Expectations and flawed thinking are getting me down. Problem is, I can see it is flawed, but I can't seem to get my head straight and I'm falling back into "old me" patterns (internally, anyway). Getting depressed, feeling rejected, wanting to reject in return... Kicking myself. All these are negative, I know.
YUCK. "Old me" - even a lump in my throat just thinking about it.
The Expectations I'm talking about:
Was hoping that after H broke up with ow, that he would not have any more contact with her. (Of course not the case. Is it still an EA then??? I don't know if I should think of it that way.)
Was also hoping that after that, he would want to spend more time with me now that he isn't occupied with her. (Wrong on both counts: he is still in contact, and needs to deal with himself and take care of himself - these are healthy, but truthfully, I am scared he'll never pick up the other end of the rope with me.)
Because my birthday and our anniversary are both coming very soon (2 weeks), was hoping that he would pay more attention to making me feel special and wanted. But I know that is unrealistic, so I swing the otehr way and I already EXPECT to feel let down at this point, which isn't even fair to him. That is very much an "old me" pattern.
Maybe it's PMS, I don't know, but I am working myself up about it all. H did ask me to dinner for my birthday, and said he had been thinking about it already, planning it, but it didn't come out that way (long story, but I brought it up before he had a chance).
And these expectations leave me feeling rejected by HIM. (again, an "old me" thing) I am tempted to just disappear next weekend (my birthday), and not tell anyone where I'm going- not even cancel our plans, just not BE here. Let him wonder.
It's more than rejection, it's this feeling that I want to run away somewhere- I never get to travel and I miss it. H and ow went away all the time, their whole relationship was based on travelling... We didn't very much at all. Feeling a little dud-ish.
But I know running away wouldn't make me feel better, and I really want to be better about all this. I want this to work with him, and it's really too soon to be expecting anything from him, I know that. I want to wait "patiently on the other side". I know that is the way to do this right.
2 things are clear: I am venting , and I am expecting too much too soon I really should just go back and reread some of my journals from a few months ago when there was no hope at all, and remind myself to appreciate how far things have come.
I'm at work. We had a mixer, so I'm a little tipsy, forgive me...
H works for same company, diff. dept, diff location. While we were having our mixer, H came by and dropped a gift on my desk - a CD of his music (he's also a musician) which I know off by heart - except the first song which is called "Bottom of my soul". I don't know what (or WHO) this is about. I'd really like think it's about US, cause it's a nice, hopeful song. (If it is then it was really sweet, if it's about her, then it was pretty inconsiderate of him to leave it for me.) What do I think of this? There IS NOONE who knows his music issues more than I DO. Or has had to put up with more crap than I have.
I had sent him a listing of a house for sale, like we talked about, and he sent me back message saying it made him happy. I thought it would make him feel pressured... It's like he's the opposite of the typical WAS sometimes...
Someone should lock me up so I don't do any more damage.
Had an awful night. Can't even tell you how disappointed I am in myself! I went on the offensive over that song on H's CD because I was hurt it wasn't about US, told him he was pretty insensitive if it was about her, and he left it for me. I nkow I'm trying to be open minded and all, but that was too much!He just didn't explain anything about it first, is all.
He was actually trying to do a nice thing for me, (with poor judgement, yes) but I should have been more in control of myself. I know better!
I apologized, he apologized, we both cried, etc... It hasn't been like that in while.
Worst thing was that it has set off a huge round of guilt and self pity and grief in him, and I didn't meant that... yuck. From the things he was saying, I do believe that he is really sorry, really doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and doesn't want to go back to her. I think he's just lost and doesn't know how to go about any of this. I don't know if he's still seeing his counselor (money is tight).
Now I have to think about how to turn this around? I don't want to back off too much, but I don't want to make it worse. At the ery least, I have to put myself on a short leash!
Lee, If you really beleive that H wants to try to fix things and is at a loss as to how, you can help.
1st ask the question directly. If the answer is yes then it is time for both of you to get to work. I like the "Just don't do it" list and the "Do it" list. A good exercise for both of you to develop separate lists and then exchange them. Don't make them long. Limit them to the 5 or so most important items.
This shows where each of you is at and furthermore, it gives both of you the opportunity to prove willingness to do the work.
Just a thought.
Of course if he is not ready, don't waste your time making these lists
Timely suggestion for me, too, Kent. W's began wondering and asking questions about my LF, and some other things I did during our separation. These lists could give us a chance to see where both of us are really at in OR efforts. Will give it a try. Thanks!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Kent - Got to thinking more about the list thing, and, for me, I'm thinking of changing the headings. I'll probably change them to something like "I like it when you…", and "I don't like it when you…". My W is VERY sensitive about thinking that someone is telling her what she should or shouldn't do, and shuts herself off completely. She thinks she's being controlled, and ridiculed and judged about her behaviors. Maybe changing the wording will open her up to it more, and still get the same effect? Any other suggestions on this?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
JJ, Call it what you wish. The goal is to put our secrets down on paper for our spouse to see. I think it's important that you can talk about it. How often do you hear or read " Why does he/she do that?" and often, he/she never had a clue.
H is crashing pretty hard- another wave anyway. Pretty painful to watch. We've only been communicating through email for a few days. It's been up and down, but he is planning a trip into the woods alone to "heal up a bit, focus and hopefully come back a better person" (his words).
He sent me a long letter at lunch telling me that he doesn't know what a nervous breakdown is, but he is feeling the darkest he has felt in these last 9 months, and is worried about what his state is doing to "us". He doesn't think much of himself for company, but asked me to spend some time with him tonight so we can "connect" before he goes away. Yes, Kent, I hear you- he's reaching out (a little). I will rise to it.
I feel very worried for him, and though I think what he's going through is necessary and even good for him, I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to him. He's always been an optimistic, cheery guy. Everyone around him is worried and upset.
It's kind of weird, but it's like he stepped out of Brigadoon... Is he so upset becasue he is grieving for her, or is it the weight of everything that has happened all at once? His concern for what this is doing to "us" is odd, considering there has been such a fractured "us" for 9 months- Did he jump ahead or backwards in time and not tell me?
Anyway, I can relate to the darkness, maybe better than anyone else he knows. Feeling pretty protective of him , actually, even though sometimes I want to strangle him. I can hear you saying to be careful to give space.
"Do not feed or touch the animals"...
Will wait a little longer before trying your suggestion- he;s the bigger emergency right now, I guess.
Lee, This may be the perfect opportunity to ask your question. Wait and see how much he wants to talk. He may be looking for help on how to start rebuilding. See if he says similar words before you ask your question. If he acts confused and disoriented, let him go.
Make sure you send him off with a hug, a kiss and no expectation that he communicate while he is gone. I also suggest you host a dinner party in his absence.
, and I am expecting too much too soon 
