Thank you again for the poem from StickinTuit. What a powerful, insightful, giving man!
MORE JOURNALING 5/30/06
Today was interesting. More pushing from my W. More standing firm by me. As I stated in my earlier post, I went to my MIL's house for dinner. Being around my wife is both a blessing and extremely trying. She and I are just not on the same page with regard to our M. But then again, I know that and that I am DBing alone in this M.
I took our son home a little early to bathe him and put him into bed. My W came home with our D shortly thereafter, and I bathed her as well and put her to bed. While my D was in the shower, I broached the subject of my W talking with our D about step dad's etc.
My W became defensive, indignant and nasty, telling me, as always, I was ONLY thinking about me. She continued on in her very aggressive, nasty manner so I told her, "That's fine. You continue making messes and I'll continue mopping them up after you." I went back to bathe our D. I came back a short while later and re-explained that my coming to her (my W) was NOT about me, but about our D5 who is confused and hurting both about our sitch and the "conversation." B/c my W is so self-centered and focused on herself, she doesn't quite grasp that our beautiful, bright D5 is only FIVE!!! She's smart, but she is 5 and can't reconcile adult situations. I also told my W that when it comes to her own behavior, she wears blinders. I told her that was only food for thought. She seemed to be mulling that over.
I further explained that the only point I was making to her was that I wanted her to at least give me the option of being a party to these "conversations" with our D5 to ensure that our D5 had NO further questions. I also told my W that she had NO respect for me, because this was the 2nd time she had mom/dad conversations with D5 alone.
BIG mistake!!! She told me that I had NO respect for HER b/c I cheated on her. It was actually a good opportunity to aplogize for my mistake again and to discuss her feeling towards me since this all came to light. She told me that she had forgiven me. I assured her that I knew that she had NOT b/c she kept bringing it up over and over. She finally admitted that it is MORE than just remembering her hurt, it actually is that she is NOT ready to forgive me yet. I smiled at her and told her that is OK.
BREAKTHROUGH!!! We talked more in a conversation!! No animosity. No nastiness. No tone. No hard looks. She actually told me that she understood my issue with her taking it upon herself to have "discussions" with our D5 without me present and that I did have a right to feel the way that I did and also had the right to be be involved and that my presence would have probably been beneficial to our D.
I asked her if she KNEW how I felt about my A and its devastating effect on her and our family and she told me, practically verbatim, what I had previously conveyed to her. Again, another breakthrough! She listens!
Back to the conversation about the "conversation" with my D. I told my W that my D5 was confused and hurt about being asked about a step dad. My W then told me that she said we will eventually start dating other people and our D5 could have a step dad and/or step mom. I find it interesting that my D made no mention of a step mom, only a step dad, but then again, she's 5. I find it curious though.
One other thing I found disturbing, though was my W telling me that our D is 5 and she will forget that my W and I were together. I told my W that I am horrified that she has friends like that and gets advice from women such as the ones she surrounds herself with. I told her that my parents divorced when I was 5 and I certainly remembered my parents relationship. My wife responded that I needed to work in MY issues with my father. I told her that NO, I didn't need to work on that, but I was ONLY trying to make the point that our D5 has a brain and a memory and that my W's "friend's" info/advice was not only wrong, but shortsighted. My W really seemed to mull that over. I am not kidding, she has really surrounded herself with a bunch of bitter women who do NOT have my W's, our family's, nor our childrens' best interests at heart.
We talked for over 90 min. about nothing and everything (not OR)! I told her that when she is not upset, she is quite charming and charismatic and that I really enjoyed being with her. She actually said that when we are getting along (meaning she's not pissed at me) she enjoys being around me a great deal.
All in all, a good day. More good than I expected. Still too much bad though. Oh, well, gotta keep the faith.
Quote: In order to be a realist you must believe in miracles. -David Ben-Burion
We talked more in a conversation!! No animosity. No nastiness. No tone. No hard looks. She actually told me that she understood my issue with her taking it upon herself to have "discussions" with our D5 without me present and that I did have a right to feel the way that I did and also had the right to be be involved and that my presence would have probably been beneficial to our D.
