No, we went to a mediator not an arbitrator. Don't know if that makes a difference. My understanding is that H & W are working together moreso with a mediator as opposed to an arbitrator. But I could be way off base. I am no lawyer.
I know this is hard on children. My W has surrounded herself with a bunch of hard hearted women who give her a pie-in-the-sky picture of divorce and its impact on children. As I say, with friends and family like hers, who needs enemies?
Time will tell. I will DB like crazy, make my opportunities to improve OR, pray for His desired outcome to become clear to her for our M and our family. THAT is all I can do is put everything into His hands, including her. The healing powers needed for our M is beyond me. I have no doubt about that. I believe.
Quote: The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. -FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
After the dissolution case is filed, how long does it take to get the marital status terminated? Once the Respondent is served with the Summons and Petition, the marital status cannot be terminated until six months have passed since the service was effected.
What is the procedure for getting a dissolution of marriage? A typical dissolution of marriage requires the following steps: ~The Petition (Family Law) is filed and personally served on the Respondent.
~The Respondent then has thirty days to file a Response (Family Law).
~One of the parties to the dissolution will usually request temporary court orders by filing for an Order to Show Cause hearing. At this hearing, the judge will make temporary child custody, support and restraining orders.
The parties then engage in discovery, which is the process by which parties to the dissolution exchange information and documents that are relevant to the case. One of the required aspects of discovery is the preparation of the Preliminary Declaration of Disclosure. This is a court form in which each party lists the community and separate property. As part of this disclosure, the parties are also required to exchange current income and expense declarations. Other forms of discovery are interrogatorie s (written questions) and depositions (oral examination under penalty of perjury).
After the discovery is completed the parties and their attorneys (if they are represented) will discuss settlement of the case. If the case is resolved by agreement, one of the attorneys will prepare a Marital Settlement Agreement, which will contain all of the terms of the agreement. This is a contract that is signed by the spouses and their attorneys.
If the parties are not able to agree on all of the issues in the case, a trial will take place.
After the parties sign the Marital Settlement Agreement or after the trial has concluded, one of the attorneys will prepare a Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage. This is the document that contains all of the court's orders. The judgment is filed and the court mails a Notice of Entry of Judgment to each attorney.
We went to a mediator. Many of the responses to the court read "rights to be determined." I suppose I just need to call the mediator to figure out what is really a moot point. OR, maybe I should quit giving this sh*t mental energy and focus elsewhere, like on my children.
My good friend told me that at this point he recommends me talking to her when there are NO negative emotions involved to highlight the positive interactions we have had lately and tell her again that I do not want our M to end, that we have enough of a M to rebuild it and make it better and more fulfilling than ever. I hesitate to do this because I believe she knows how I feel. Additionally, I KNOW that she is not ready to forgive me because she told me recently (scroll up to my previous post, if you would like to refer back to that conversation).
Anyway, I really feel that I would only be doing more damage to an extremely fragile M. But then again, I WAS served yesterday, so I'm thinking, "What have I got to lose?" My true thoughts are that I still have a M to salvage. I just don't know that I'll ever know when to quit hoping. As you can probably tell, I am just ramblind cuz I am huring badly. That kick in the n*ts is still smarting.
Oh well, it is what it is and I am where I am. Right? I need to focus on myself, my relationship with Christ, GAL, my children, my M, and my love (from a detached distance) for my W.
If you have room in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate being including in them, along with my W and my family.
This morning my W leaves me a msg on my cell b/c I don't answer her calls any more. I listended to her vague msg and came into the office with the staff pissed off at me b/c my W is calling there to get others to print off loan docs for her signing today and I am not there to handle it. I apologize and explain that I CANNOT do that stuff for my W anymore as a matter of self preservation. They understood.
Also, this PM I received a call from my ex-neighbor (H). He thanked me for returning the call and told me that he had not remained in contact b/c of the W's blowup. He told me that he had advised his W to take the high road in the time after the blowup. He told me that his W asked him to call me to ask MY thoughts on getting our D's together. I told him that I would prefer to sever that friendship because they have had a terrible impact on one another growing up. I did NOT tell him that his child's behavior is terrible nor did i disparage their parenting skills. We left it at that.
