I am trying to quiet the growing # of negative voices in my life regarding my W and my sitch. I am also working to quiet the voice that influences me when my guard is down ... the enemy's. The enemy is working OT on me to convince me that my W is doing what she is doing of her own accord. I know the enemy is working OT on her as well.
I pray for strength for me and my W to hold the ememy at bay. I pray for the strength to NOT fall victim to his negativity. I pray for God to remind me what Amy reminded me of, that God wants for my M to survive and for my family to remain together MORE than I do.
And DAILY I refer to the verse of the Serenity Prayer that Amy gave to us:
Quote: God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.
I know that DBing is right, even if my W does not know it.
A friend asked me today, with all of the stuff that your W keeps throwing your way, when are you going to get mad. I told him, I am hurt, saddened, and confused. Anger is only going to temporarily mask those real feelings that I don't want to feel right now. Anger won't make them go away. I told him that I am afraid of what I am capable of if I allow myself to start getting angry. It's safer for everyone if I stay in authentic feelings and away from added anger. That way, I don't end up with a restraining order, in jail, etc.
I have finally gotten to the point that, once I am in my own place (by the EOM), I am ready to stick to my schedule with our children and NO MORE! No more helping her out on my "off" days, no more taking care of our children when my W brings them in the office and "dumps" them b/c she has "work" to do. NO MORE. It stops as soon as I get in MY place. I won't be mean about it, I'll just be firm and matter-of-fact. I am relieved just saying that.
