Big time risky 180, unconditional love or a doormat…???
H came home from his trip away, I didn’t hear from him. I went to the house on Sat to get something I really needed. He wasn’t there, and after a long pause, I went in (he had told me weeks ago that would be ok if he wasn’t there, I hadn’t done it yet). Bad timing. Recently-supposed-former- ow’s stuff was there. She was visiting (not there right then). I got out right away. I was very shaken up. And I could have flipped out, waited til they got back and confronted with anger, but I remembered how awful things got after I blew up over something like this in Jan, I decided to leave him a voice message. I was friendly, strong and only a little sad (not angry - in the message). I said (basically): “Welcome back from your trip, hope it was a good one.I was wondering if there was something you’re not telling me, ‘cause I think she’s here, and I don’t really understand what you’re doing. (I told him how I knew) and I wouldn’t have gone if I had known… I also said that I loved him and was trying very hard to understand that this is all difficult and confusing for him, leave the door opne for us a little, but it’s hard to do right now, with this kind of thing… I am still your friend, just disappointed, and I don’t need you to you to call me back until you’re ready to.”
He called a few hours later (she had gone out). He was very upset (with himself only) and told me he wanted me to know that they ARE broken up and NOT getting back together. She had this ticket to come here 2 months ago (I don’t doubt that she did) , and she/they had not decided what to do with it until a few days before. They felt they had issues to resolve, talk about. He said he should have told me or should not have let her stay there because it would hurt me, him and us, even if I didn;t know… he was pretty emotional, told me how much he loved me, and was so sorry for what I am going through, and that he was hurting me. I did not get angry, and I said that if what he says is true, and they have things to resolve then DO IT. He said he would ask her to go stay with relatives, and I said it was up to him.
My staying calm had a profound effect - it blew us both away. He said he couldn’t believe how understanding I was being, kept saying he loves me, and will talk to me about all this very soon, he also said at that moment he had more respect for me than anyone else he’d known and I was on a huge pedestal. ( that wasn’t my goal, and I would prefer he SHOW these to me). He didn’t know why I was being so good to him. I said it was because he was my friend and important to me. Oddly enough, he opened up more in this short conversation then he had in a couple of weeks... we both cried a little and it seemed like we were on the same crazy rollercoaster for a second. I told him that what he’s going through is normal, and we’ll get through this, somehow (He was always the one saying this kind of thing before).
I felt pretty good after we hung up. And I actually had a pretty good weekend after that. Felt lighter. But I did go through some different feelings, anger, compassion, resentment, and fear… Just kind of stayed aware of them, but didn’t let them take me over.
So you can imagine that I am also wondering the flipside:
Did I do wrong not to put my foot down then and there?
My instinct say no, but it's risky, I know. I said here on this BB last week that I wanted to be supportive of him, and I know that there have to be limits to that, but I felt like I handled that in a way I can be proud of. Regardless of the outcome, now. I think I feel stronger.
Ok guys, thanks for listening, though it was long. I needed to vent and I hope you’ll tell me if you think I’m being an idiot here. Don't be shy