Then my W calls me and wants to know about my conversation with my ex-meighbor. I told my W that I think it's terrible that she is choosing to rekindle a horrible friendship and wants to rekindle our D's friendship with a poorly raised child. My W tells me that her wish to rekindle her friendship with our ex-neighbor is NOT the reason for wanting to get our D's back together.
I just got call from my W telling me she believes that she NO say. That I have laid down the law. She also told me that I am being a jerk. I told her being passionate about an issue does NOT make me a jerk. She agreed. She then tells me that she just wants to get our D's together sometimes and I tell her OK, how is this going to look with you managing it? I don't know, she says. Great. THAT makes me feel good.
She brings up the D paperwork and that we need to go back to the mediator to finalize the documents. Another kick in the n*ts. I know it's all part of the process, but ugh. I'll get thru this. Our children will get thru this. I know I need to continue detaching. I know I need to redouble my DB efforts and focus.
WOW!! I decided to take the plunge after having a LENGTHY discussion with my W regarding our treatment of each other, both in the past and lately. She brought up the D papers and I figured now was as good time as any to talk with her about OR because she was talking about finalizing the D papers.
I was afraid to go forward, but what did I have to lose? I followed my friend's advice to talk about our encouraging, positive interactions lately, i.e. her asking for my opinion about rekindling past soured friendships, and our D renewing a bad relationship. Additionally, I have begun putting my foot down and saying NO when I meant NO and actually voicing my opinion, wants, and needs to her. You know, being a man. Imagine that!
We talked about our past failed counseling sessions and what went wrong in those. I told her that during our crisis I have read more about relationships and M than at any other time in my life. I also told her that, from the beginning people have asked me, if your W came to you and asked you to come home right now, what would you say? I told her that I had told them all the same thing, "I would tell her to go and see a counselor and talk to me again about it in a month." I also told her that I would not take our old M back with no hope of change; that that is a recipe for disaster. She agreed. I continued by telling her that we did not need a D to have a NEW marriage; we could make it new by keeping all of the positive parts and working in a solution-oriented way to fix what wasn't positive. She listened intently. Remember, I loaned her the DB book awhile back and she still has it.
She told me that she loves me in a mature deep way that she never fully realized until my disaster came to light. She also said that people who are truly in love would not D over an A. Hmmm..... Shetold me that she also realized that we have a ton of compatibility and that our level of compatibility you can't find just anywhere. She also said that "training" someone to treat you in the manner in which you wish to be treated takes time and it's a sucks to think about starting over. "Training" someone takes years, she says. Again, hmmmm....
We then talked about her sexual issues and why her interest faded dramatically during our M. I already believe I know, but steered the conversation in a different direction. I told her that in my "research" about M, I had recently ordered/received a book that touched on sex and M and would loan it to her. She was agreeable. In fact, I have recently received a TON of material on M.
She asked me why I love her and I gave her a long list of her wonderful attributes. In finishing the list, I said, "Oh yeah, and in case I haven't mentioned it already, you are stunningly beautiful." I knew I hadn't mentioned it already.
By now, I arrive at the house to be with our children and I can tell she is crying softly (we were still on the phone). I go into the house and give her a soft hug and compliment her on how nice she looked. She allows me to hug her and hugs me back. THAT was my first intimate touch of her in almost 4 months.
Maybe I am reading too much into this, but it sounds like she may be softening her heart towards me. What that will mean in the long run, who knows? Tonight she went out to dinner. I don't ask her about her activities cuz I don't want to know the particulars, again for my own sanity.
Now, it is up to me to play it cool and work on not be a DBing fool. Work with me people, please! I will continue to post and I hope to hear from all who have proper perspective, positive, insightful, and encouraging cheerleading. I am in the hands of my DB brethren and God. Give of yourself, please. Help me work my role in my life properly and reap the rewards of my DB work. I need an Oscar for this performance. Nothing else will do.
You are TOO smoooth, HH. I am so happy you had this breakthrough.
I don't know about that, my love. I'll hold my breath and see if it was only a lapse in her judgement. We all will see. Regardless, it seems like a breakthrough and I hope that the ice is melting from her heart; but there has been so much ice it's going to take awhile to defrost it. I'm hopeful though.
