Expectations and flawed thinking are getting me down. Problem is, I can see it is flawed, but I can't seem to get my head straight and I'm falling back into "old me" patterns (internally, anyway). Getting depressed, feeling rejected, wanting to reject in return... Kicking myself. All these are negative, I know.
YUCK. "Old me" - even a lump in my throat just thinking about it.
The Expectations I'm talking about:
Was hoping that after H broke up with ow, that he would not have any more contact with her. (Of course not the case. Is it still an EA then??? I don't know if I should think of it that way.)
Was also hoping that after that, he would want to spend more time with me now that he isn't occupied with her. (Wrong on both counts: he is still in contact, and needs to deal with himself and take care of himself - these are healthy, but truthfully, I am scared he'll never pick up the other end of the rope with me.)
Because my birthday and our anniversary are both coming very soon (2 weeks), was hoping that he would pay more attention to making me feel special and wanted. But I know that is unrealistic, so I swing the otehr way and I already EXPECT to feel let down at this point, which isn't even fair to him. That is very much an "old me" pattern.
Maybe it's PMS, I don't know, but I am working myself up about it all. H did ask me to dinner for my birthday, and said he had been thinking about it already, planning it, but it didn't come out that way (long story, but I brought it up before he had a chance).
And these expectations leave me feeling rejected by HIM. (again, an "old me" thing) I am tempted to just disappear next weekend (my birthday), and not tell anyone where I'm going- not even cancel our plans, just not BE here. Let him wonder.
It's more than rejection, it's this feeling that I want to run away somewhere- I never get to travel and I miss it. H and ow went away all the time, their whole relationship was based on travelling... We didn't very much at all. Feeling a little dud-ish.
But I know running away wouldn't make me feel better, and I really want to be better about all this. I want this to work with him, and it's really too soon to be expecting anything from him, I know that. I want to wait "patiently on the other side". I know that is the way to do this right.
2 things are clear: I am venting , and I am expecting too much too soon I really should just go back and reread some of my journals from a few months ago when there was no hope at all, and remind myself to appreciate how far things have come.
, and I am expecting too much too soon 
