I know Amy. I often blow through my emotions of being hurt and go straight to anger. Why? Because that is the emotion I am most comfortable feeling. Much more so that hurt. Anger is also the one feeling that I do ALL of my relationship damage from.
I try to get out of the anger mode as quickly as possible. I shoot to be out of it BEFORE I open my mouth. I get better at it every day. My marital struggles have been a great training ground for me growing as a man. I remember my freshman year history class, we had a you teacher, Mr. M. He would always talk about his life philosophies b4 the class settled down and I would always be listening to his pearls of wisdom. I'd like to share the one that sticks with me to this day.
Quote: Words are like bullets, once you let them out you can never put them back in. (He then acted out trying to catch words flying out of his mouth) He then told a short story of using a gun to shoot holes in a brand new couch. He said you can repair the couch, but it will always be scarred from the damage.It will NEVER be the same. Words are like bullets. Think, then speak.
His story ALWAYS stuck with me.
Amy, I cherish your insights. Please keep offering our wisdom to me. I appreciate you.
HH, one thing that I did that I highly recommend in your sitch is take a week off. I went camping, both on a beach and in the mountains and didn't talk to W for 2 weeks. You could also go visit some far-flung friend or relative or something.
If you do, you'll force W to see what it will be like to be single mom without you around. She'll have to be responsible. It will be hard on your kids, but they'll be OK.
You can simply tell her that you are completely stressed out and need a break (which is no doubt true). When I did it, it was a tremendous help with detachment.
Just an idea that worked for me ... and I've seen a lot of similarity between us.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Thank you for your insight. I really must figure out how I am going to detach from my W. Watching her while she is going about her business is hurtful to me. I truly believe that everything is going to work out for the best, but watching her go thru what she is needing to go thru is painful for me to watch. She is clearly still in the "I'm pissed at you and going to hurt you any way I can" stage. Sucks to be me to endure this stuff. But...I am strong, I have faith, and I believe.
NOT doing more of the same is the ONLY way she is ever going to come to realize what being a single mother is like BEFORE we end up D. I am no longer afraid of changing my course. If I continue on in the manner I have been, I am condoning the D she wants. I don't condone it. I want to DB my M. I want to keep my family together. I want to reconcile and rebuild my M.
I know that I need to let go and let God. I think that means I need to detach from her. One of the most perplexing things about my W is that she sent me an e-mail telling me she is mad at me because she needs more help with our children. Amy put it best, she is delusional. I truly want her to talk with her D friends and compare notes of husbands and ex-husbands and their behavior towards the Ws and ex-Ws. I KNOW I am a fantastic father. I KNOW I have bent over backwards for my W, even during this trying time. I know, I know, stop my doing more of the same. I am working on that.
RB, I think you are correct. Me suddenly being "absent" for two weeks just might be what is needed to bring reality to the forefront of her mind. My problem is leaving my 9 month old S for that length of time. Guilt is what makes me hesitate from doing that.
I suppose my other option would be to take my S & D with me for 2 weeks. Of course, I would need my W's OK to do that. Thank you for the food for thought though. I have been racking my brain about what exactly I can do to shake things up w/o disturbing the hornets nest.
BUT, perhaps we are at the point that disturbing the hornets nest is what is necessary?? We will see. I pray and I wait.
I think that it wouls be great for you to be able to get away with the kids for a bit, but I think it would be more beneficial for you to get away by yourself. Even if it is only for a weekend. Unless she's going to give up the kids she needs to know that there will be times when you need to get away for yourself, that life isn't always about her and what she "needs".
I read this poem and it is awesome. Completely appropo for me and my sitch. I hav read a great deal of StickingTuit's thread and I saw much of my problems in my sitch/problems in my M and with my W illuminated by his spotlight, especially now.
MORE JOURNALING 5/29/06-- My sitch will become less stressful soon b/c I will not be tempted to read her e-mail that she "accidentally" (nor NOT) leaves open and on. I know I need to just close the e-mails out, but I have not always been successful in stopping myself from snooping. When I have my own place, I will no longer be putting myself in an arena where I often have trouble resisting snooping. On the other hand, I can't say that NOT knowing what I know would serve me better.
Yesterday, my D5 was looking really sad and withdrawn as I was due to leave the house. I coaxed her to tell me what was troubling her. She told me that she didn't want me to leave and that she wanted me to live with her. I comforted her and reassured her that NO MATTER WHAT mommy and daddy would always love her and take care of her.
At the time, I was holding 2 shirts in my hand hand and she asked me what I was doing with the shirts. I told her that daddy had been taking his clothes from the house slowly but surely for awhile now and that soon I would have my own place and then I would take ALL of my clothes and other stuff to my new place. She then asked me what would happen with empty drawers in our BR? I told her that mommy would probably fill up the drawers with her stuff. She stopped me and said NO, her STEP DADDY would probably use those drawers and then told me how mommmy was explaining about step daddys to see how she would feel about a step daddy and also further explaining that I would ALWAYS be her daddy.
