I wholeheartedly agree with ReB, that my A was not my W's fault. She does share 50% of the blame for the deterioration of our M over time. One of the most troubling aspects of my DBing efforts is that my W has maintained that she ALWAYS gave 110% to our M and that I am 99% of the problem in our M. ReB says that his W needed to acknowledge her part in the deterioration of the M for it to survive. I am VERY afraid that that insight will not be coming for my W. Since that is my belief, I am extremely sad. Sad but hopeful. Hopeful but not optimistic. Again, I know I need to rely on my faith and believe that only God has the ability to heal me, my W and only God has the ability to offer restoration, redemption and reconciliation.
ReB stated that he never received forgiveness. Thus far, I have not received forgiveness. However, during my long intimate conversation with my W the other day, she actually realized that, NO, she had not forgiven me. Strange as it may sound, I believe that that realization by her is the start of removing some stones from the huge wall she has built around herself to protect her from someone (ME) who has proven himself to be so untrustworthy, deceitful and unreliable. I know that I have not right to expect forgiveness, but I hope for it each and every day.
I have ONLY been honest with my W since my A came to light. I have:
-profusely apologized for my terrible chosen path
-promised a life of unfailing monogamy
-answered all of her questions
-stood tall against her anger w/o excuses or my being angry myself
-took what I had coming from her
-vowed to always be open and honest with her regarding OR
ReB wrote that he would have like to hear something similar to this from his W:
Quote: "You have hurt me more deeply than I ever thought possible. You broke your promise and violated my trust. I need you to understand my pain and help me move throught it. But I sill love you. I still want you. If you will commit yourself to never seeing Linda again, and working with me to discover how we can make something better out of our marriage, then I will not hold this affair over you head. It will take time...it will take work...but I will give you a fresh start. I will forgive you."
Now, I know that ReB wrote that, but I would love to have my W tell me something similar, to express a willingness to let me back into her life as something more than the father of our children. I know that I have NO control over her willingness to forgive me and release herself from the hurt of my A. For now I must wait, believe, put my trust in God, pray for Him to show me and her what, where, and how He wants us to be. Patience has never been my strong suit. But I get better every day. Giving up "control" to God has never been my strong suit. But I get better every day.
FORGIVENESS
Quote: My W's forgiveness was not sokmething I could requrei from her. It is a gift that some give, while others do not. Without it, though, the wounds of an affair are not likely to heal. Also, in listening to Torn Asunder, they talk about when forgiveness is not granted, the person unwilling to give forgiveness will carry the unhealed wounds with them throughout their lives, especially when children are involved. I hope to someday receive the forgiveness that I long for. I would be incredibly thankful if my W would soten her stance and be willing to again work on making our M what we both wanted and deserve.
In the comments, ReB states more that I agree with. I agree that it is possible to offer forgiveness and that trust and respect must be earned over time with consistent reassuring, expected behavior. With respectul and trustworthy behavior, trust WILL be re-built with a lot of hard work on my part. We drifted apart in our M. My W often went out with friends to relax. My thought of relaxation was to come home and be with our children and her. With gently assertive conversation regarding my wants and needs in our M, I believe we would have found a fulfilling balance for both of us.
Another comment:
Quote: good marriages don't "just happen" - and it takes 2!
More from ReB that I agree with.
Quote: ...if a marriage is to heal after an affair has taken place, then both spouses have to own up to the ways they contributed to the condition of ther relationship.
The reason for my fear spoken by ReB. I worry that my W will now forgive me, will not own up to her part in the deterioration of our M, choosing to abandon the blaming.
ReB's story reminded me of a conversation with my W about a year ago. After she had had a rough day(don't really remember the particulars), I asked her,
Quote: "Why are you so mean and nasty with me? You don't treat anyone else this badly."
Her response has haunted me. She said,
Quote: "Because I know I can be myself around you and I know you will never leave me."
I was hurt by what she said and also honored. She knew how much I loved her because I always showed that to her. Unfortunately, I felt as though the constancy of my love was boring and devalued. Definitely a strange dichotomy.
Well, those are my thought on the affair blog and on my own A & M. I hope for the best.
I pray that God will show me and my W His will.
I pray that both she and I will have our eyes open to see His will.
I pray that both she and I will have the willingness to ACT on His word.
I hope the I will be redeemed.
I hope that I will receive her forgiveness.
I hope that our M and OR will be restored.
I hope that we will have reconciliation and make our M better than it ever was before.
