Well, no dinner parties, per se, but it was an eventful weekend – hope everyone else had a good one, too
Friday night, I went to see H- He had said he wanted us to “connect” so he could feel me “close to him” when he went away. Set the tone, so to speak. I thought that was a good thing, and it was a nice night. I didn’t ask the questions, Kent, but I did tell him I wanted to. And I also told him some of the things I had been wondering about OW, too, because we got on the topic. It worked out nicely, ‘cause I got to kind of put the bug in his ear about what I’d like to talk about, but didn’t pressure to do it right then (I did learn a few things about ow and where they’re at). I think it went a bit easier than either of us thought it would, which was good, too. And he said the next morning he was feeling stronger than he has in a while.
Saturday, he was playing a gig before he was going to leave, and I thought of going to surprise him, then made other plans, instead. I had asked a good friend of ours to take some pictures of me at the beach to commemorate the “new me” before my 29th birthday. (this is new for me!) And so we did that. I bought a journal for my H and left it for him, (for his trip) and went off to the beach (my favorite place in the world). He called me in the evening as our friend and I were going to have dinner and he ended up joining us for a drink. He was a little disappointed that I hadn’t gone to the show, but was really excited about the pictures… Considering he hadn’t told me where the gig was or what time, I still felt bad, but I’ll go next time. (I have rarely missed a single one).
Sunday, as he was leaving, he sent me a short email to say he hoped I wasn’t offended that he wasn’t inviting me on the trip, but I was kind of the focal point of it, and that he’d really like to take me with him on a trip like that in the future.
I spent the day starting a new creative project for myself, and looking at pictures and thinking a lot. Was a great day. I feel pretty positive today. I hope it’s a good week. My last week of being 28. I’m living it consciously, for me!
Thanks for the shot of PMA - with my birthday looming close (and mine is a bit higher than 29 LOL) I am still feeling apprehensive. (actually, the 'anniversary' of when H and I 'got together' is also drawing very near...wonder if he'll remember)
I will be pulling for you and wishing you PMA while you H is gone.
I am trying to keep a PMA. Been doing quite well, working on "Me" projects and generally "Acting As If". Left H alone. He made contact today to say he's back "from the dead", doing much better, crying less and feeling better overall. He said he's ready to "be better about stuff- ready to take more of US on, open things up, wants to talk again soon, etc...".
He really did sound better. He called right after he emailed me and at the end of the conversation he asked how he "did" in the conversation - ie was he considerate of me and responsive... like he was asking me for a verbal "comment card"! He is trying. I really see it.
He still speaks rather cryptically, like in the phrase above, and I am left wondering, HUH???
He asked if we're still on for Sunday night (my birthday) and that he's broke but still wants to spend time with me" - I know he's trying. BUT. I still don't feel so special, you know? He compliments me a lot, but I still sit here wondering... "oh, you're broke because you spent 9 months shmoozing the girlfriend and now I get the leftovers." It has nothing to do with money, it's the expectation of "Nothing much" that he seems to prep me for.
It's a process and I'm sure he doesn't even clue in yet that he has some winnning me back to do too.
My posts have been a little disjointed lately. Sorry gang. I have up and down a bit, but I think more Up than Down – that’s good.
I wanted to try something out on you guys...
H says he’s ready to open up the dialogue more. He seems to have gotten himself to a better place. We talked a little this morning about “how to talk about ow”. We have both been nervous to bring it up, I want to go at his pace. I have been worried, too, that talking about her will make him miss her more. I even told him that. Is there any good time to do this? He says he is ready to do it. We had talked about this kind of “immunity” conversation. Not a one-time-thing only, but a chance for him to be honest and not be afraid of how I’ll react. And for me to ask whatever I need to know. Not for the faint hearted, I know. I really hope it will bridge a gap, if we do it right.
I don’t know what experiences you guys have had out there about pictures, cards, objects, but I told him that I think I would like him to show me some of that, tell me the stories. He was pretty shocked by that, but not scared off. He thinks it is “big” of me to want to see that. I explained that I think it will make it more tangible. I don’t want there to be things in the house that I am afraid to find. And I don’t want to feel like there are so many parts of him that are closed off in secret. Until this point in our relationship, I really thought I knew ALL his stories, I knew all about him. It used to make us both feel comforted. I want to believe that we can have that again.
