Wow, thanks for responding so fast everyone! I really appreciate the wise words and encouragement.

Zelda, suggest away!!!! The flowers were really good as a shocker and he admits they really started him thinking consciously. I have to admit, though, I feel bad about the deception and would prefer not to lie...or play like cat and mouse, really. So do you have any ideas that would work with that? We all want to hear them!

I should explain a couple of things about where we are at, he is already feeling very urgent about fixing this mess, 'cause he is outright miserable. It's possible that I might be the soother now, I see that. He does see that I'm having a good time and that there's a lot of good stuff he's missing out on with me. When we're around each other in person, we're all over each other, and he says he that is not rivalled by ow at all- ironically enough. (He admitted to me a loooong time ago he isn't attracted to her - Affair started by email).

I see that most everyone agrees that I should stay out of the "ending it with ow" biz and keep detached because he's not there yet, be a little more unavailable. I Have to be really careful because he gets quite discouraged when he thinks I'm avoiding talking about something, because we used to shove things under the rug... I admit that I probably say too much when we do talk (he still initiates most OR), I'll have to think on that one.

So i'm inspired now- here are some things I will try:

- Be less available, especially when I know he's usually looking for me (I think he'll notice even a little).

- I might suggest more public places to meet up, so that he can't necessarily "have" me... (literally ) we can only flirt.

- when I do talk to him, I'll detach by talking about less intimate stuff (no OR) and fun stuff I'm doing - he'll see more of what he's "missing" while he's mucking around in the his jungle of confusion

Any other thoughts?? Keep em coming!
Thanks so much, this is really helpful.

LeeP