Poison

[MJontheMend]

You know what I actually sort of agree with you Corri. I keep saying that I feel confused and I mean it, However, here is my "but" and it's a pretty big "but". Whatever attitude I have been projecting on this BB, the only way in which my actual behavior has changed in my marriage since I returned to the BB is that I have attempted to initiate sex on maybe a half-dozen occasions with quite mixed results in terms of the reaction I have received from my H. The deal I had made with myself while I was off the BB to never initiate sex was really a pretty lame deal which though it did lead to some personal growth on my part was unlikely to be one I could live with indefinitely. I mean maybe the BB has swayed me in a negative direction but I was having to read books like "The Consolations of Philosophy" in order to keep myself positive enough to cope with the lame deal I had made for myself. I would say real happiness for me lies somewhere in between the two extremes. My issues with sexuality in my marriage are not limited to the issue of frequency. I need to feel a certain freedom to express myself sexually by initiating sex or just talking about my sexual desires without being shut out or shut down by my H. It would be a heck of a lot easier for me to actually be accepting of his LD without feeling repressed if he could be a bit more accepting of my HD without feeling threatened. I didn't threaten to move out because he rejected my recent attempts at initiation. I didn't even cry or get angry or invade his physical space. He got angry and threatened to move out simply because I did initiate sex. I told him that was his decision. He suggested marital counseling as an alternative and I agreed. I mean,I certainly do b*tch and moan and overthink and drive other members of the BB nutz at times but my purpose in doing so is to work my way back into a mental state in which I can take actions that are positive without being irrationally optimistic.