We agree that we won’t do this on my birthday (had a laugh over that). But soon.
I think it's great that he is wanting to be so OPEN with you - and I also agree probably not the right time on b-day!!
I found, and H has confirmed this, that whenever we talk about OW he gets to feeling SO guilty that it ends up with him wanting to retreat further back into his shell. He says his guilt is sometimes so overpowering he cannot deal with it. I on the other hand have a very hard time not getting angry. I try to relax and control my feelings and say over and over 'he's here...with me...and etc' and that usually works and he only sees a calm, rational L.
Just be very sure YOU are ready to hear all the things he's gonna say about her. I thought I was, and still I think I am 'about there', but inside, where he cannot see, I still get angry feelings whenever she crosses my mind or we talk about it. Not really anger at her, because she had no clue about me, but anger at what we have lost, like you said...I thought I knew everything about him but now I find I barely know him at all.
It can be rebuilt. It takes so much patience and understanding - on both sides. Just remember (yeah, like you'd FORGET - LOL) to go SSSLLLOOOWWW. Don't get to feeling like it's not going fast enough and yous guys are not 'getting there'.
You will get there. But like I am realizing my H's A didn't happen overnight. We'd been heading down that 'something's gonna happen' road for a few years before anything ever did. It's gonna take at least that long for it to not to be such a wedge between us. I have (almost) gotten to the point where I am not obsessed with what we could have done to prevent and what we did wrong, but am still hung up on the "why he did it" and how to prevent it in the future.
I guess what I'm babbling on about here is to gear your talks towards the future; of course the past has to be 'worked out' (if not, like in my case-progress is slower...I wonder if he'll ever truly open up to me). Face the past - to both of your satisfaction, then move forward.
Like the song says "...take it easy, take it easy, don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy..."
Thank you so much. I really need to hear this today. I will need to prepare myself for him to feel guilty and me to feel anger. Could be that either one of us retreat afterwards, but talknig about doing it has brought us closer a little.
Loss- that too. I have been feeling it more lately, because of our anniversary next week.
I am having trouble not being impatient to go faster, simply because we are not living together and it's so discouraging to not know if he'll ever want that again. He doesn't talk about his intentions often, and I understand why- he says he wants to under-promise-and-over-deliver unlike before.
I fantasize about him telling me he is sure he wants to recommit. I wish he'd ask me to come home. I know this is way too soon.(Knowing is half the battle.) It's just that when we have a difficult moment, I get more anxious, thinking he'll just give up. It's really an issue for me now. I'm not afraid of the hard work, but it would make my part of forgiving easier if I knew he was committed to the work.
I don't even know that he isn't. It's all pretty confusing.
Anyway, I can understand your obsession with knowing the "why's" and the details of what has happened between them does scare me a little.
One more thing, hard as it is, you really want him to see ONLY your patience and understanding...if you show him that YOU are committed, he will more apt to 'fall in line' so to speak. It is ok to tell him sometimes that you're frustrated or not feeling that confident about yourself (never tell him you're not confident about HIM b/c it'll make him think YOU think he's not trying), and then when you do, ask him out loud for some reassurance...a hug (etc). It sounds stupid, but actually saying "I'm feeling bad I need a hug" gets me much further than sulking and hoping he notices. I have found that my H responds pretty compassionately to this.
It is dam hard but you've come this far. You can do this.
L
p.s. when ever you feel like you're gonna go bug$hit, come here and holler at me/us!!!
H made a real effort this weekend. He had his daughter for some of it and we ran into each other at the Market- first time I saw my 6 yr old stepdaughter in 9 months. It went fairly well. He called me later to see if I was ok after that. He said she was ok with it, and he even told her she'd probably see more of me.
Then he made quite an effort for my birthday, too. Made dinner, lit candles and treated me really well. No big grand things- he said he was glad to be part of my day. The evening was quite nice - went without any difficult or emotional moments. The next morning we went hiking (spontaneous- he blew off work to go) and then we each had our own little emotional moments- but we comforted each other and talked through them. Then we each retreated to our caves, ha ha.
He tells me "I love you" a lot. He asks me often to tell him how I'm doing, what I'm feeling. We have a lot of quiet times when neither of us want to bring up something hard, though, too.
