Well, the first thing to do is to, well, remain calm, lol. Seriously, you are doing ok. I think you just need to try as best you can to stop focusing on this affair. You are giving it too much power and I see very little posting about what YOU are doing outside the sitch to make yourself better. Please, try to maintain that focus and yes, read some more DR!
Ah, yes, good point, GH. Well, here are some of the things I've done, and some of the things I plan on doing...
Have done: * Started reading DR. * Started seeing an IC - two visits, so far. I think it should work out well, as I now have some goals about improving myself or my sake; although, not sure if I'll keep this IC as she doesn't take my insurance. :P * All this week and both weekends W was gone, I planned things with family and friends. (Normally, I'd just have sat at home on my a$$, surfing the web or something.) * Planned more with friends for the coming weeks. (Normally, we don't do anything on weeknights.) * Cleaned the house more than it's been clean in a long time. It's been a semi-pit, which has been bugging me - having it clean picks up my spirits a good deal. (Even got a "thank you" twice from W about it tonight.) (Just getting started, so haven't actually done all that much.)
Plan to do: * Go to the gym on a regular basis (once a week, for now). Plan on signing up this week and starting week after next - have to get new shoes. * Go swimming every night (we own a pool). * Meet up with old friends that have been getting together every week (W and I will trade off weeks, as they're our shared friends - trade off b/c someone has to stay home with the kids. Maybe get a babysitter every once in a while.) * Work on models or some other hobby like that which I enjoyed in younger days. * Take guitar lessons - something I've wanted to do for a long time. * Poker nights with a few guy friends on a regular basis. * Clean out the garage and start woodworking.
I haven't come up with anything else, quite yet. I figure some of this goes towards GAL, and other stuff just goes toward improving self image and lower stress level.
One problem I'm running into is $$$. I'm usually very money conscious - perhaps to a fault (hrm, a cause factor in the A? yes) - but, I haven't checked what I've been spending for the last month, and am afraid to look. I can only keep that up for so long before I'm eating into savings earmarked for retirement investments. Before too long, I'm going to be tempted to start using credit cards I paid off a while ago - something I promised myself I would never do again. Anybody run into this problem? Do I just say "Whatever it takes to save this marriage!" and deal with the consequences later... even if headed for D? I have to admit, part of my fear is also not having enough money for what might be a costly custody battle, should I choose to try for custody.
I think all those are good goals and things you are doing for yourself. As for the money thing, I think it works the same as the example in the 5 Love Languages book (at least I think it's where I read this) when the author says something like "Well, if you think it's expensive to buy her a gift every now and then, think how expensive it may be not to." In that case, he was referring to having a W who's LL is Gifts and not recognizing that.
Applied to your case, I don't think you go overboard, but yes, I personally think if you need to stretch a bit to GAL, then you do it. Don't go bankrupt or anything, or even overextend to the point where it becomes a real problem, just relax a bit an afford yourself some fun. This is my opinion, others may disagree.
I'd not be one for snooping, as it does nothing more than make the SNOOPER nuts. I'm all for doing work to improve self, and letting life run it's course. That being said, I simply disagree with certain parts of your stance.
Does the wife or one having the affair OWE the other anything...that depends. From my perspective, if someone has an affair, and wants to maintain the status quo, or save the marriage, she/he does. It's their call to make, but they need to understand their are consequence to their actions, and that is not a threat, simply a reality.
A sad reality about the courts and attorneys...those who strike first are usually the most successful. Iknow of many situations where the one having the affair sought out legal help first, marked into court and got a stay away order, and were successful in having temporary custody of the children and family home during the pending divorce, even though they were the ones who broke the trust. I've been through a divorce, do not want to go through another, and am all for saving a marriage...that does not mean one is stupid in their actions either....you can have a dual track of action in place, one aimed at saving the marriage, the other aimed at protecting yourself and your assets should the marriage not be salvagable.
When I read that the wife went on a nine day trip with the children, and spent four of those days with the OM, I'd personally counsel that a dual track approach is something to be given strong consideration...you may disagree, and I can respect that.
As to leverage...I'm a business person, have seen to often in life that too often people can be blind to reality unless you smack them upside their heads with a strong taste of reality. It's quite possible that the wife in this case is so filled with NRE (new relationship energy) that she's going to be lind to reality until it's too late unless the husband takes certain steps that give him some leverage that make her wake up.
