I don't want to be looked at by my W as smooth. Amy, I know you meant this as a compliment for apparent progress, but it really stuck with me as, perhaps, a way that my W may be looking at me. That is, as a smooth performer, and not just ME. Oh, well, time will tell what the future holds for me and us.
Keep remindin' and encouragin' me to continue DBin'.
I don't want to be looked at by my W as smooth. Amy, I know you meant this as a compliment for apparent progress, but it really stuck with me as, perhaps, a way that my W may be looking at me. That is, as a smooth performer, and not just ME. Oh, well, time will tell what the future holds for me and us.
Keep remindin' and encouragin' me to continue DBin'.
OH GOOD GRIEF! Yes, I meant it as a compliment so don't you dare go letting the enemy twist my words. Stop sweatin' the small stuff and press on through the crap that gets thrown in your path. Let me tell you something that got thrown in my path. My D10 was exposed to some VERY inappropriate sexual behavior at the hands of her half-sister who lives with my husband's parents (and him). This occured when D10 spent the night with her father several times over last summer. She first came to me in November - about a month into my efforts to reconcile. She came to me with much more detail in February, when I was neck-deep in DBing. The details were such that I knew I had to take action and it could result in my marriage being destroyed. I was willing to take that risk for my daughter's sake. Fast forward to now, D10 is well-adjusted and in counseling, H has met with her therapist and is supposed to be seeking therapy for SD16 as well. But don't you think for one minute that I didn't come thisfrigginclose to throwing the baby out with the bath water. I did, but through much prayer and reflection I found I could save my daughter and continue to DB.
What I am saying to you is that when things get thrown into your DBing path, think long and hard & seek the Lord. There is always a right way and a wrong way to handle things. We can not allow our flesh to determine what we do. We walk by faith and not by sight.
There's a time to stand up (like you are doing to save your marriage). And a time to stand down and just trust God, Who wants your family saved even more than you do.
I know it was a compliment. I am such a worry wart at this point as I stare into the abyss of a D that I do not want. I worry that she will believe all of my growth and changing is not real. I have ZERO credibility with her. Well, let me climb off the pity pot. I have more than ZERO credibility since she still seeks my opinion and counsel on her personal stuff. A positive? I think so.
Quote: Stop sweatin' the small stuff and press on through the crap that gets thrown in your path.
W/O you and GH to kick my rump, I'd be lost. Thank you.
I am so sorry to hear about what happened with you D10. But, I am extremely happy that you kept the faith and kept DBing to make things better for you and your family. WTG! You give me hope. My problems always seem so BIG to ME when I'm knee deep in my own shi*t. Then I read sitches like yours and realize I need to quit whining and get down on my knees to express gratitude and pray for His will to be seen by my W.
Quote: What I am saying to you is that when things get thrown into your DBing path, think long and hard & seek the Lord. There is always a right way and a wrong way to handle things.
I have started saying right is right ALWAYS. That's so true. The other thing is that just b/c my W chooses to behave the way she is does not mean I have to follow suit.
Quote: We can not allow our flesh to determine what we do. We walk by faith and not by sight.
My faith grows each and every day. Thank you Amy.
Quote: There's a time to stand up (like you are doing to save your marriage). And a time to stand down and just trust God, Who wants your family saved even more than you do.
Amen, I am learning, I am learning. In my past I would have always stood up to everyone's detriment. Now I have my DB/DR, AmyC, GH, PaRob, RBinBR and the rest of my DB brethren. THANK YOU ALL. You have all given my the backbone I would have lacked to stand up and fight for my M after the hand I dealt to me and my W. I know we still have a LOOOONG way to get out of the woods, but I haven't stopped believing, having faith, praying, hoping, loving, DBing, and moving forward. I now recognize that I DO have a choice to strive to do what is right to seek redemption, restoration, and reconciliation. I am NOT give up!
In closing, my mother forwarded an e-mail to me about whining. I thought it was great. I am going to cut and paste it. You may enjoy it. I thought it was VERY DB/DR-like.
When I Whine > > ~~~~~~~ > > Today, upon a bus, I saw a girl with golden hair > > I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair. > > When suddenly she rose to leave, > > I saw her hobble down the aisle. > > She had one leg and used a crutch > > But as she passed, she passed a smile. > > Oh, God, forgive me when I whine > > I have 2 legs, the world is mine. > > ~~~ > > I stopped to buy some candy > > The lad who sold it had such charm > > I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad > > If I were late, it'd do no harm. > > And as I left, he said to me, > > "I thank you, you've been so kind. > > It's nice to talk with folks like you. > > You see," he said, "I'm blind." > > Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. > > I have 2 eyes, the world is mine. > > ~~~ > > Later while walking down the street, > > I saw a child with eyes of blue > > He stood and watched the others play > > He did not know what to do. > > I stopped a moment and then I said, > > "Why don't you join the others, dear?" > > He looked ahead without a word. > > And then I knew, he couldn't hear. > > Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. > > I have 2 ears, the world is mine. > > ~~~ > > With feet to take me where I'd go. > > With eyes to see the sunset's glow. > > With ears to hear what I would know. > > Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. > > I've been blessed indeed, The world is mine. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > If this poem makes you feel like I felt, > > just forward it to all your friends, > > after all, it's just a simple reminder.... > > We have soooooo much to be thankful for!!! > > ~~~~~~ > > Sorrow looks back, > > Worry looks around, > > Faith looks up.
does anyone else have a thought on my question posed on post #1163940? My guess is everyone is probably leaning toward the answer I have already received.
