*children are the unintended victems. <---absolutely. Hindsight again. Grrrr. *I remember a lot of confusion (child explaining his feelings) <---brings me to tears that this is my D5's feelings. *(same sone expressing feelings)...it was my birthday, and all that happened was when I came home there was a card from mom and a book from you, and it made me feel really unappreciated at the time, like everyone was too busy with their own problems to worry about my birthday...<---again, choke up. My worst fear coming to life in vivid detail. *(youngest son) It's stupid we all have to pay for something we didn't do, but that's what happens sometimes... <---Ugh, I know I can't change the past, but I sure wish every day that I could. And every day I work on forgiving myself for my transgresssion.
I am saddened by that VERY real possibility that we may never have family time like we experienced family time in the past. Also, I read comments of spouses who chose a different path than mine has chosen and that makes me sad. I don't pursue my W, I don't bug her to reconcile, I don't pressure her to spend time with me. I have chosen to stand back and to DB and workn on bettering, accepting and forgiving myself. I have also chose to focus my energy on loving my children and growing my patience with my D5 who is VERY confused by all of this.
What I don't do is speak ill of my wife for playing the hand that I dealt her as she sees fit. It's her life; her right. I will never forget that I am the one who dealt her this crappy hand. Sometimes I will think selfish, pitiful thoughts and I tell myself to stop it. I love that woman. Always will. She deserved better from me. She deserved for me to come to HER to discuss my feelings of lack in our marriage. She deserved for me to be a man, not a coward. I hope that I will get that chance in the future to be the man she wanted when we married.
I agree with a lot of what ReB says in If I Could Go Back. I also
Quote: have little doubt as to what my choice (regarding an A) would be. If I could go back, I would not have an affair. I wouldn't even to close to the line.
I also would
Quote: ...like to think I would make other choices as well. Instead of just accepting the state of my marriage, I'd want to be more honest in dealing with it's problems--no longer pretending my disappointments didn't exist--and work harder at understanding how I contributed to the conidition of our relationship. I'd want to put more effort into salvaging my marriage instead of escaping from it.
Amen. Too bad real life doesn't have a d*mn rewind feature to undo what we've done wrong. I know that all I can do is learn, live, and love, so that is my plan. I am learning from my mistakes and my correct decisions, I am working on GAL, and I love my W, our children, our families, my friends, and I love ME. Loving me is a novel concept. I am kinda liking it.
In closing, on Post 26 Words I never Heard, ReB said that he needed his W's forgiveness for them to have any chance of survival as a married couple. He stated that he never received that. I fear that that will be my fate also. I can't make my W forgive my cowardly decision and my terrible failure to communicate my feelings to her regarding the state of our M. I do pray daily that God will show His will to her and that my W will not only hear His word, but be open to listening and acting towards my redemption, our restoration and our reconciliation.
