Thank you for chiming in. I simply don't know what my sitch calls for, but I hear what you are saying, that my doing "more of the same" has simply allowed my W to continue on her path unobstructed. I have not begged her to allow me to come home, to work on our marriage...nothing. I am NOT someone who normally holds his tongue well when I am hurt/pissed/feel wronged. I have, however, been amazed that I have been able to hold my tongue with my wife but I am reaching my wit's end. My patience is being stretched to my limit but I know I can muster more.
Perhaps if I were to begin doing a 180 and responding to her ridiculous rants with a rant of my own in response we might have positive movement in our sitch. I hesitate b/c I fear I will lose my M...like I'm not already in the process of that now. As the old saying goes,
Quote: Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I understand that I can Say what I mean and not say it mean.
I am rapidly coming to realize that I am going 100 mph into a concrete wall by doing more of the same. By doing "more of the same", I am facilitating the death of my M. I am so deathly afraid of changing my efforts b/c I fear making things worse. I KNOW, they can't get much worse, my marriage is on life support now.
Perhaps this is what my counselor was trying to tell me about my co-dependence on my W. D*mn it!! I hate my reluctance to make the changes I KNOW I need to make. Please help me and encourage me to push through my fears. I know that changing my efforts is the ONLY chance I have to DB my M. Why the F am I so afraid???? Ugn! I hate this right now. I feel frozen from taking the action that is necessary.
One more note, all. My W sent me an e-mail that said she is really angry b/c she doesn't get more help from me with the kids. I am the GREATEST father. Even in this mess, even while being pushed away I have been there for my children. I have reached out to help my W. It's never enough or my effort was "almost" what she needed. I have NEVER "measured up" and she makes sure I am aware of her displeasure/disappointment.
Anyway, I e-mailed back saying tell me what "more help" looks like to you in concrete, actionable terms. Tell me EXACTLY what kind of help you are looking for. When I was responding to her e-mail , I was reminded of JERRY MAGUIRE when Tom Cruise was telling Cuba Gooding, Jr., "Help me help you!" I sooooo wanted to insert that quote but my response was not one in which humor would have gone over well. I refrained. To date, she has still NOT responded to my request for concrete, actionable ways to help her. She probably never will. Typical. Easier to b*tch at me.
I read someone else's thread earlier and one of my DB brothers posted that I (acutally it was to someone else)should only believe about 1/3 of what is being said to me b/c it is much easier for the S who does not want to work on the M to point the finger at and blame the other S than it is to look at themself and make an honest assessment of themself and what they need to work on. I do feel that perfectly captures my W's attitude right now; well not just right now .
I am quite proud of myself that I have not caved in and gone running "home" to "rescue" my W from her most recent "crisis" of needing to get away from being a mother to 2 beautiful children so she can hurry up and get to her GF's party and get drunk (most likely with her BF). It is my honest feeling that she is going to drink herself into trouble soon and I am going to be blessed with FULL physical custody of our children despite the fact that she believes that she is too smart to let alcohol affect her life negatively. Riiiiiiiight. Can you say addict?? So scary and sad. Our children deserve better. I pray for her every day to get a handle on herself and on her life. She deserves a better life than she is allowing herself to experience.
I AM getting stronger each day. I have been able to tell her NO and stick to it. Talk about NOT doing the same thing. For me, THAT is a huge step. HUGE! My other big steps have been to: (1)be consistently gently assertive, (2)consistently end angry (her anger) conversations quickly and assertively, (3)regularly use e-mail to convey information to my W(not subjecting myself to her emotional and verbal abuse) allowing me to work on emotionally detaching, and make efforts to GAL.
I work every day to make sure that I am happy, healthy, and whole. I got happy, healthy and whole from the co-parenting counselor we used in reference to our children.
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