Here is an answer to you question about my thoughts on the affair blog.
I truly wish I had found DB/DR, Torn Asunder, and this blog. The impact on me would have, I truly believe, kept me from stepping out on my M, my W, and my children. I feel worse now than I ever did before because reading the blog and the comments has truly made my disastrous decision look even more cowardly, immature, amoral, thoughtless, selfish, and monstrous.
The blog mentions that
Quote: Affairs come from a need that a person believes is not being met. What I find so upsetting is that both men and women fail to communicate that need to their spouse.
THAT was me. My unmet needs were needing to feel affirmation, adoration, affection, and appreciation. Even accomodation was missing, as my W was there, but not really. (Those 5 A's are from Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder) As she defines it now, she needed/s "me" time. What I needed (& still need) wasn't coming from home and I was too scared and cowardly to go to my W to discuss my needs to devise a plan WITH her to improve our M. Honestly, I was afraid she would just want to throw in the towel on our M because that is what she said to me all too often. I know, I was a total chicken sh*t.
The COMMNTS go on further explaining the problems accompanying a mid-life crisis. It also says that often the person in the thoes of a MLC doen't even realize what is happening to them. My personal counselor also mentioned that I was the right age to be going thru a MLC. The blog further explains men and women go thru hormonal changes which helps facilitate out of character behavior. One other ingredient to the volatile A cocktail mix in my life was low self-esteem, made worse by my NEED to make myself happy by trying to make my W happy, but to no avail, thus I often felt like a failure. I also generally felt "measured" by my wife. She was not shy about telling me the ways that I was not "measuring up." Sad thing is, she did (& doesn't) see it and I was awful about being gently assertive. Sometimes, after biting my tongue for so long I struck back and then she would say that wasn't her "intention." I then did a cowardly thing, for fear of my W's reaction in talking to her regarding MY needs from her in our M, I stepped out to obtain my need for appreciation, adoration and affirmation. My fear was from my W's penchant for telling me she wanted a D, as I posted in my origingal thread. That was my stupidity in thinking that NOT talking with the one person I should have been taling to about our M would somehow keep us married. It seemed logical when I was knee deep in the BS I was slogging through. Nothing makes less sense than trying to save your M by yourself with no plan, no roadmap, no help.
To this day, her good intention is her honest "defense" to saying what she wants/feels. I have given up trying to explain to her that good intentions are useless when the action/words are seemingly thoughtless and definitely hurtful to others. I am not sure she will ever get that, but I pray she does because we have 2 beautiful children who do not deserve to be impacted by my W's "intentions."
Going further, ReBeliever mentioned feeling spiritually empty. I actually described my feelings as being spiritually bankrupt. Same desperate feeling. I used my feeling to blast through my marital vows and selfishly and stupidly disregard the consequences of infidelity.
In listening to more comments, I read some items that made me feel like a worm. Items like: *how can a man give up on his family?<---cowardice. *It's about love, respect, commitment, loyalty...things that you owe to your spouse.<---how did I abandon my morals? *This affair is not just about you..your kids were deeply affected and this is so horrible.<---don't I know it now. *Nothing will change the past..sorry will not cure it.<---don't I know it. *adultery is seen as a very cruel act in the courtroom.<---I agree. *Shutting people out is easer than admitting to being a scumbag.<---vividly describes how I feel. *Hold on to the people who offer you grace.<---I do. *He cheated on all of us as far as I am concerned.<---I have to live with what I have done. *...the scars will never go away....<---I have to live with my impact. *Eventually, a man like me will bring upon himself more punishment than anyone else could inflict.<---I have. *...regret, remorse and sadness....<---my feelings. *I just want you to know that your confusion/guilt/etc cannot compare to the pain your wife felt when you turned her world upside down. You did not have to turn to another woman and thereby punish your wife with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and a fear of trusting people...whether that be you afterwards, or any other men who enter her life. The scars will stay with her for the rest of her life and that is YOUR fault.<---couldn't hit closer to home. *violate my W's trust. <---ouch. *isn't it more like-fear, guilt and shame that keeps affairs in the dark?<---absolutely.
I now know that my A has caused my W to question her value as a person, W, friend, mother, lover. My affair was a blow to her trust in me, faith in me, love for me. I was deceitful during my A because I was ashamed. I didn't tell ANYONE. My A was thought up in secrecy and carried out in secrecy. I am still so disappointed with myself that the shame was not enought to kick me in the nuts hard enough to make me understand that I was doing something immoral, shameful, deceitful, disrespectful, and destructive. Not wanting to share my actions should have been a siren telling me to STOP! DON'T GO THERE! Unfortunately, I was hurting, selfish, suffering from low-self esteem, feeling like a failure, and desperately wanting those 5 A's. Unfortunately, I didn't have words for what I was feeling. I had a hole in my being that I couldn't fill. Also, I was so full of myself that I didn't look outside of myself for counsel to work on me and work on my M.
ReBeliever writes
Quote: I did not deserve grace or forgiveness from her, but I wished for it.
A sobering fact. I know I also do not deserve grace or forgiveness from my W, but I do wish for it, everyday.
ReBeliever also gives the following:
Quote: What Pulled Me to My Family *My children. *A sense of duty. *A sense of shame. *A faint hope.
What pulled Me to Linda actually there is NO Linda for me. What I Hope For With My Wife *Affirmation. *Connection. *Comfort. *Sex And some that I added from Torn Asunder *Accomadation. *Adoration. *Affection. *Appreciation.
My thoughts echo ReB's closely, with my additions. And of course, I would work to find out what EXACTLY my W's needs are (from her) so that both she and I will be fulfilled IN our M and not feel the need to look to others.
One of the comments is a W saying,
Quote: My husband's affair is over for him, but sadly not for me, he has lost the one true and honest love of his life.
D*mnit. I have truly ruined the love that my W held for me and she may never be able to love me as her H again. THAT crushes my spirit.
Well, GH, those are my thoughts for today. I will add more later. I have 5 posts left to read. I'll get through them tomorrow. I am tired and need to get some sleep. Any prayers and positive thoughts for my strength, faith, and perseverence would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