And where is he at now? Well, 3 weeks after breaking up with ow, he is still getting over it (duh). He loves me, he loves her, but says that doesn't change how much he loves me. They are in some contact, but its lessening. She is guilt tripping him now a little - saying that she "has trouble not thinking he ruined her life". He volunteered that to me. I just listened and then much later, I told him in a simple way that it bothered me for 2 reasons: 1) we're talking about 1 yr of her life as opposed to 14 of ours... and 2) she didn't seem to mind when it was me on the other side - and I'm guessing that she wasn't nearly so respectful of ME... He agreed and said it was good for me to tell him this sometimes cause he knows I must think these things, I'm not doing it in a threatening way and that even though it is hard, he has to face what he makes me feel. So - point taken. But I am being careful.
The biggest thing I can't shake right now is that he is willing to talk, and be open (slowly) and really loves me, but is not ready to recommit, and doesn't know for sure if he will. And he is still scared that what he'll tell me will hurt me. (He hasn't put it this way, but I know basically that's it). He knows I am in a kind of limbo - (a disadvantage for me??) He really appreciates the differences in me. And praises me often for what I've done with myself- says he hopes to be more like me when this clears up.
He does get nervous when I don't respond to his email right away or if I seem in any way distant.
I don't bug him about this recommitting thing, or about OW. We are planning to talk about their relationship soon. He's afraid to tell me about it (understandably) becasue he knows it will hurt me and maybe I won't even want to speak to him. I tread very carefully. He knows I am committed. He knows I love him. He is trying to "let everything settle". He said this has been the lowest month of his life, and he doesn't know how to get out of feeling paralyzed (between loving two people), though it has gotten better, he's made some of the toughest decisions of his life, to correct some of the biggest mistakes of his life. I tell him when he is making me feel good, and he seems to respond when I need affection. He knows I have moments when I don't really know what I'm waiting for. And it does create a small sense of urgency in him. (small).
Our times together are doing well to make us feel safer talking and closer, if not are sometimes frightening too (as you know from my posts).
(This little recap list is me taking stock and trying to see things clearly, btw- sorry it is so long.)
Basically I am wondering now - should I keep doing what I'm doing or should I be concerned that he is still suffering emotionally over her? (I know it hasn't been much time, really). Is there anything I can really do about that? Am I missing something I should be doing? Sometimes it is so scary not knowing what will happen.
I think you are doing all the right things. I wish I had it in me to be as calm, rational and patient as you are being. Keep up what you are doing because it's working! As far as his being unwilling to recommit right now maybe it's simply his fear that's holding him back. I betcha he never thought he'd ever cheat and I also betcha he's told you that. So how does he trust himself now? I'm not saying he's got another one lined up and waiting it's just that he knows you don't trust him, at least not yet, and he's probably not too sure he trusts himself, because of what he's done. He doesn't want to recommit to you because of HIM, he is afraid of what it means. He knows he's screwed up...royally and he wants to be sure he's sure and you're sure. Not sure he loves you and wants the marriage back, but sure he can live up to what he expects of himself. He also knows that he's hurt you (and OW too, I'm sure he feels guilty about that...much as we don't want to hear that). I think it's more about him than you. Continue to give him the space he needs and keep up your PMA!
Thanks for the encouraging words, Me2. You've given me some things to think about. I agree that he doesn't trust himself right now. He doesn't trust himself to know what he wants or to live up to his own word. He says he doesn't know himself anymore. He also has to be honest to himself and to everyone else for a change, and I can see how that is tricky when you're feelings are so intense. Recommitting not exactly the priority right now.
This week has been odd. We had a good day together Monday, then I haven't heard hardly a word since then.
I haven't been initiating much contact either. I have been just working and taking care of me and feeling somewhat happy just doing that. Dropping the rope a little. He's been dealing with his very busy world, and I feel a little brushed off. He says it isn't so- but we'll see. Our anniversary is Monday. He asked me for my thoughts on how to spend it, (was the first time we really talked about it) I told him I'm torn between not wanting to face his indecision and ambivelance that day- spend it alone- or with him, being hopeful- I just don't know.
He left me hanging on that- didn't have time to talk about it right away (yesterday), (yet he was more upset than I was about it) -but I am getting frustrated today- still no continuation of that conversation. So much for wanting to "underpromise and overdeliver". He seems quite content to let me sit and wait for him right now.
I hope it’s a good week. My last week of being 28. I’m living it consciously, for me!