Quote: You're right, play it cool and DB your tail off.
Thank you for the validation. It seems my gamble may pay off handsomely. Don't want to hold my breath, the length of time necessary to get the REAL movement in OR may take months. Please pray that Jesus touches her heart and shows her His will and that she is open to receiving His word.
Quote: I'm tickled pink to see she's not an ice princess after all.
I was beginning to wonder myself. More likely she is still processing the hurt, devastation, shock, betrayal, disappointment, lie, deception, et. al. I still am walking on eggshells. Don't want to break an already fragile bridge.
Thank you for chiming in Amy, you are my Godsend. I post and I wait for your response, perspective, and encouragement. You do so much good for me, my psyche and my spirit. THANK YOU.
I should buy a lottery ticket I am so darn intuitive. My W stayed out til 11:30 PM. In the past I would have let her know that I was upset, smelled her breath for alcohol, left abruptly in a huff. Tonight, NO such reaction. I was pleasant, smiled, talked with her a bit and then told her I had to go.
I thanked her for our talk ealier in the evening and made no further mention of OR. I did ask about me having our children when I get my new place this month and we discussed it for a min then I again said I had to go and left.
Also, in the past I would have said I KNEW who she was out with and WHAT she was up to, but then Grasshopper would have jumped on me telling me if I wasn't there I KNOW NOTHING! So...I know nothing and I'll leave the mind reading and crystal ball gazing to someone else. I feel sane doing it that way anyway.
I did have a feeling that she would come back more aloof and in control of her feelings at the end of the night. But, that's OK. It didn't feel like a kick in the n*ts; in the gut yes, but in the n*ts no. I'll still chalk our talk up as a positive. Again, I know it may be nothing more than a pleasant experience/memory. That would not be what I want, but it's still a step in a positive direction and that would be OK.
Well, back to DBing my a$$ off. This weekend is my weekend with our children. I have 2 parties for our D on Saturday. It will be a fun weekend. We'll do the parties, go to the park, and keep busy keeping my focus off of my M and on our children. I'm going to have so much fun with them. I think we're going to have a picnic.
I know I only have control over my DBing efforts and turning the future of my life and my M over to the Lord.
I don't think I am going to loan my W that book unless she asks me for it. I'll have it in my car, just in case. Do you think that would be best from a DB standpoint? All of this feels like new territory, but I know I am still in the same sinking boat. DBing and prayer is the only way to save my M, I know that. D*mn, I need a bigger bucket to bail out this water faster.
Well, again, thank you all for listening. My DB brethren is saving my sanity. I love you all.
We will certainly see if I am smooth after all, Amy. help me keep my rudder pointed in the right direction. The ship is moving, at least. It's my job to take that momentum and steer us in the right direction with Michelle's and the Lord's navigation. And yours, Amy, of course. You too GH.
You keep giving me credit but mainly all I did was sick Amy on you, lol.
Anyway, I think you did GREAT in that conversation. One of the HARDEST things we ever have to do with this DB stuff is decide when it IS time to have a R talk. That time is different for each of us and I think you NAILED your timing.
Of course she is softening up, they almost all do, on whichever side of the fence they're on. That's why DB is SO effective, because it gives the natural inclination of people to flinch, or hesitate when they think they are SURE they know what they want, time to work. When it DOES work, as it almost always does, they look back toward that spouse they THOUGHT they wanted nothing to do with and see something they didn't expect. They see a confident person, taking steps to better their lives, something (we) have probably not done in a LONG time. Sure, initially, there is that "why did it take so long" reaction, but then the real feelings of "WTH am I doing" set in and there is REAL chance for then to reconsider.
In order for that to happen, I believe those of us doing the "DB" thing have to be sincere and focused on the task at hand otherwise, it just looks and feels like a trick to them.
You are doing well. I have been reading your thread and sometimes I cringe a bit at some the more "over the top" things you have said and done (don't ask for examples) but that's just what I consider your enthusiasm showing through, which in the long run, is a VERY good thing. Overall though, you are doing GREAT and I really appreciate your efforts.
Please keep up the GREAT work and I will be thinking of you as you try to keep this progress moving.
Nothing else will do.