NICE! <---(not so hidden sarcasm, grrr) In StickinTuit's thread someone mentioned that WAS's are often blind to the disaster they are going to leave behind in their wake of devastation and destruction. This seems to fit my W's behavior and insight to a T. She has been separated less than 4 months, been seeing her "boyfriend" 2 months, ans is already talking to our D5 about a step daddy. Can we all say ego-centric and confused together?
I also know that she has been online looking up information for Plan B. She seems hell bent on getting out of her M and onto a new R ASAP. I wouldn't be so concerned if she weren't the mother of my 2 beautiful children. I know I need to focus on myself and NOT what I can't control. Again, reading StickinTuit's thread helped to get my feet back on the DB path of fixing me and GAL.
Onward, last night I went out with a friend to his friend's house and we sat around and talked and played cribbage. I got back to my sister's house at 6:00 AM. It was nice to be out and doing something where I wasn't consumed with my sitch. I have found that the more I am out and active, the less I obsess on what is not under my control. I've also become VERY clear that although I can have a positive effect (although much more likely neutral)on my sitch, I can certainly have a disastrous effect, if I so desire. It's all about patience and control. I'm learning, but I am really gettin' it thanks to DB/DR and all of you.
Additionally, my W plays the hide the cell phone bill and doesn't answer cell phone calls in my presence from some people. Hmmmm.... my W's sister told her a long time ago that I am not stupid and that I know more than she thinks I know. My W has really turned into a using, lying, deceitful, more-than-normal egocentric woman (or at least it has become more obvious to me than it was b4). Standing on my side of the fence, she puts herself and her OM chasing ahead of 2 innocent children.
Yesterday, my W was asking me when I would be getting into my own place. I honestly wanted to tell her it's none of your business. I am amazed at my restraint. Or, is it just my co-dependence? I know there are at least two possible reasons for her inquiry and only one of them is positive. I need to focus on the fact the whatever the real reason for the inquiry, it's most likely not positive.
That same evening, I asked her again to answer my question from our e-mail exchange, which reads (most recent first like all e-mails):
Quote: me>Tell me what EXACTLY more help looks like to you in concrete, actionable steps. Please help me understand your needs. Thank you
her>I am still very upset with you however that you are not helping me more with the children.
As I spoke with her last night I did bring up the Jerry Maguire quote: "Help me help you" to hopefully elicit a helpful response from her, but she said forget about it, to which I responded, fine, then you forget about not getting enough help from me with our children. Sad thing is, I am an outstanding father and my W neither acknowledges it nor appreciates it.
One nice thing she did say to me last night was when she was holding our S, he was watching my every movement very closely. My W said, your children love you so much. Awwww, that was so nice. Too bad that niceness often wears off just as quickly as it appears.
Today, my W came to the office to leave our children with me for a short while so she could deal with a work issue. NP. She later calls me to again express her aggravation with ME and the whole property sitch and how I have ALL of the info that she needs and everyone else is telling her the truth and I am lying about NOT have the info. I ended up hanging up on her b/c I have taken to NOT being her verbal punching. Honestly, THAT is a 180 for me and definitely NOT doing "more of the same." She called back and I calmly explained AGAIN that I cannot give her information that I don't have. I explained to her AGAIN what information I did have and what actions I had already taken. I then explained to her that I found it VERY hurtful that she chose to believe what other people were saying about whether I had information or not and that she chose to NOT believe me. I told her, I have NO vested interest in lying to you or trying to make you look bad in trying to do your work. Unortunately, one of the people who was trying to "throw me under the bus" was her mother (my boss/MIL). My W then got a moment of clarity and admitted that this behavior was not out of the ordinary for her mother. We finally ended the conversation w/ my W NO LONGER viewing me as the jerk who was being undermining and vindictive. If she allows herself to get under her anger, to her true self I see the woman I am fighting so hard to save my M with. Unfortunately, she doesn't allow herself to do that often enough.
After all of that drama, she asked me to go to lunch with her our children. She was still coming down off her anger high and I was not getting the children situated in the car fast enough for her likeint and she snapped at me, "Are you going to lunch with us or not?" I just finished up with our S quickly, smiled looking directly at her, and said "Yes, YOU are taking ME to lunch." She smiled faintly and I commented on the sly smile. She smiled again, wider. We had a nice lunch together.
THEN, we came back to my office and her cell phone rang. She picked up the phone, saw who was calling and put it back down. She then got out of the car to smoke and returned the call. I try not to read too much into whatever happens between us and in my presence, either positive or negagive, and it seems to be working for me as long as I can come here and vent to my DB brethren. Who she was speaking to is none of my business right now. I am DBing, d*mnit!!