Backsliding X 2- Tonight I took our children back to their mom. My W asked me to put away all of the items I brought back to the house. I told her I would, like I always do. She said last time you didn't. I said really?? She said yep. I then put my foot all the thru my mouth and into my stomach by telling her, "Well, you must have pissed me off." Yikes, what a jacka$$ thing to say. Totally unnecessary and mean-spirited.
Then I spoke with my W about the difficult I was having with D5. My D told me repeatedly that I "start mean" with her. She is talking about me holding her to proper behavior standards. I told her mommy does the same thing with you. She shook her head and told me NO. I talked with my W tonight about the fact the I have ALWAYS worked to remain on the same page as her so that we would present a united parental front. She acknowledged that is true. I asked her to please let me know in the future if she has changed the parental playing field so I don't look like a hard a$$ to our D. She agreed and that she understood what I was telling her. I told my W, I don't think you do. She responded that she does not lie and that I could take her at her word. I said unfortunately, lately, I have become aware that your word is NOT good and you have told me several lies lately. OUCH. True, but OUCH. I did NOT need to tell her that. I dropped the whole thing right then, not wanting to make my backsliding more glaring than I already made it. I left shortly after that. Obviously I had not processed and forgiven my W about the story my D told me this weekend. That poison was still coursing thru my veins.
Well, I left there and now I am working to rid myself of the devil's garbage, tricks, and rhetoric. I am stronger that the devil with God's help. I will win this battle for myself, my W, my M and my family. I work everyday to be the man that God has always intended me to be. It hurts when I trip, but I am strong enough to get up and continue on.
I tell you, working on myself is HARD work. I keep reminding myself that I and my M are worth the work. Right now everything looks so dark. Despite that I am more determined than ever to do what is right.
Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages by Barry and Emily McCarthy
I had ordered this book BEFORE my W ever mentioned her concern about how our sex life evolved into a Low-Sex M and that her desire for me had dwindled causing the deterioration of our sex life, intimacy and closeness.
Mind you, our previous MC had pinpointed this for my W as a "Madonna complex." We both looked puzzled. Our MC explained to my W that she was interested in sex when the relationship was new, tittilating, exciting, "jr. high"-ish...not mature. When the relationship matured, her interest in her mate died.
We had great sex in the beginning. She got pregnant early and felt "trapped," in her words, being married and a mother. I always had the notion that she wanted to be single and childless. I don't live inside her head, but I watched all of the actions. Our MC told my W that she is certainly worthy of a mature love.
I know my W felt the whole thing was an attack on her. She wanted out working with that MC because, IMO, my W was looking for our MC to "side" with her to D me, as she often told me she wanted to do.
Anyway, when my W was really talking with me the other night, she mentioned a fear that our sex live and her lack of desire for me would not improve. I told her that I had just received a book that she might be interested in and she said she was interested. I told her I would loan it to her.
Two things have happened since then (or not happened). 1) She has totally backed off from that positive conversation coming back to HER senses apparently, And 2), she has made not mention of the book.
I have had two responses to my question, both of the telling me to let it die. That makes sense to me. I can't force her to SEE God's will and plan and I can't force her to follow His will and plan either. I know I need to let go and let God. My life is in God's hands and I only pray that He will allow me to see His plan and encourage me to be the man that He has always intened for me to be.
QUESTION #2 Should I broach our last positive conversation with my W again? I most likely already know what the right action to take is.
I know she is an intelligent woman. I know she remembers the content of the conversation and what she expressed to me. Knowing what she is up to tells me that she is running from her own thoughts and feelings about what is right and righteous because her behavior is not sitting right in her head. spirit and heart. I guess it all comes back to the fact that I CANNOT maker her see God's will and plan and even if she saw HIs will and plan I CANNOT make her act on them. Sounds like I am answering my own question, but I would like input from others if you all would be so kind.
Stand up or stand down? Please chime in and help me.
The sad thing is that on either side of the fence, the other party, in this case, your W, usually is mistrusting of "advice" that is thrown over the "fence" to them.
While the book may have some GREAT advice (not personally familiar with it) that could help her and your marriage, the fact that YOU suggested it to her taints it.
Also, one thing I will throw out there is that many times us H's get caught up in "fixer" mode and react to something that our W's are venting as something that they want us to fix when the truth is that they just want us to listen, validate and then move on. Mars/Venus gets into this a lot but I feel that maybe in this case, your W was not looking for you, ESPECIALLY YOU, to fix this problem she has with her desire. She was just expressing her feelings about it, something I bet took a little strength to do. When you tried to "fix" her by offering her the book (oh, BTW, you already having ordered it may have made her feel bad too), you put her off and she recoiled.
This is JUST A POSSIBLE scenario but one that seems plausible to me.
So, I agree, let it drop. She knows you have the book. Unfortunately they just need to come by this stuff on their own and WANT to get the info. When she wants to bad enough, she'll seek it out, and maybe seek YOU out for the book.
