I need help in telling myself what NOT to do. Amy hit the nail on the head when she told me that b/c I had learned so much I wanted my W to learn what I've learned too. I have a really strong urge to "forcefeed" what I've learned to her so that she will see the light. I just feel like time is ticking and time is NOT my on my side. Seeing my new place was another kick in the nuts that I knew was coming, and it hurt like heck regardless. That step of setting up my own new place felt nauseating. I know I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and GAL and moving is part of that process. But this reality sucks bad.
Any pearls of wisdom to bolster my strength to stand back and let her feel and learn on HER time would be greatly appreciated. I desperately want to stop leaning in the direction I just mentioned because I know I am only leaning out over a cliff of death and doom for my M. Ugh!!! Time to pray! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Ms. AmyC, any prayers on a thread that would lift my spirits right now?
Not specifically but on the heels of another melt down this is all I have:
Lord, I thank You for this struggle. If it weren't for this, I might still be lost. Thank You for opening my eyes. Lord, I long to find my Peace in You alone. Lord, help me to not be swayed by my circumstances but grounded in the knowledge that Your Word is Truth. Lord, keep me busy by revealing to me any area of my life that I have not submitted wholly to You and help me to do so. Help me to release my wife to Your care. Walk with me and talk with me while I await the manifestation of my faith when this restored family will glorify You forever. Amen.
Ummmm....hope you don't mind if I borrow that for myself .
Thank you again, dear Amy. You always manage to support me in just the way I need.
more journaling 5/12/06
Tonight I helped out my W (yes, AGAIN) with work. It really wasn't a big deal. However, I do get a tinge of sourness when she will ask me to help her out but she won't soften her stance on wanting to be divorced. That's why I DB/DR on faith and put my M and W in God's hands.
I know that healing my W and my M is beyond my abilities. I know that God wants my M and W healed. I pray for patience, understanding and thick skin. It is so confusing that my W tells me she is not lying to me and I know she has on several occasions since we have been apart. She was justifying one of those lies under the guise of not wanting to hurt me. I was thinking, uhhh......thanks.
Tonight we actually had a nice time when she returned to the house. We talked about my A and our feelings about it. She is hurt so badly by what I did and her ability to trust is crushed. THAT crushes me. I wish life could be lived with a rewind button. I also asked her if she had sought out any counseling. She said no. Yes, GH, I know any of my thoughts/suggestions would be viewed as my trying to be controlling and GET what I want. Ugh.
Our time together was actually light hearted and fun. She cut my hair, we joked around and laughed, shadow-boxed for fun (touching was even allowed, WOW! ), worked out some, and talked about our angelic D5. I miss my W so. I miss my family. I miss living with them, hugging them, kissing them, being there for them in EVERY way. I am so sad.
I sooo want to offer my W some great information about the reasons for an affair that I have read and listened to. We talked about my reasons and I was able to articulate them because I now have a better understanding of them. She listened. She seemed pleased to hear what I had to say. I feel like my window of "opportunity" is slipping away with each passing day.
We get along in so many great ways it makes me so sad the we let the landscape of our M deteriorate so badly. I believe that we have what it would take now to build our M better than we ever did before. I pray she will hesitate, look and listen to God's word and will. I pray she will be open to considering a move towards me and God. I pray that she will take the necessary for the restoration and reconciliation of our M.
Please include me and my family in you prayers. I need all the strength and stamina I can muster. Good night.
Quote: I wish life could be lived with a rewind button.
My H says this all the time, about everything, but esp. about his A ... I'd rather have a fast forward button and get through this to the other side as quickly as possible.
My mother pointed out that one in rewind and one in fast forward means that the tape will break ... or the DVD will be stuck .
Just live life as it goes ... no time shifting allowed.
Your post reminds me of a men's group I attended. We had a saying there that was appropo for men (& women also): Be here now. Thank you for taking the time to remind me that I need to focus on what IS, not what I wish I could change. You're words struck home with me.
I am really struggling with wanting to help my W open her eyes to the possibilities of restoration and reconciliation for us and our M and our family. Please include me and my family in your thougts and prayers. TY Kacee.
I am leaning even harder towards busting my DB/DR efforts by wanting to try to fix OR by myself. My W has been so kind and open towards me lately. I suppose that is all the more reason to believe in God and my DB/DR efforts and just continue to GAL, to back off and move forward as though OR is over. THAT makes me sooo sad to think in those terms. Grrr, I still want to offer her some of the great information she has, she'll be in the car for 2 hours tomorrow and could listent to it then, but ofering the information is probably not a wise thing to do, right? Would look like me chasing and/or trying to fix probably, right? Ugh. I hate that I have done what I've done and hurt her the way that I've hurt her.
I will pray for now and continue to turn myelf, my family, my W and my M over to Him and trust that He will do His work in all of our lives as long as we trust in Him and display patience. I know that all will turn out well as long as I stay out of my (normally disastrous) fixing mode.
The more my W and I talk, the more positive interactions and times we have together. I need to trust that our ability to have those times are small miracles in and of themselves. I am fighting my urge to focus only on the end result that I want to see. I know that celebrating each and EVERY small miracle will produce more of them in a synergistic way.
The enemy holds no power over me as long as I trust in the Lord.
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), worked out some, and talked about our angelic D5. I miss my W so. I miss my family. I miss living with them, hugging them, kissing them, being there for them in EVERY way. I am so sad.
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