I'd not be one for snooping, as it does nothing more than make the SNOOPER nuts. I'm all for doing work to improve self, and letting life run it's course. That being said, I simply disagree with certain parts of your stance.
Does the wife or one having the affair OWE the other anything...that depends. From my perspective, if someone has an affair, and wants to maintain the status quo, or save the marriage, she/he does. It's their call to make, but they need to understand their are consequence to their actions, and that is not a threat, simply a reality.
A sad reality about the courts and attorneys...those who strike first are usually the most successful. Iknow of many situations where the one having the affair sought out legal help first, marked into court and got a stay away order, and were successful in having temporary custody of the children and family home during the pending divorce, even though they were the ones who broke the trust. I've been through a divorce, do not want to go through another, and am all for saving a marriage...that does not mean one is stupid in their actions either....you can have a dual track of action in place, one aimed at saving the marriage, the other aimed at protecting yourself and your assets should the marriage not be salvagable.
When I read that the wife went on a nine day trip with the children, and spent four of those days with the OM, I'd personally counsel that a dual track approach is something to be given strong consideration...you may disagree, and I can respect that.
As to leverage...I'm a business person, have seen to often in life that too often people can be blind to reality unless you smack them upside their heads with a strong taste of reality. It's quite possible that the wife in this case is so filled with NRE (new relationship energy) that she's going to be lind to reality until it's too late unless the husband takes certain steps that give him some leverage that make her wake up.
Sure, work on one's self, take back up hobbies you've let go, do things that give yourself a better self image, and in doing so maybe change how the other percieves you, but I'm not one to be so naive as to skip certain basic steps to protect myself should the marriage not be one that can be saved...did that first time around, and gave away the farm....not again.
Today is what counts, so make the most of what you have, rather than regret what might have been.
