Lee- It is good to catch up with you! I'll be looking for you on MSN !
I agree with Me2 completely!!! I have been just at the point where you are now and the hardest thing to do is to detach when you really want to connect and rebuild. EXPECTATIONS of movement forward can be your downfall. Detach lovingly and accept what is... the baby steps will grow bigger and bigger if YOU handle yourself and your expectations in a positive way.
I speak from experience, several times over. I have backslid several times and the key is to get back on the DB horse quickly and refocus attention on your goal.
*************************************** It is hard to keep all the feelings and emotions to yourself during this period of your rebuilding, but I found my worst backslides when I'd let go of my DB'ing and feel myself slipping back to the 'old me'. And, as was usually the case, I was the one who ended up crying.
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This is SOOO true!! Even when things were going well at first in our recovery, some things were too sensitive for H to talk about, i.e., how much what he did hurt me, how could he continue contact, knowing how much it hurt me, etc.. I have a feeling that these might become a problem for you since he has had recent contact. You might even prepare yourself for the fact that he may want to continue a "friendship" with her.
For some stupid reason, upon returning to the marital relationship, some WS seem to think this is a reasonable option. My H was early last spring and summer fully committed to being with me and rebuilding, yet thought that since he did not "feel" anything or want a real relationship with his xEA, and since he realized that he had a great thing with me, - they could be friends. His intentions I truly believe were innocent ON HIS PART!! However, although he acknowledged how much it bothered me, he did not stop contact for a long time. He thought his innocent intentions should be enough for me -RIGHT!!! I may have rebuilt SOME trust for him, but I didn't trust HER at all!!
My reaction to this situation drove us further apart. When I should have detached and left the issue alone, acted as if I pushed and pushed until I pushed him away. I became angry and resentful, and refused to acknowledge any positives - he did not initiate e-mail with her, but always responded when she contacted him. WHen he responded his responses were always impersonal, just friendly ( I read them all!!)I was also snooping and miserable!!
If I had it to do over again, I would do exactly as we discuss here - detach, take care of me, not initiate OR or OW discussions, not snoop, AND MOST OF ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THE THINGS HE WAS DOING RIGHT!! Throughout it all this is the one and only thing he has asked me for - I think it is a biggie!! He has commented several times, he doesn't think what he does will ever be enough! So I got the message, and praise the little things - and wonder of wonders - IT WORKS!!
Maybe this won't be the case for your H - but breaking off contact for good is difficult for most!! IF it happens, have a plan ready !! If it doesn't , detaching is still about taking care of Lee first, and you cannot go wrong in doing that!
You can do this - and I will help as much as I can - if you feel the need to scream and vent and ask questions that you know will not garner the response you want - "How could you, etc,.... say it here!! Avoid doing/responding in the ways he expects - Do something different. I know, simple but not easy!!!
Hang in there!!
Hugs - B
[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-15-2001).]
[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-15-2001).]