Sure, work on one's self, take back up hobbies you've let go, do things that give yourself a better self image, and in doing so maybe change how the other percieves you, but I'm not one to be so naive as to skip certain basic steps to protect myself should the marriage not be one that can be saved...did that first time around, and gave away the farm....not again.
Today is what counts, so make the most of what you have, rather than regret what might have been.
Does the wife or one having the affair OWE the other anything...that depends. From my perspective, if someone has an affair, and wants to maintain the status quo, or save the marriage, she/he does. It's their call to make, but they need to understand their are consequence to their actions, and that is not a threat, simply a reality.
I agree with this 100%. I was only saying that in the case that the cheating spouse is NOT interested in reconciling, then they really "owe" their spouse nothing other than divorce.
Again, if the cheater wants to reconcile, then yes, there are some issues of honesty that need to be delt with and they "owe" their spouses some answers for their actions.
Quote: you can have a dual track of action in place, one aimed at saving the marriage, the other aimed at protecting yourself and your assets should the marriage not be salvagable.
I agree with this too to a certain extent. I am all for consulting a lawyer. I did it VERY early on in my sitch to make sure I knew what my legal rights were. I found out that in my state, infidelity is considered almost not at all in terms of custody and even alimony and so I had no reason to gather evidence or really worry much about things. Not much that happened was going to affect the eventual legal outcome of my sitch so I was pretty much free to go forward, feeling pretty ok with where I stood in the eyes of the law.
I just hesitate to advise people go further than that unless they really WANT a divorce because in my experience, and in reading the experience of other's here, when lawyers get TOO involved, then it is pretty hard to stay focused on saving the marriage. Again, that's just my opinion since I have not really been through the whole process.
Quote: When I read that the wife went on a nine day trip with the children, and spent four of those days with the OM, I'd personally counsel that a dual track approach is something to be given strong consideration...you may disagree, and I can respect that.
The context of my disagreement with that counsel is based on the number of threads I have read here in 6 months where similar trips have NOT resulted in much changing in the dynamic of the sitch. These sitches are usually pretty bad but the trip in-and-of-itself USUALLY does not become the deal breaker.
Once again, I agree that knowing your legal rights is always a good thing, it's just the degree to which you take things that I may disagree with you a bit on but all in all, I can tell you are speaking from your heart here.
Quote: As to leverage...I'm a business person, have seen to often in life that too often people can be blind to reality unless you smack them upside their heads with a strong taste of reality. It's quite possible that the wife in this case is so filled with NRE (new relationship energy) that she's going to be lind to reality until it's too late unless the husband takes certain steps that give him some leverage that make her wake up.
I could tell you were a business man from the start, which is not a bad thing at all. You have a very business-like approach to all of this, which works VERY well for some, and no so well for others. For me, I have a hard time thinking of my marriage as a business deal gone bad. As far as applying leverage, I do agree on principal with your idea but I would not call it leverage so much as just letting the WAS feel what the reality of the sitch is. To me, leverage is implying you are trying to coerce them into something and I don't agree with that. I don't want to coerce my W into anything, I just want to live my life and let her see what she is missing. If she chooses to be with me, then great, but I am not going to try to leverage any aspect of our lives, i.e. the kids, house, lifestyle, etc., to try to get her to see the "error of her ways". I just don't believe that is the right way to go about this although I will admit that while I am not ACTIVLY using leverage, some leverage is attained simply by taking the power back from your spouse and giving it to yourself in the form of the DBing principles of self-growth, GAL and detachment. It may be semantics but to me, it's important to understand your basic reasons for doing these things, and in terms of DB, your reasons should almost always be for self, THEN the WAS, and almost never simply to attain leverage in the situation.
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Sure, work on one's self, take back up hobbies you've let go, do things that give yourself a better self image, and in doing so maybe change how the other perceives you, but I'm not one to be so naive as to skip certain basic steps to protect myself should the marriage not be one that can be saved...did that first time around, and gave away the farm....not again.
And this is your basic disclaimer. This is personal to you, VERY personal because you didn't protect yourself well enough and lost a lot because of it. I get that. I too have a disclaimer, which most people here know, that is DB has worked very well for me and I believe in it so most of what I say is going to be pro-DB, sometimes to the exclusion of other "methods" of dealing with these situations. That said, I am not blind to the fact that you can mix and match and still have success I just think people need to be careful that the things they do are not counterproductive when combined.
