Sheesh, I am loooong winded. I scroll down my own posts and shake my head in disbelief. Oh well, I have a lot to say about my sitch. I do find this site therapeutic.
Today was an extremely busy day at work. That helped me to keep my mind off of my marital troubles for much of the day but the overriding feeling is one of suffocating sadness. I often struggle with my attitude of I want what I want and I want it NOW! But then again, I am doing my struggle in silence and on my own. THAT is a big step forward for me and I am happy that I am making progress every day in bettering myself and my ability to make proper choices.
I am working daily to consciously change the direction of my thoughts when my mind moves toward my W. But work is only able to divert my attention for so long. I must eventually go to my sister's place and get some sleep. It's approaching midnight and I need to get up at 6:00 AM and get back to work. It's nice that I am good at and enjoy what I do. Gives me confidence. Makes me feel better in a down time.
Looks like I am not going to be able to get into my place until the first weekend in July. That makes me a little sad, but I do look forward to getting my own place to hang my hat and take my children. The prospect of getting my own place, I know, is part of GAL, but it hurts like hell. I long to be home with my W and my children.
BIG KICK IN THE NUTS! My W calls me today to tell me that she has taken steps to have my name taken off of the deed of the house and ALL I need to do is go and sign the document and have it notarized. She asks me if I would have time today or would Monday be better? Sounds like a salesperson in her presentation, huh? I tell her that I will get to it when I have time. We talk again later and she hands me a bill for our co-parenting counseling session. I hand it back and tell her to use some of the money we received back from our tax return. She gets pissed and tells me NO, that that bill is part of the D and it is mine to pay. I ended up telling her that she received the whole tax return and my ENTIRE pay for 2 1/2+ months. She still insisted that she was being fair. I'm sure that in her mind she is. Sad. She's deluded by being involved with her new boyfriend. I don't blame him. Heck, I don't blame her really. It just makes me so sad. I gave her the get out of M free card with my A. That's what prayer is for.
I only hope that she looks inside and truly sees the damage she is causing in the path she has chosen. She may not, I understand that. I also understand that I put the ball in motion with my A. Perhaps my counselor was right, may subconsciously I wanted to end my M but was to afraid to do it. Regardless, the end result seems the same, doesn't it.
I have been edgy all day today. I am not sleeping enough. I'm short with people. I don't like my behavior very much today. Ugh. Amy and others have warned me that the worst was yet to come and I know it's only just begun.
I went and took a test for a different job opportunity. Passed that and now I get to take two more tests. We'll see what happens. I also received a good news call today from a state departmenet regarding an application for a license. We'll see what happens with that as well. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that I need to be the man that God always intended for me to be. I am trying to quiet my mind to listen for His word, His direction.
Today, I feel like I am behaving like I always felt my W was, straddling the M line, one foot in and one foot out. But, then I calm my mind and realize that God is in control and that I need to put my faith and trust in Him to heal me, my W, my family and my M. This time in my life is a true test of my FAITH.
Quote: FAITH is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations. -Elton Trueblood
I am struggling to maintain my PMA momentum. I am down, but not out. I am losing these battles, but I will win the war.
Quote: FAITH is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we belive. -Saint Augustine
I need help with my PMA and my faith that what I am tring to do is the right path. Any encouragement and prayers you offer are greatly appreciated. I need help stying on my feet. I would also appreciate being directed to any scripture that you believe I would find useful and uplifting in living in my sitch. Thank you.
P.S. I just left GH's thread and got the boost I needed to keep on keepin' on.
Quote: As the saying goes, "Stand up for something or you'll fall for anything."
Amen, brother. I stand for my M and family. I stand for what is right. I can't win if I quit. I won't quit.
Just the kick in the pants I needed to get me off of my pity pot and back into the game of saving my M. God is with me. I need to remain with me. My W and the enemy are working to try to get me to give up. I WILL NOT give up on my W nor my M. The enemy is going to lose this war.
