Last night was interesting. No positive developments in my sitch, still in a gloomy, sad holding pattern. My W told me that she had to drive 90 min to a signing, but told me she would be back to the house b4 9:00PM. Well, she actually called me to tell me she was running a little late and was only a 1/2 hour behind schedule. I thanked her for her call. It's strange, but this is one of my assertive steps with her that seems to have taken root in her consciousness. Making a courtesy phone call for MY benefit was a stunning step for her, especially right now.
Earlier, while she was on her way, I reverted back to being me, asking her if she would like me to pick up something for her nasty cold at the store. She took me up on it so I obliged. She was appreciative, even though I could really tell she felt like crap. I didn't stick around long.
Today, I called my D5 as I always do to say and sing Good Morning to her. My W answered the phone and sounded terrible and miserable. I told her she sounded like she got worse and she immediately began asking if I had a busy morning? I asked her what do you need? She asked me to get her some different medicine to make it thru today. I said that I would, and delivered it to her. She also asked me if I would watch our S so she could try to get some rest. I stayed and they both slept until I needed to pick up our D from kindergarten. I asked my W if I could take our D to work with me and she said NO. She then asked me if I would drop off her loan docs at the title company AND get our son ready for the babysitter. I told her I did not have time to get our son ready for the babysitter AND take her docs to the title company. I needed to get to work. So I dropped off her docs and took my D to work with me. My W didn't even remember telling me NO, that I couldn't take her to work with me.
Right now, she calls me to ask me if I have plans and if I will take the kids tonight. It's HER weekend ! ! I have ALREADY volunteered to take them tomorrow night so she can go to her GF's 30th Bday party and get ploughed. I told her I do have plans and that NO, I will not take our children tonight. I have ALREADY told her that. Apparently, now that she is sick she believes that somehow everything changes to suit her and HER plans. If I sound a little bitter, I am. She is showing the selfish, self-centered part of herself that I don't care for.
Oh, well, at least I didn't cave. I have had my D all day. I brought her medicine yesterday and today. This is a fantastic example of EVERYTHING never being enough. I hate saying NO to her. It makes me feel like what it is, holding my love back from her. But refusing to work on reconciling is her choice. Although I don't fault her for her choice (it is s her right), I do believe that I don't owe her what I give her time after time when she continues to rebuff me and my love. Help me, my DB friends, I feel like a cad. Or, is this just my co-dependency looping in my head?
Last night I had a nice conversation with a friend of a friend who said to me that I don't sound co-dependent, I sound like someone who loves his W and gives of himself w/o question. I don't know. I don't want to lose myself in my sitch, but I don't want to be a doormat either. I am a giving, kind, loving man. Unfortunately, my W doesn't choose to show appreciation. She chooses to see if I "measure up." I am obviously confused. Thanks for listening.
Quote: Right now, she calls me to ask me if I have plans and if I will take the kids tonight. It's HER weekend ! ! I have ALREADY volunteered to take them tomorrow night so she can go to her GF's 30th Bday party and get ploughed. I told her I do have plans and that NO, I will not take our children tonight. I have ALREADY told her that. Apparently, now that she is sick she believes that somehow everything changes to suit her and HER plans. If I sound a little bitter, I am. She is showing the selfish, self-centered part of herself that I don't care for.
Try not to be bitter. Tell her with a smile on your face that if she wants to engage you as a babysitter, you'll be happy to work for $15 an hour.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: Right now, she calls me to ask me if I have plans and if I will take the kids tonight. It's HER weekend ! ! I have ALREADY volunteered to take them tomorrow night so she can go to her GF's 30th Bday party and get ploughed. I told her I do have plans and that NO, I will not take our children tonight. I have ALREADY told her that. Apparently, now that she is sick she believes that somehow everything changes to suit her and HER plans. If I sound a little bitter, I am. She is showing the selfish, self-centered part of herself that I don't care for.
Try not to be bitter. Tell her with a smile on your face that if she wants to engage you as a babysitter, you'll be happy to work for $15 an hour.
W always tells me you can't baby sit your own kids.
Thank you both PMD and RB. You are both absolutely right. My bitterness serves NO positive purpose. I was not so much bitter, as hurt, and since I don't like feeling hurt I blindly chose to blow through the hurt and go straight to anger/bitterness. My mistake. Good thing my bitterness was only vented here and NOT directly to my W, so thankfully no backsliding to be accountable for to her.
W always tells me you can't baby sit your own kids.
I happen to wholeheartedly agree with your wife. My MIL will sometimes ask me if I am "babysitting" my children on any given night? I politely say yes I am blessed to have the opportunity to spend time with my children and I smile because I do consider my time with them a blessing.
Again, thank you both for chiming in. I always feel better knowing that others care enough about me and my journey to give of themselves to their DB brother in need.
This morning my W calls me and TELLS me come and get your kids. I have to go shopping and it would be easier if I didn't have to take them. I responded that I know it would be but had to check with others to see if I could change my plans. Since I didn't call her right back she called again and left a message (I didn't click over to answer her call , see I am getting stronger and better). I called her back to listen to her being pissed at me because I keep changing my mind about my schedule with our children.
