Thank you again, dear Amy. You always manage to support me in just the way I need.
more journaling 5/12/06
Tonight I helped out my W (yes, AGAIN) with work. It really wasn't a big deal. However, I do get a tinge of sourness when she will ask me to help her out but she won't soften her stance on wanting to be divorced. That's why I DB/DR on faith and put my M and W in God's hands.
I know that healing my W and my M is beyond my abilities. I know that God wants my M and W healed. I pray for patience, understanding and thick skin. It is so confusing that my W tells me she is not lying to me and I know she has on several occasions since we have been apart. She was justifying one of those lies under the guise of not wanting to hurt me. I was thinking, uhhh......thanks.
Tonight we actually had a nice time when she returned to the house. We talked about my A and our feelings about it. She is hurt so badly by what I did and her ability to trust is crushed. THAT crushes me. I wish life could be lived with a rewind button. I also asked her if she had sought out any counseling. She said no. Yes, GH, I know any of my thoughts/suggestions would be viewed as my trying to be controlling and GET what I want. Ugh.
Our time together was actually light hearted and fun. She cut my hair, we joked around and laughed, shadow-boxed for fun (touching was even allowed, WOW! ), worked out some, and talked about our angelic D5. I miss my W so. I miss my family. I miss living with them, hugging them, kissing them, being there for them in EVERY way. I am so sad.
I sooo want to offer my W some great information about the reasons for an affair that I have read and listened to. We talked about my reasons and I was able to articulate them because I now have a better understanding of them. She listened. She seemed pleased to hear what I had to say. I feel like my window of "opportunity" is slipping away with each passing day.
We get along in so many great ways it makes me so sad the we let the landscape of our M deteriorate so badly. I believe that we have what it would take now to build our M better than we ever did before. I pray she will hesitate, look and listen to God's word and will. I pray she will be open to considering a move towards me and God. I pray that she will take the necessary for the restoration and reconciliation of our M.
Please include me and my family in you prayers. I need all the strength and stamina I can muster. Good night.
), worked out some, and talked about our angelic D5. I miss my W so. I miss my family. I miss living with them, hugging them, kissing them, being there for them in EVERY way. I am so sad.