Sorry to see that things are kinda slipping here, but I still am happy to see that you're doing such a great job with your PMA. Lots of days you really inspire me when things are looking down in my sitch.
With regard to the house thing, let me just say this. Stop. Don't do anything at this point. I'm not sure where you live and I can't say for certain that the laws in your state are similar to those in my state, but the fact is, whether it was hers before the M or not, that property is part and parcel of the marital estate. I know in PA, even if your name is removed from the deed, its doesn't make a spit of difference because the law sees that property as being held by the marital couple, regardless of whose name is on it. The fact that it was gifted to her before the M may be of signficance when it comes to asset division down the road, but right now, you both have the same legal right to the property. Besides, you are on the loan as well, correct? Why would you want to cede the asset and still be on the hook for the money?
Look, I know this is a senstive area for you and I know you may be hesitant to p*ss off your W, but don't just go giving up the farm to appease her.
That's my .02 worth.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: It is always God's will that a marriage be restored.
I believe this is true. I know I must trust my faith and trust God. As I hear on Sundays, God is good, all the time.
Quote: SHE however, having free will, can choose to walk contrary to that.
Herein lies the rub. I know I must trust God, and hope that my W is both open to see/hear His will and be willing to act on Truth.
NOTE: Last night my W met with an old GF (one where the R was not severed on good terms. My W began telling me about her interaction as positive. I interrupted her and told her I did not agree with her rekindling that friendship, as I remembeer it from before. My W told me that her GF had become a devout Christian in the past 6 years. My W also told me that people can change; YOU of all people should know that. I told her that I hope she gets what she is looking for in rekinkling that friendship and told her that I was only concerned for her. She said she know.
On my way to my sister's house I called her back, and told her that I needed to tell her that after some reflection, I had changed my mind. I have interacted with some people who claim to be "devout" believers who are the most judgemental people I have run across.
I told my W that what she said stuck with me. That people can change. I told her that I believed that people can and DO change and that I would not be opposed to listening to my W about her R with her GF. One of my thoughts was that if her GF is truly a devout Christian, perhaps her GF will have a positive impact on my sitch. Perhaps the GF coming back into her life is a sign of God's will. I don't know, but it's certainly a possibility.
One last item, my W asked me to take our children for awhile on Saturday to help her out. My inclination is to do it. My hesitation is that that would be "more of the same." I don't know. I am soooo confused. Ugh.
Sorry to see that things are kinda slipping here, but I still am happy to see that you're doing such a great job with your PMA. Lots of days you really inspire me when things are looking down in my sitch.
I am sorry and sad too. However, I don't have a lot of control over making the sitch more positive for now. I am happy that my PMA helps you.
With regard to the house, in CA, this is a community property state. I am no lawyer, but I do believe that since I have been willingly placed on the deed (and yes, on the loan as well), I do have a legal right to the house, or at least to be "bought out." I don't know how it would work out in asset division, but again, I did NOTHING to ask to be put on the deed and the loan. That step was taken to benefit my W and to follow her wishes. And YES, regardless of whether I sign off the deed or not my name is still on the loan.
I do believe I will sign my name off the deed regardless. Yes, even with my name still on the loan. I believe it is the right thing to do. Right is right, always. Everything else will all come out as it should. I have control over being true to myself.
You are correct. I do not want to make her more upset than she already is. Her heart is hardended right now. I don't want to make it petrified.
I'm glad to see that the situation with your wife's old friend took an interesting turn. I've gotta tell you, you were starting to come off like a parent - letting her know you didn't approve...etc...
So see what happens.
God shows up sometimes in the way we would LEAST expect.
As for the weekend and taking the kids...no offense, but you don't take advice on that when it's given...so we all know you're going to go pick up the kids. Just like every weekend.
So just go and have fun and don't worry about all this.
Quote: I'm glad to see that the situation with your wife's old friend took an interesting turn.
It certainly has.
Quote:
I've gotta tell you, you were starting to come off like a parent - letting her know you didn't approve...etc...
And that is bad because of ...? Just kidding. Thanks for pointing it out. I don't want to come across as judgemental.
Quote: So see what happens.
I will. No choice.
Quote: God shows up sometimes in the way we would LEAST expect.
THAT is just what I was thinking. I need to be open to SEE his work, to LISTEN to His word. Made my change my tune quickly when I realized the possibilites./
Quote: As for the weekend and taking the kids...no offense, but you don't take advice on that when it's given...so we all know you're going to go pick up the kids.
Just like every weekend. So just go and have fun and don't worry about all this.
I am so transparent and predictable. I nug myself by being that way in my sitch. I am just having the worst time NOT doing "more of the same."
Side note: I met with the owner of property that we manage for and he was telling me where he is emotionally. He is looking over the edge and wanting to throw in the towel. He's about 2 months further along than I am in the process but he's gone about the process of lifting is MA and spirits in his own way. He's screeching to a halt and VERY unstable. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for me too.
My question with him is, do I try to help him pump up his PMA and will to continue fighting for his M? OR, do I just leave him alone? I just don't want to step on his toes and upset a solid professional relationiship in the process of trying to help him. One last option is to ask him what I can do to help him during his time of need. Any advice?
My owner friend called tonight and we spoke for a long time. He told me that his counselor told him what mine has told me. Quit. I told him that I am NOT quitting. I have hope but I am not optimistic. I am open to reconciliation, but I am moving on and GAL.
One more SAD piece of knowledge. I know that my W is now talking to the second (that I know of) man about getting M. NICE. At least 2 in less than 4 months. She is so confused and running so fast. She has not figured out that she is not going to find happines in someone else. As her mother always says,
Quote: "Happiness is an INSIDE job."