Now, in my original thread I changed my schedule ONCE in the past 3 1/2 months. She has constantly asked me to adjust my life/plans to accomodate her. Until recently, I had done so without any hesitation. Now, I am finally "growing a pair" and being gently assertive in saying no and it pisses her off to no end.
She asked me when I would pick up our children today. I told her I did not want to be there at 3:30. I had previously told her I would get them at 5:00 and she said I needed to get them at 3:30 to accomodate her needs. I told her that since I am doing her a favor by taking our children on her weekend I would do my best to get them by 4:00. She then blew up and was indignant that I said this was her weekend. You see, LAST weekend was my weekend and she told me that she wanted our childrn back on Saturday evening. I brought them to her and told her that I did NOT want to split the same weekend. I explained to her that I only brought them to her last Saturday because I did not want to go back on my word to her. She again huffed, telling me that I am always changing my mind and she doesn't know what to expect.
I responded that all of this information was in e-mail form and asked her if she 1) reads my e-mails and 2) listens to what I SAY during our conversations? She kept ignoring my VERY clear questions and kept asking me what I said in the e-mails. Typical.
I simply told her that I was not going to be a party to an angry conversation and would simply forward a copy of the e-mails to her b/c I have copies of all of them. I think THAT pissed her off too. She really is of the mind that EVERYTHING revolves around her and that I should still be at her "beck-and-call" at all times to make ALL of her desires a reality, even though she regularly tells me she is single!
I am finally standing up for myself and have come to realize that what's right is right. I am a person. I have value. I am NOT a doormat. I am NOT a punching bag. I have rights. I have feelings. I also understand that I can stand up for myself and what is right in a gently assertive manner. I don't have to say yes when I mean no. I don't have to bend to her will. As my MIL always says,
Quote: Say what you mean, just don't say it mean.
Today, I am feeling stronger. Stronger but sadder. My heart aches to be reconciled with my W and re-united with my children. I pray to God everyday to work His will in my life and to help me to see His work and to understand and accept His will if His will doesn't match what I want. That, and I refer to the Serenity Prayer almost daily, especially the line Amy posted:
Quote: God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless. Amen
And remember my fellow DBers:
Quote: If you think you can win, you can win. Faith is necessary to victory. -WILLIAM HAZLITT
Believe!
Quote: Whether you think you can or think you can't--you are right. -HENRY FORD
Believe!
And lastly,
Quote: The measure of a man(and woman) is the way s/he bears up under mistortune. -PLUTARCH
Put one foot in front of the other. The sun comes up in the same place every day. Tomorrow is a new day. Keep on keepin' on.
Let me apologize in advance because I just came in from weeding and mowing lawn and I have dirt under my fingernails and sweat literally rolling down my face and I sit down to read THIS CRAP. I am PISSED!! WTH is your wife's problem?!! I think it's time to stop pussyfootin' around NOW.
It is my opinion that you need to tell her (nicely and calmly, of course) that you would be more than happy to come home and work on your marriage together and that in doing so, she wouldn't have all these additional stresses over the kids, etc... BUT, since she is NOT WILLING to do that, THIS is how it is going to be. You can do all this by starting off with one last apology for your mistake, tell her you have learned and grown and you want nothing more than to have a second chance at life together as a family. If she says no, then you NEED TO TELL HER ONCE AND FOR ALL that it's EVERY OTHER WEEKEND visitation (just like so many other parents). If she thinks it's going to be 50/50 she's delusional and you can put it to her just like that. She cannot expect you to pull HALF the weight (in ANY form or fashion) after kicking you OUT of the house AND family. You are left with no other choice but to get a life of your own and you are doing just that BECAUSE SHE IS FORCING YOU TO THROUGH HER UNWILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE AND MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER!
HH, at this point, it's her damn problem. Make it so. You are sorry. You are willing to do the necessary work to reconcile. You must now be willing to stop kissing her ass.
Sorry to be so blunt but she is really starting to annoy me with her holier-than-thou attitude.
Let me apologize in advance because I just came in from weeding and mowing lawn and I have dirt under my fingernails and sweat literally rolling down my face and I sit down to read THIS CRAP. I am PISSED!! WTH is your wife's problem?!! I think it's time to stop pussyfootin' around NOW.
It is my opinion that you need to tell her (nicely and calmly, of course) that you would be more than happy to come home and work on your marriage together and that in doing so, she wouldn't have all these additional stresses over the kids, etc... BUT, since she is NOT WILLING to do that, THIS is how it is going to be. You can do all this by starting off with one last apology for your mistake, tell her you have learned and grown and you want nothing more than to have a second chance at life together as a family. If she says no, then you NEED TO TELL HER ONCE AND FOR ALL that it's EVERY OTHER WEEKEND visitation (just like so many other parents). If she thinks it's going to be 50/50 she's delusional and you can put it to her just like that. She cannot expect you to pull HALF the weight (in ANY form or fashion) after kicking you OUT of the house AND family. You are left with no other choice but to get a life of your own and you are doing just that BECAUSE SHE IS FORCING YOU TO THROUGH HER UNWILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE AND MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER!
