am committed. He knows I love him. He is trying to "let everything settle". He said this has been the lowest month of his life, and he doesn't know how to get out of feeling paralyzed (between loving two people), though it has gotten better, he's made some of the toughest decisions of his life, to correct some of the biggest mistakes of his life. I tell him when he is making me feel good, and he seems to respond when I need affection. He knows I have moments when I don't really know what I'm waiting for. And it does create a small sense of urgency in him. (small).
Our times together are doing well to make us feel safer talking and closer, if not are sometimes frightening too (as you know from my posts).
(This little recap list is me taking stock and trying to see things clearly, btw- sorry it is so long.)
Basically I am wondering now - should I keep doing what I'm doing or should I be concerned that he is still suffering emotionally over her? (I know it hasn't been much time, really). Is there anything I can really do about that? Am I missing something I should be doing? Sometimes it is so scary not knowing what will happen.
