Hi guys. Lots of movement these last couple of days, thought I’d share…

I kept my distance from H from Sat until Monday night (which was easy because ow was still here until Monday am, anyway.) I took Monday afternoon off work to a) enjoy the sunshine b) center myself and c) be less accessible to H. He tracked me down early evening and was still reeling a bit from the “it’s over” talks with ow all weekend. Said he really wanted to talk to me, really appreciated how I reacted (or didn’t ) on the weekend, apologized and said he needed a bit more time to decompress, then we’d talk

I didn’t plan it, but because I had centered myself, I was different on the phone, more distant, and he started asking questions, getting nervous. I was friendly and pointed out the things I appreciated that he was doing, saying he loves me, etc… but that I didn’t see the actions matching the words. He said he was trying to get things worked out in his head before beginning the talks with me, and even spending time with me, because of a) his "not having all the answers yet" and b) he didn't think he deserves to spend time with me after all this. I told him I understood, but he was risking pushing me away, also. He asked me what he needs to do, and he came up with “maybe it was time to just “begin” talking , instead of waiting.”

I know this was pressure, and I didn’t mean it that way, I was just not in a mood to sugarcoat it. And I was gentle and genuine about it. I have rarely given any indication of giving up on us, so I guess it did scare him.

Anyway, we went for a long drive, talked. He told me he does find it hard to leave her, he loves us both, but that they decided that because he still loves me so much, and their relationship hasn’t been based in much that is real, that she doesn’t belong in this picture. I am still processing that.

We talked about a lot of important things, and it was good. We went for some drinks, and even had breaks in the seriousness for fun as we talked. Started to relax, and flirt with each other. Soon we were feeling like and acting like a couple madly in love- kissing, holding hands, staring at each other, smiling, saying “I love you” a lot. Even as we talked about how we went wrong before (weird) It was really good. We even had to leave after a while cause we couldn’t wait to be alone… walked home and had the best sex of our lives STILL thinking about it!

Really a memorable night. The next morning, he said he was feeling optimistic and wants to keep the dialogue open now. He got out the “after the Affair” book to start reading it. He’s been calling to say “I love you” and sending emails, etc… I tried today to keep distance (no emails or calls) and he showed up at my work at lunch.

I see that the important part is to watch for those signs of ACTION and also to give him space to deal with his ambivalence. I think the positive times really help.

And I’m also keeping notes of the things that we are doing differently (especially the other night). I was a lot more forward and decisive, and also free-spirited. He liked me being “in charge”. And we broke up the seriousness with playfulness, too. I told him he was sexy, which meant a lot to him. And I told him I recognized it was important to me to give, which was important to him to know. (I had been showing it, but not saying it- he needed to hear it!). And in return, he opened up a lot, seemed happy and relaxed.

Anyway, I am still processing it all, but mostly just really grateful for such a wonderful evening we had. The effect of it has lasted a few days now, and is doing us good.

(Sorry these are always long, will try to keep shorter-winded! )

LeeP


[This message has been edited by LeeP (edited 06-13-2001).]

[This message has been edited by LeeP (edited 06-13-2001).]