I understand, my dear Amy and GH. As I said though, I choose to call myself the one who cheatED, not the cheatER. For most, my S included, it makes NO difference.
One of the things I am really working on is determining which feelings EXACTLY my betrayal caused my W to feel. I understand that I not only need to nail those feelings down, but need to convey to my W that I understand the awful impact I caused in my M and in my W. ONLY THEN, will it be possible for her to forgive me and move forward with me if she chooses.
Believe me, I definitely know how far I have fallen and how far I have taken my W down with me. I will NEVER forget his self-determined disaster that I have brought to my world and the worlds of those I love and cherish most.
I know that I will deserve "smackdowns" on occasion. I want to asure you that I have been soooo careful in being respectful of and loving towards my W regardless of her behavior towards me. I understand her awful hurt that I brought on. I have, on occassion, chosen to focus on being gently assertive in telling her about my feelings regarding her treatment of me, when it's appropriate.
She told me yesterday that I have made TREMENDOUS changes and really grown since we split. She also said that I have shown her "tremendous" (her word) respect during all of this. I'd like to think of that as a positive, but I remind myself not to read too much into positive, neutral or negative interactions. I need to stay on an even keel.
I know that conversation and treatment is now in the past. I must continue on in my DB efforts and respectul, nurturing, loving treatment of my W. Again, I know I am only in round 1 of this battle. I intend on winning most of the battles on my way to winning the war for my M. I strive to keep my backsliding to the absolute minimum. If you all would, please include me in your positive thoughts and prayers.