HH, at this point, it's her damn problem. Make it so. You are sorry. You are willing to do the necessary work to reconcile. You must now be willing to stop kissing her ass.
Sorry to be so blunt but she is really starting to annoy me with her holier-than-thou attitude.
Stand up, man.
Amy
I would be careful telling her that you want to come home to work things out but she doesn't want that so tyis is how it'soing to be. That may sound like "let me come home or I'm going to make your life hell by constantly changing my mind and making sure I don't take the kids when you need me to." Granted that might not be what you mean but it might be what she hears. Be careful with that.
Good point PMD123. That NOT what I meant to suggest. You know that, HH. You will have to choose your words wisely but making the point nevertheless that you're not going to be jumping every time she calls and there will be a schedule to the visitation except of course under extraordinary circumstances. This is not to make her life hell. It's simply keeping it real. Like the rest of the separated/divorced folks.
Thank you for chiming in. I simply don't know what my sitch calls for, but I hear what you are saying, that my doing "more of the same" has simply allowed my W to continue on her path unobstructed. I have not begged her to allow me to come home, to work on our marriage...nothing. I am NOT someone who normally holds his tongue well when I am hurt/pissed/feel wronged. I have, however, been amazed that I have been able to hold my tongue with my wife but I am reaching my wit's end. My patience is being stretched to my limit but I know I can muster more.
Perhaps if I were to begin doing a 180 and responding to her ridiculous rants with a rant of my own in response we might have positive movement in our sitch. I hesitate b/c I fear I will lose my M...like I'm not already in the process of that now. As the old saying goes,
Quote: Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I understand that I can Say what I mean and not say it mean.
I am rapidly coming to realize that I am going 100 mph into a concrete wall by doing more of the same. By doing "more of the same", I am facilitating the death of my M. I am so deathly afraid of changing my efforts b/c I fear making things worse. I KNOW, they can't get much worse, my marriage is on life support now.
Perhaps this is what my counselor was trying to tell me about my co-dependence on my W. D*mn it!! I hate my reluctance to make the changes I KNOW I need to make. Please help me and encourage me to push through my fears. I know that changing my efforts is the ONLY chance I have to DB my M. Why the F am I so afraid???? Ugn! I hate this right now. I feel frozen from taking the action that is necessary.
One more note, all. My W sent me an e-mail that said she is really angry b/c she doesn't get more help from me with the kids. I am the GREATEST father. Even in this mess, even while being pushed away I have been there for my children. I have reached out to help my W. It's never enough or my effort was "almost" what she needed. I have NEVER "measured up" and she makes sure I am aware of her displeasure/disappointment.
Anyway, I e-mailed back saying tell me what "more help" looks like to you in concrete, actionable terms. Tell me EXACTLY what kind of help you are looking for. When I was responding to her e-mail , I was reminded of JERRY MAGUIRE when Tom Cruise was telling Cuba Gooding, Jr., "Help me help you!" I sooooo wanted to insert that quote but my response was not one in which humor would have gone over well. I refrained. To date, she has still NOT responded to my request for concrete, actionable ways to help her. She probably never will. Typical. Easier to b*tch at me.
I read someone else's thread earlier and one of my DB brothers posted that I (acutally it was to someone else)should only believe about 1/3 of what is being said to me b/c it is much easier for the S who does not want to work on the M to point the finger at and blame the other S than it is to look at themself and make an honest assessment of themself and what they need to work on. I do feel that perfectly captures my W's attitude right now; well not just right now .
I am quite proud of myself that I have not caved in and gone running "home" to "rescue" my W from her most recent "crisis" of needing to get away from being a mother to 2 beautiful children so she can hurry up and get to her GF's party and get drunk (most likely with her BF). It is my honest feeling that she is going to drink herself into trouble soon and I am going to be blessed with FULL physical custody of our children despite the fact that she believes that she is too smart to let alcohol affect her life negatively. Riiiiiiiight. Can you say addict?? So scary and sad. Our children deserve better. I pray for her every day to get a handle on herself and on her life. She deserves a better life than she is allowing herself to experience.
I AM getting stronger each day. I have been able to tell her NO and stick to it. Talk about NOT doing the same thing. For me, THAT is a huge step. HUGE! My other big steps have been to: (1)be consistently gently assertive, (2)consistently end angry (her anger) conversations quickly and assertively, (3)regularly use e-mail to convey information to my W(not subjecting myself to her emotional and verbal abuse) allowing me to work on emotionally detaching, and make efforts to GAL.
I work every day to make sure that I am happy, healthy, and whole. I got happy, healthy and whole from the co-parenting counselor we used in reference to our children.
My heart aches to be reconciled with my W and re-united with my children. I pray to God everyday to work His will in my life and to help me to see His work and to understand and accept His will if His will doesn't match what I want. That, and I refer to the Serenity Prayer almost daily, especially the line Amy posted: