Got back from the weekend away (the concert was awesome ). H called soon after I got in. He had just dropped ow off at the airport. He broke things off with her.
He wanted to let me know right away.
It was a tough thing for him, I know. He said he was tempted to invite me right over, but didn't want to - but then he invited me to a movie anyway We went to a kids movie- was a nice time- it was the first time we've been to a movie theater together in 8 months since this all started.
Now, he says his idea now is to take 2 or 3 months to work on himself, get more counselling, read the "After the Affair" book I gave him (and get over ow) and take baby steps with me. Also to work on the debt he incurred going to see ow all the time. Then in the fall we would start looking for a new house to move to. In his words this might take longer or it might be shorter. And he is a little worried about time-pressure from me. (reasonably so, I guess).
He also said he knew he hadn't been a fair friend to me (I was always listening to him talk, and he could never offer me much the same way in return- his words) and he wanted to start being a good friend for me again, starting right now. Nice gesture. How do i trust it?
He seems honest. I was hoping for big trumpets to signal her departure and that's just unrealistic. She's not completely gone yet, and he's too fresh in it for us to really talk about it, though he says he will.
Is there a best way for me to proceed here? I don't think I should ask him to go for counselling for us yet, because he has so much to work on himself first. But there are issues that come up and I don't feel safe talking about them yet, and I end up backsliding when this happens. I get all discouraged and lose PMA. I wish there was a road map to helpus through at this point.
Do you guys have ideas out there? If we're supposed to be going slow - what are the first steps we should be taking? I guess they should be more obvious to me right now, but they aren't.
Don't bug him about 'is it REALLY over with OW?' But, you know that too.
I still sometimes have doubts as to whether my H's OW ever tried to contact him again-or vice versa. Trust is not re-built overnight, but the more time that goes by and the more he reinforces his commitment to you and the marriage, the better you will feel.
I made the mistake (before DB) of doing both of those things I just said not to do. It slowed us down, so the fact that he was still overseas which I now see that as a blessing in disguise, had he been here and had I NOT been actively DBing-who knows, we might already be divorced-we were making each other MISERABLE.
Give him his space but let him know you are there for him, and reassure him of your commitment to the marriage and the reconciliation.
Time. Time, time and more time. You know what you should be doing (and are doing it) and know that now PMA is very important, maybe more important now than ever.
Again, this is great news...just be patient-he's come this far-AND so have you!
Good news. However, take a wait and see attitude. Look for more real signals that he is trying. Let him initiate the OR (DB-101) conversations. Keep a little distance to let him know he has some work to do.
I think you should celebrate this small personal victory by going out and doing something nice for yourself, without H.
H is licking his wounds, so to speak. He needs space, which you've all told me, and I think I;m doing ok with it. But he's making a big deal about being my friend, which is kind of charming. He had said he would be busy last night, but then called me anyway, just to see if I was ok. Was nice. I was feeling lonely, but I didn't let on. Was important to me to keep that in check.
A couple of nights ago, we talked and he said something that made me feel really good and I'm trying to keep it in the front of my mind: he said that before he had left, he felt that he had loved me so unconditionally and that he felt I had not appreciated it. (I did, but I did a bad job of showing it). And then when the chips were down I gave it (unconditional love) right back to him. And though he mocked it for a while, one day he just saw it as an amazing thing, my faith in him and us, and it floored him.
Felt very validating. I am proud of me for this. And that is keeping my PMA up today.
**************************************** he said that before he had left, he felt that he had loved me so unconditionally and that he felt I had not appreciated it. (I did, but I did a bad job of showing it). And then when the chips were down I gave it (unconditional love) right back to him. And though he mocked it for a while, one day he just saw it as an amazing thing, my faith in him and us, and it floored him. *******************************************
Well, you know where you stand. Time to rebuild. This time use mortar to set those bricks in rather than elmers glue.
My PMA is bahaving strangely. Like there's a force field yellow tape all around it that says "caution". Now that I see what I want is within reach, I'm scared to trust and it's playing tricks on me. Won't let me think positively.
Why do we think so much about it all, why can't I just be glad for the baby steps again?
When I'm around H it is good, but a little nerve wracking. Sweet, and also awkward. Getting to know each other a little bit again (small doses), it's like we reach for the familiar and yet want to be different and better. Is this normal?
Wish I could afford another session with Arnold, so I'd understand this part of the process better.
What you are feeling are the normal feelings of a human being. Have you read "After the Affair." It is helpful in that it will tell you things you are feeling and how your spouse feels. Your defense mechanisms are shielding you and helping you to deal with the situation.
I'm divorced and I still feel things when I am around my W. She has included me in her life (to a point) and in family life with the kids. She has gone to church with the biys and me as a family. It's difficult, but I know that I have to be prepared for whatever life throws my way.
I have read the book "After the Affair" and I gave it to H not long ago (casually). Now I want to read it again!
Well, the weekend was hard. I ended up seeing many people I had not seen since my H left, and what a weird time to be seeing them now! Have to go through reliving the bad stuff a little with them, and not really able to go into the good stuff of late.
Know what? I have let this latest development (H breaking up with ow and has backed off to deal with it) send me into a spin. I mean it's been 6 days, what should I really be expecting from him. I have not been DBing well. I have pushed and pressured a little, not been "acting as if", shown him my fear and confusion and generally been acting the opposite of how I want to be with him. I know full well that he is messed up and I need to be careful. I find I'm very disappointed in myself. I cried all day yesterday thinking that I am going to fail at this, now, after all this progress. The fear of trusting the baby steps which SHOULD be a defense mech (thanks IMP) is really a destructive force right now. I need to get back that confidence that this will all work out. It was giving me patience.
Before bedtime, H called just to say goodnight and to say he knows I am having a hard time too, and should not be hard on myself. "we'll start from now as day one" was his idea. Baby stap number one and I am grateful.
I have to make the best of this chance and be smarter about this.
Ok, I'm going to have to re-read "After the Affair" again.
H is away on business this week, and I'm using the time to adjust my expectations to zero, and refocus my approach to him.
I wrote myself a sticky note that says "What if the next time was the last time?" as a reminder that when I talk to him, that if it were to be the last conversation with him, I would NOT want it to be about my frustration or insecurity but instead, peaceful, loving and friendly.
I got to try it out last night. HE called me at 1 am. And he really didn't sound good. (which worried me) He says he's a mess, just wanted to "connect" with me, and that he loves me. He is having a hard time. And not much more than that.
I tried to be cheery, told him cautiously that I am trying to be understanding, not to pry and to give him the space he needs. Also that I hope he feels he can talk to me, even if he's afraid it will hurt me, because I am his friend. Felt good to say it and mean it, even if I am scared. I admit it.
Anyway, he has clammed up a bit except for these little calls "to connect" and he has backed off a bit, too. Is this part of that withdrawal thing (it's only been 10 days) ???
). H called soon after I got in. He had just dropped ow off at the airport. He broke things off with her. 
We went to a kids movie- was a nice time- it was the first time we've been to a movie theater together in 8 months since this all started.