Last night was interesting. No positive developments in my sitch, still in a gloomy, sad holding pattern. My W told me that she had to drive 90 min to a signing, but told me she would be back to the house b4 9:00PM. Well, she actually called me to tell me she was running a little late and was only a 1/2 hour behind schedule. I thanked her for her call. It's strange, but this is one of my assertive steps with her that seems to have taken root in her consciousness. Making a courtesy phone call for MY benefit was a stunning step for her, especially right now.
Earlier, while she was on her way, I reverted back to being me, asking her if she would like me to pick up something for her nasty cold at the store. She took me up on it so I obliged. She was appreciative, even though I could really tell she felt like crap. I didn't stick around long.
Today, I called my D5 as I always do to say and sing Good Morning to her. My W answered the phone and sounded terrible and miserable. I told her she sounded like she got worse and she immediately began asking if I had a busy morning? I asked her what do you need? She asked me to get her some different medicine to make it thru today. I said that I would, and delivered it to her. She also asked me if I would watch our S so she could try to get some rest. I stayed and they both slept until I needed to pick up our D from kindergarten. I asked my W if I could take our D to work with me and she said NO. She then asked me if I would drop off her loan docs at the title company AND get our son ready for the babysitter. I told her I did not have time to get our son ready for the babysitter AND take her docs to the title company. I needed to get to work. So I dropped off her docs and took my D to work with me. My W didn't even remember telling me NO, that I couldn't take her to work with me.
Right now, she calls me to ask me if I have plans and if I will take the kids tonight. It's HER weekend ! ! I have ALREADY volunteered to take them tomorrow night so she can go to her GF's 30th Bday party and get ploughed. I told her I do have plans and that NO, I will not take our children tonight. I have ALREADY told her that. Apparently, now that she is sick she believes that somehow everything changes to suit her and HER plans. If I sound a little bitter, I am. She is showing the selfish, self-centered part of herself that I don't care for.
Oh, well, at least I didn't cave. I have had my D all day. I brought her medicine yesterday and today. This is a fantastic example of EVERYTHING never being enough. I hate saying NO to her. It makes me feel like what it is, holding my love back from her. But refusing to work on reconciling is her choice. Although I don't fault her for her choice (it is s her right), I do believe that I don't owe her what I give her time after time when she continues to rebuff me and my love. Help me, my DB friends, I feel like a cad. Or, is this just my co-dependency looping in my head?
Last night I had a nice conversation with a friend of a friend who said to me that I don't sound co-dependent, I sound like someone who loves his W and gives of himself w/o question. I don't know. I don't want to lose myself in my sitch, but I don't want to be a doormat either. I am a giving, kind, loving man. Unfortunately, my W doesn't choose to show appreciation. She chooses to see if I "measure up." I am obviously confused. Thanks for listening.
