Need Help Staying on My Feet, cont'd

[Still_Standing]

journaling 6/7/06

BIG KICK IN THE NUTS! My W calls me today to tell me that she has taken steps to have my name taken off of the deed of the house and ALL I need to do is go and sign the document and have it notarized. She asks me if I would have time today or would Monday be better? Sounds like a salesperson in her presentation, huh? I tell her that I will get to it when I have time. We talk again later and she hands me a bill for our co-parenting counseling session. I hand it back and tell her to use some of the money we received back from our tax return. She gets pissed and tells me NO, that that bill is part of the D and it is mine to pay. I ended up telling her that she received the whole tax return and my ENTIRE pay for 2 1/2+ months. She still insisted that she was being fair. I'm sure that in her mind she is. Sad. She's deluded by being involved with her new boyfriend. I don't blame him. Heck, I don't blame her really. It just makes me so sad. I gave her the get out of M free card with my A. That's what prayer is for.

I only hope that she looks inside and truly sees the damage she is causing in the path she has chosen. She may not, I understand that. I also understand that I put the ball in motion with my A. Perhaps my counselor was right, may subconsciously I wanted to end my M but was to afraid to do it. Regardless, the end result seems the same, doesn't it.

I have been edgy all day today. I am not sleeping enough. I'm short with people. I don't like my behavior very much today. Ugh. Amy and others have warned me that the worst was yet to come and I know it's only just begun.

I went and took a test for a different job opportunity. Passed that and now I get to take two more tests. We'll see what happens. I also received a good news call today from a state departmenet regarding an application for a license. We'll see what happens with that as well. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that I need to be the man that God always intended for me to be. I am trying to quiet my mind to listen for His word, His direction.

Today, I feel like I am behaving like I always felt my W was, straddling the M line, one foot in and one foot out. But, then I calm my mind and realize that God is in control and that I need to put my faith and trust in Him to heal me, my W, my family and my M. This time in my life is a true test of my FAITH.

FAITH is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations. -Elton Trueblood

I am struggling to maintain my PMA momentum. I am down, but not out. I am losing these battles, but I will win the war.

FAITH is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we belive. -Saint Augustine

I need help with my PMA and my faith that what I am tring to do is the right path. Any encouragement and prayers you offer are greatly appreciated. I need help stying on my feet. I would also appreciate being directed to any scripture that you believe I would find useful and uplifting in living in my sitch. Thank you.

P.S. I just left GH's thread and got the boost I needed to keep on keepin' on.

As the saying goes, "Stand up for something or you'll fall for anything."

Amen, brother. I stand for my M and family. I stand for what is right. I can't win if I quit. I won't quit.

Just the kick in the pants I needed to get me off of my pity pot and back into the game of saving my M. God is with me. I need to remain with me. My W and the enemy are working to try to get me to give up. I WILL NOT give up on my W nor my M. The enemy is going to lose this war.

God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless. Amen -my Beloved AmyC

Thank you all again for being here for me whenever I need you.