Quote: God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless. Amen -my Beloved AmyC
Thank you all again for being here for me whenever I need you.
Legally, it is ours. She needed for me to co-sign to refinance the house and roll and in a 2nd. I did so w/o question...she is my W. Anyway, now that she has had a change of heart with regard to being M, she wants me to sign my name off of the deed. Problem is that I will still remain on the loan. The house is a rental BTW. We did live in the house before we moved to where we live now.
To answer GH's question, YES she will be mad. Extremely. And I understand that I could be feeling, "Who cares?" But that is just not me, even now. The house was gifted to her before we married and then through her own "needs" she had me commit for a loan for a house that was not mine. Again, I did so w/o question and believing that nothing would change on the deed. SHE is the one who told me that I AM on the deed and that I could ask to be "bought out" of the house. I did verify that I am, in fact, on the deed. The house has a LOT of equity. I just don't feel that would be the right thing to do, regardless of the outcome of our M troubles. Does that make sense here? It certainly doesn't to most of my RL friends and family, except one. But then again, to most of my RL friends and family AND her own mother, I should have already thrown in the towel on our M.
I have two friends who "basically" understand that I am working to save my M and preserve my family. I am truly feeling like I am alone. That is why I am leaning so hard on my DB/DR brethren and God and looking at myself in the mirror and reminding myself daily WHY I am DBing; because doing so is doing right. I want to save my M.
So much of the world doesn't understand me. Oh, well, I understand me and I have been striving to always do the right thing: 1)grow my faith, 2)save my M, 3)preserve my family, 4)maintain my self respect and dignity in the process, 5)personally grow, and 6)GAL. Pretty small order, huh?
Well, brothers and sisters, thanks for listening to another rant from me.
Quote: But then again, to most of my RL friends and family AND her own mother, I should have already thrown in the towel on our M.
I can completely relate to this. No one will give me any positive advice. My brothers basically want me to drag my W through the mud. My dad wants me to cancel her car ins/registration, shut off her cell phone. All my friends say it just wasn't meant to be. Listening to all this negativity is really tiresome.
Since the house was given to her before you even married her, the only right thing to do is remove your name from the deed. When in doubt, always take the high road. You know, that "narrow path".
I often feel like down, close to wanting to quit, but then I remind myself that right is right and then I refer back to the Serenity Prayer and the additional verse that AmyC offered up.
Quote: God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless. Amen
I don't just think, I know, that fighting for my M and to keep my family together is right and righteous. So do you. Keep on keepin' on. In the future, I know I will NOT regret trying everything to achieve redemption, resoraration and reconciliation for myself, my M, my W and my family. Other than growing in my faith, I cannot think of a higher purpose for me.
Regardless of my W's ultimate decision, I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of whtat I have been trying to achieve. I am proud of me so far. I have grown as a person, a man, a Christian, and a father. I hope for the opportunity to show my growth and changes directly to my W, but I know that that opportunity is in the hands of God and my W.
When I pray, I start with my thanks for whatever comes to mind; always my children, my W, the beautiful day, all of you DB/DR brethren, etc. I progress to praying that God work His will in our lives and reveal His word. I also pray that we will be open to receiving His will and His word and that we will find the will within ourselves to act upon what we see and hear from God.
I understand that what I may hear and see from God regarding my M may. quite possibly, not be what I want. I don't believe that will be the case. I believe, as Amy does, that God wants my M and family to be put back together more than I do. But I am prepared for the possibility that my want may not be His want or will. I pray the He will open my eyes and show me that that is His will and He knows better than I. THAT is me giving up control. A HUGE positive step for me.
That makes me a little sad, but I do look forward to getting my own place to hang my hat and take my children. The prospect of getting my own place, I know, is part of GAL, but it hurts like hell. I long to be home with my W and my children.
My W and the enemy are working to try to get me to give up. I WILL NOT give up on my W nor my M. The enemy is going to lose this war. 