He also told me a story of a friend of his who has been D for 5 years now. About 3 years after the D, his W called him to tell him that she figured out that she made a mistake. She figured out that she traded "known" crap with her now ex-H for "unknow" crap that she has since discovered. She also said that she figured out that the grass is NOT greener elsewhere and that she wished now that she had worked on her M. The friend did not take the bait. We both agreed, THAT is a real kick in the nuts.
THAT is why I am keeping myself open to reconciliation for as long as I can while GAL. NO ONE in my family and few in my circle of friends understand why I hold out hope. No matter, I know why. I also have figured out who supports me in the way I need to be supported who is focused on themselves.
My owner friend and I agreed that we would talk and now I have the green light to "infect" him with PMA and the willingness to remain open to reconciliation while his W sorts out her STUFF. I am happy that my friend and I talked about our mutual pain and need.
Quote: One more SAD piece of knowledge. I know that my W is now talking to the second (that I know of) man about getting M. NICE. At least 2 in less than 4 months. She is so confused and running so fast.
I am hurt, saddened and confused by her behavior. Strange thing is, I am not angry. I also have not quit. I had a friend tell me that the reason I know what I know is because my W is shrewd and being vindictive by making sure I know what I know about her activitites. I truly do feel that everything she is doing is a one little dagger after another planted deeply in my back in an effort to bleed me out so that I will give up on our M.
Unfortunately, she has understestimated my love for her and our family, strength, resolve, stamina and faith. The time may come to pass when I can no longer hold on. God will let me know when that time is. Until then, I hold on to my FAITH.
Quote: Faith is...the evidence of things not seen. -Bible, HEBREWS 11:1
I am trying to quiet the growing # of negative voices in my life regarding my W and my sitch. I am also working to quiet the voice that influences me when my guard is down ... the enemy's. The enemy is working OT on me to convince me that my W is doing what she is doing of her own accord. I know the enemy is working OT on her as well.
I pray for strength for me and my W to hold the ememy at bay. I pray for the strength to NOT fall victim to his negativity. I pray for God to remind me what Amy reminded me of, that God wants for my M to survive and for my family to remain together MORE than I do.
And DAILY I refer to the verse of the Serenity Prayer that Amy gave to us:
Quote: God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.
I know that DBing is right, even if my W does not know it.
A friend asked me today, with all of the stuff that your W keeps throwing your way, when are you going to get mad. I told him, I am hurt, saddened, and confused. Anger is only going to temporarily mask those real feelings that I don't want to feel right now. Anger won't make them go away. I told him that I am afraid of what I am capable of if I allow myself to start getting angry. It's safer for everyone if I stay in authentic feelings and away from added anger. That way, I don't end up with a restraining order, in jail, etc.
I have finally gotten to the point that, once I am in my own place (by the EOM), I am ready to stick to my schedule with our children and NO MORE! No more helping her out on my "off" days, no more taking care of our children when my W brings them in the office and "dumps" them b/c she has "work" to do. NO MORE. It stops as soon as I get in MY place. I won't be mean about it, I'll just be firm and matter-of-fact. I am relieved just saying that.
DEVELOPMENT: In my reading Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, he states that if you can rate as little as 20% of your M at level 4 or level 5 (on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the best) you have a better than 93% chance of making your M better than ever. I was e-mailing with my W tonight and then she let me call her b/c I told her I am not the best typist (I'm not the worst either ). We went over some child stuff and then she told me that she wanted me to answer quesions about my A honestly, so I did. She also asked me how she is going to trust anyone again? I told her that I was truly sorry for hurting her ability to trust so badly and then I reassured her that she would be able to trust again, but that trust would need to be earned. I told her more info from Torn Asunder, that Trust = CB/T, which means Trust = Consistent Behavior over Time. I then asked her if I could ask her a question. I asked her the question about the % of our M our marriage over time that she would characterize at level 4 or level 5. Her answer? 20-30%. WOW.
Now I know that none of this information means a thing if I can't get my W to read/listen to/buy in to the information from Torn Asunder. If I am able to at least get her to soften her stance and hesitate on our D path, we will be able to DB/DR our M back to health.
THAT would be God's plan. THAT would make all of us happy, healthy and whole. Thanks for listening.
Today was a mild rollercoaster of emotions. Nothing too high, nothing too low. The disconcerting part of today was that I just felt numb.
When my mood was low today I turned to praying for God to give my W eyes and ears to see His will and hear His word. I also prayed that my W would be open to seeing and hearing God. I do, however, know that the enemy is at work in my W and in my family and he will work to defeat God's plan. I pray daily to ask God to use me as His servant and to help me to be the man He has always intended me to be. I also pray that he will fortify my W in her battle with the enemy so that she will be able to glorify God in her life and with me in our M.
A big thanks to AmyC. I have really learned how to pray in a heartfelt and meaningful way from reading what she has to say. When I pray in the way I have learned, I am comforted and confident in knowing that His will is for me, my W, my M and my family to defeat the enemy and his treachery. It is after praying that my PMA is pumped up and I am spiritually nurtured and fortified.
Ugh.
). We went over some child stuff and then she told me that she wanted me to answer quesions about my A honestly, so I did. She also asked me how she is going to trust anyone again? I told her that I was truly sorry for hurting her ability to trust so badly and then I reassured her that she would be able to trust again, but that trust would need to be earned. I told her more info from Torn Asunder, that Trust = CB/T, which means Trust = Consistent Behavior over Time. I then asked her if I could ask her a question. I asked her the question about the % of our M our marriage over time that she would characterize at level 4 or level 5. Her answer? 20-30%. WOW.