In closing, she took our children to the park and called me to ask me if I wanted to have dinner with them all at my MIL's house. Although it is my evening, she didn't need to invite me there, she did. A nice gesture. But again, I am working to not read too much into anything. Help me, Lord.
Can you please go see if you can offer him some words of encouragement? He is devastated. I recall your first few posts and now you have such a great attitude, I'm hoping you can share it with him.
Thank you again for the poem from StickinTuit. What a powerful, insightful, giving man!
MORE JOURNALING 5/30/06
Today was interesting. More pushing from my W. More standing firm by me. As I stated in my earlier post, I went to my MIL's house for dinner. Being around my wife is both a blessing and extremely trying. She and I are just not on the same page with regard to our M. But then again, I know that and that I am DBing alone in this M.
I took our son home a little early to bathe him and put him into bed. My W came home with our D shortly thereafter, and I bathed her as well and put her to bed. While my D was in the shower, I broached the subject of my W talking with our D about step dad's etc.
My W became defensive, indignant and nasty, telling me, as always, I was ONLY thinking about me. She continued on in her very aggressive, nasty manner so I told her, "That's fine. You continue making messes and I'll continue mopping them up after you." I went back to bathe our D. I came back a short while later and re-explained that my coming to her (my W) was NOT about me, but about our D5 who is confused and hurting both about our sitch and the "conversation." B/c my W is so self-centered and focused on herself, she doesn't quite grasp that our beautiful, bright D5 is only FIVE!!! She's smart, but she is 5 and can't reconcile adult situations. I also told my W that when it comes to her own behavior, she wears blinders. I told her that was only food for thought. She seemed to be mulling that over.
I further explained that the only point I was making to her was that I wanted her to at least give me the option of being a party to these "conversations" with our D5 to ensure that our D5 had NO further questions. I also told my W that she had NO respect for me, because this was the 2nd time she had mom/dad conversations with D5 alone.
BIG mistake!!! She told me that I had NO respect for HER b/c I cheated on her. It was actually a good opportunity to aplogize for my mistake again and to discuss her feeling towards me since this all came to light. She told me that she had forgiven me. I assured her that I knew that she had NOT b/c she kept bringing it up over and over. She finally admitted that it is MORE than just remembering her hurt, it actually is that she is NOT ready to forgive me yet. I smiled at her and told her that is OK.
BREAKTHROUGH!!! We talked more in a conversation!! No animosity. No nastiness. No tone. No hard looks. She actually told me that she understood my issue with her taking it upon herself to have "discussions" with our D5 without me present and that I did have a right to feel the way that I did and also had the right to be be involved and that my presence would have probably been beneficial to our D.
I asked her if she KNEW how I felt about my A and its devastating effect on her and our family and she told me, practically verbatim, what I had previously conveyed to her. Again, another breakthrough! She listens!
Back to the conversation about the "conversation" with my D. I told my W that my D5 was confused and hurt about being asked about a step dad. My W then told me that she said we will eventually start dating other people and our D5 could have a step dad and/or step mom. I find it interesting that my D made no mention of a step mom, only a step dad, but then again, she's 5. I find it curious though.
One other thing I found disturbing, though was my W telling me that our D is 5 and she will forget that my W and I were together. I told my W that I am horrified that she has friends like that and gets advice from women such as the ones she surrounds herself with. I told her that my parents divorced when I was 5 and I certainly remembered my parents relationship. My wife responded that I needed to work in MY issues with my father. I told her that NO, I didn't need to work on that, but I was ONLY trying to make the point that our D5 has a brain and a memory and that my W's "friend's" info/advice was not only wrong, but shortsighted. My W really seemed to mull that over. I am not kidding, she has really surrounded herself with a bunch of bitter women who do NOT have my W's, our family's, nor our childrens' best interests at heart.
We talked for over 90 min. about nothing and everything (not OR)! I told her that when she is not upset, she is quite charming and charismatic and that I really enjoyed being with her. She actually said that when we are getting along (meaning she's not pissed at me) she enjoys being around me a great deal.
All in all, a good day. More good than I expected. Still too much bad though. Oh, well, gotta keep the faith.
Quote: In order to be a realist you must believe in miracles. -David Ben-Burion
Dont let your wife tell you that she does not get enough help from you. I wish my husband helped me out half as much as you. You are a great father, keep up the good work and dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thank you. I am and I know. Sadly, so does she. It's just that when she's pissed, rational thought stops and the venom flows. But what my W doesn't understand is that I have gained a great deal of strength and self confidence as a result of dealing with the aftermath of my horrible mistake. I know that I was wrong. I also know that through being penitent, I have been forgiven. NOW, the ball is in her court to give both of us the gift of forgiveness. As I told her, forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is a DECISION.
Too bad that niceness often wears off just as quickly as it appears.
