I read this poem and it is awesome. Completely appropo for me and my sitch. I hav read a great deal of StickingTuit's thread and I saw much of my problems in my sitch/problems in my M and with my W illuminated by his spotlight, especially now.
MORE JOURNALING 5/29/06-- My sitch will become less stressful soon b/c I will not be tempted to read her e-mail that she "accidentally" (nor NOT) leaves open and on. I know I need to just close the e-mails out, but I have not always been successful in stopping myself from snooping. When I have my own place, I will no longer be putting myself in an arena where I often have trouble resisting snooping. On the other hand, I can't say that NOT knowing what I know would serve me better.
Yesterday, my D5 was looking really sad and withdrawn as I was due to leave the house. I coaxed her to tell me what was troubling her. She told me that she didn't want me to leave and that she wanted me to live with her. I comforted her and reassured her that NO MATTER WHAT mommy and daddy would always love her and take care of her.
At the time, I was holding 2 shirts in my hand hand and she asked me what I was doing with the shirts. I told her that daddy had been taking his clothes from the house slowly but surely for awhile now and that soon I would have my own place and then I would take ALL of my clothes and other stuff to my new place. She then asked me what would happen with empty drawers in our BR? I told her that mommy would probably fill up the drawers with her stuff. She stopped me and said NO, her STEP DADDY would probably use those drawers and then told me how mommmy was explaining about step daddys to see how she would feel about a step daddy and also further explaining that I would ALWAYS be her daddy.
NICE! <---(not so hidden sarcasm, grrr) In StickinTuit's thread someone mentioned that WAS's are often blind to the disaster they are going to leave behind in their wake of devastation and destruction. This seems to fit my W's behavior and insight to a T. She has been separated less than 4 months, been seeing her "boyfriend" 2 months, ans is already talking to our D5 about a step daddy. Can we all say ego-centric and confused together?
I also know that she has been online looking up information for Plan B. She seems hell bent on getting out of her M and onto a new R ASAP. I wouldn't be so concerned if she weren't the mother of my 2 beautiful children. I know I need to focus on myself and NOT what I can't control. Again, reading StickinTuit's thread helped to get my feet back on the DB path of fixing me and GAL.
Onward, last night I went out with a friend to his friend's house and we sat around and talked and played cribbage. I got back to my sister's house at 6:00 AM. It was nice to be out and doing something where I wasn't consumed with my sitch. I have found that the more I am out and active, the less I obsess on what is not under my control. I've also become VERY clear that although I can have a positive effect (although much more likely neutral)on my sitch, I can certainly have a disastrous effect, if I so desire. It's all about patience and control. I'm learning, but I am really gettin' it thanks to DB/DR and all of you.
Additionally, my W plays the hide the cell phone bill and doesn't answer cell phone calls in my presence from some people. Hmmmm.... my W's sister told her a long time ago that I am not stupid and that I know more than she thinks I know. My W has really turned into a using, lying, deceitful, more-than-normal egocentric woman (or at least it has become more obvious to me than it was b4). Standing on my side of the fence, she puts herself and her OM chasing ahead of 2 innocent children.
Yesterday, my W was asking me when I would be getting into my own place. I honestly wanted to tell her it's none of your business. I am amazed at my restraint. Or, is it just my co-dependence? I know there are at least two possible reasons for her inquiry and only one of them is positive. I need to focus on the fact the whatever the real reason for the inquiry, it's most likely not positive.
That same evening, I asked her again to answer my question from our e-mail exchange, which reads (most recent first like all e-mails):
Quote: me>Tell me what EXACTLY more help looks like to you in concrete, actionable steps. Please help me understand your needs. Thank you
her>I am still very upset with you however that you are not helping me more with the children.
As I spoke with her last night I did bring up the Jerry Maguire quote: "Help me help you" to hopefully elicit a helpful response from her, but she said forget about it, to which I responded, fine, then you forget about not getting enough help from me with our children. Sad thing is, I am an outstanding father and my W neither acknowledges it nor appreciates it.
One nice thing she did say to me last night was when she was holding our S, he was watching my every movement very closely. My W said, your children love you so much. Awwww, that was so nice. Too bad that niceness often wears off just as quickly as it appears.
Today, my W came to the office to leave our children with me for a short while so she could deal with a work issue. NP. She later calls me to again express her aggravation with ME and the whole property sitch and how I have ALL of the info that she needs and everyone else is telling her the truth and I am lying about NOT have the info. I ended up hanging up on her b/c I have taken to NOT being her verbal punching. Honestly, THAT is a 180 for me and definitely NOT doing "more of the same." She called back and I calmly explained AGAIN that I cannot give her information that I don't have. I explained to her AGAIN what information I did have and what actions I had already taken. I then explained to her that I found it VERY hurtful that she chose to believe what other people were saying about whether I had information or not and that she chose to NOT believe me. I told her, I have NO vested interest in lying to you or trying to make you look bad in trying to do your work. Unortunately, one of the people who was trying to "throw me under the bus" was her mother (my boss/MIL). My W then got a moment of clarity and admitted that this behavior was not out of the ordinary for her mother. We finally ended the conversation w/ my W NO LONGER viewing me as the jerk who was being undermining and vindictive. If she allows herself to get under her anger, to her true self I see the woman I am fighting so hard to save my M with. Unfortunately, she doesn't allow herself to do that often enough.
After all of that drama, she asked me to go to lunch with her our children. She was still coming down off her anger high and I was not getting the children situated in the car fast enough for her likeint and she snapped at me, "Are you going to lunch with us or not?" I just finished up with our S quickly, smiled looking directly at her, and said "Yes, YOU are taking ME to lunch." She smiled faintly and I commented on the sly smile. She smiled again, wider. We had a nice lunch together.
THEN, we came back to my office and her cell phone rang. She picked up the phone, saw who was calling and put it back down. She then got out of the car to smoke and returned the call. I try not to read too much into whatever happens between us and in my presence, either positive or negagive, and it seems to be working for me as long as I can come here and vent to my DB brethren. Who she was speaking to is none of my business right now. I am DBing, d*mnit!!
In closing, she took our children to the park and called me to ask me if I wanted to have dinner with them all at my MIL's house. Although it is my evening, she didn't need to invite me there, she did. A nice gesture. But again, I am working to not read too much into anything. Help me, Lord.
Too bad that niceness often wears off just as quickly as it appears.
