Backsliding X 2- Tonight I took our children back to their mom. My W asked me to put away all of the items I brought back to the house. I told her I would, like I always do. She said last time you didn't. I said really?? She said yep. I then put my foot all the thru my mouth and into my stomach by telling her, "Well, you must have pissed me off." Yikes, what a jacka$$ thing to say. Totally unnecessary and mean-spirited.
Then I spoke with my W about the difficult I was having with D5. My D told me repeatedly that I "start mean" with her. She is talking about me holding her to proper behavior standards. I told her mommy does the same thing with you. She shook her head and told me NO. I talked with my W tonight about the fact the I have ALWAYS worked to remain on the same page as her so that we would present a united parental front. She acknowledged that is true. I asked her to please let me know in the future if she has changed the parental playing field so I don't look like a hard a$$ to our D. She agreed and that she understood what I was telling her. I told my W, I don't think you do. She responded that she does not lie and that I could take her at her word. I said unfortunately, lately, I have become aware that your word is NOT good and you have told me several lies lately. OUCH. True, but OUCH. I did NOT need to tell her that. I dropped the whole thing right then, not wanting to make my backsliding more glaring than I already made it. I left shortly after that. Obviously I had not processed and forgiven my W about the story my D told me this weekend. That poison was still coursing thru my veins.
Well, I left there and now I am working to rid myself of the devil's garbage, tricks, and rhetoric. I am stronger that the devil with God's help. I will win this battle for myself, my W, my M and my family. I work everyday to be the man that God has always intended me to be. It hurts when I trip, but I am strong enough to get up and continue on.
I tell you, working on myself is HARD work. I keep reminding myself that I and my M are worth the work. Right now everything looks so dark. Despite that I am more determined than ever to do what is right.
