Well, I think I backslid. H called at the end of the day, my work phone, my cell phone... Only I didn't answer. But I knew it had to be him. I just knew. No messages, cause he's the type to keep trying. Then I realized I was stuck in this hard place: if I hide from him, he would know something's wrong. So the next time he called, I answered and we talked awhile.
He had a rough weekend with his daughter. She had forgotten Father's Day (so did her mother. GRRR). And my heart broke for him. I had sent him an ecard listing out the reasons why he was a good father- and he said he it really touched him, had been the best thing all weekend. So Sunday night he was blue and had gotten really drunk- spent all day Monday home- sick. (not common) Just wanted me to know he was still here. I didn't DB very well, I'm afraid. I listened but he knew I wasn't feeling great - I told him I was feeling anxiety (explained the weekend theory...). And I reacted a little and felt worse. He invited me to go over to talk (even though he was still really sick). I wasn't going to, but he convinced me that we needed to.
So we spent a nice evening actually, I made him supper and tidied up (felt good to do that- he didn't expect it). And we talked a little. He said he was scared by the look on my face- that I was getting tired of him. I said not him, but the situation. Just then, the phone rang (and I'm pretty sure I know who it was. I haven't asked- but I'm pretty sure he's still in contact with ow.)
Then I started to cry. (I was furious with myself for it too.) First time in a long time. He ignored the phone (it rang again later) and it kind of struck him again what I'm going through, here. He did comfort me, and told me he really loves me, wants to be with me, thinks I'm really strong and he's sorry for everything, and told me how special and important I am to him... Was a bit emotional. And then we just comforted each other awhile.
I stayed the night, there were more good stuff and more little backslides (on my part). Overall, I feel nervous, like I said way too much... but then, it is the time to talk too, so it's bound to be uncomfortable??
Well, gonna get back on the horse today. I wore a killer dress to work, and am going to tell H how much I appreciated his support too last night.
