Yesterday we had a joint session. It was a really weird day for it, in incomparison to everything else, I felt our problems were really insignificant and trival, it was like, "remind me why we're here." But we had an interesting session if nothing else.
I think for the first time H was hanging on to our marriage more than me. I'm winding down as I've mentioned before. When c asked if anything has changed in the last month, H said no, we're still great friends, I don't want to get a divorce. I said, yes, she asked if I was distancing, I said yes, I said I have come to accept that things may not work. I think this threw h completly.
I wasn't even sure if I wanted to have another session for awhile, but H asked me if I would, that he wanted to. So next month we'll have another. That's the only place he feels comfortable talking about it all, she keeps him in check he says.
Afterwards we talked by the car for awhile, about the days events, it shook us both, especially him. In counseling I said I see my future and I want to strive to gain it, with or without him. H said he can't see any anything clearly right now. He said he has total faith in my ability to make our marriage work, he has no faith in himself. Great.
He said he is very afraid that I will stop believing in him and give up. Even did the pursue/distance thing and got sort of mad and said that he had waited for 2 years for me to change and now I act like I'll only wait 11 months. I said you're having an affair. He seems to put much less value on the affair than I do. It's like that's a side thing to him. He basically said he's not not with me because of her but because he doesn't feel like he can be married right now.
Still I hung tough. I said there is no way to work on us, when there's a her. We are married, you're having an affair. I said maybe we should stop counseling while you get your act together. At that point he was adament that he didn't want to do that. He is so scared I'll stop believing in him because that's what he did to me. But he won't make the changes. Aaah.
I'm just going to keep backing off. I told him in counseling I have no regrets that I tried everything to save our marriage and nothing made him budge. He acts like he's paralyzed to do anything.
Even though I may sound like I was a little harsh yesterday, it was one of the best talks we ever had. He thanked me for asking him tough questions.
H
[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 09-12-2001).]
Hi Heidi! Haven't had a chance to keep up with you lately, and when I read about your C session, it made me shiver! I took pretty much the same stance in my & W's C session on Monday. Questioning whether things will work out, there may be other things to work on before working on OR, questioning continuance of joint sessions. Mentioning of the OP and how it really is a problem with me, a hurdle I haven't got over yet. I didn't get an immediate reaction like you did, but it's seeming to have shaken the fence a bit, getting things out of limbo. My W also belittles the significance of the op, just chooses to treat it as a side issue. Ignore it, and it'll go away.
My plan is pretty much the same as yours, just to back off and leave her questioning how much longer I'll be around. Making her aware that I'm not going to put up with her lack of commitment forever. Making her realize that she needs to put forth some more effort on OR.
Wish us both luck! I'll keep looking in to see how you are doing.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Hey JJ, I do wish us both good luck. I didnt sound like a bull in a china shop I hope. There's a point you get where I guess I'm not afraid of what he's going to say and I just asked it outright. Maybe that's not dbing correctly, but it is a 180.
H and I really have the same fear. We'll divorce, he'll get his act together, and it will be to late. I'll have moved on.
Crisis causes change. That's why I became a different person. I know we're both scared that the only thing that will cause his changes is me giving up on him and ending it.
I remind myself that nothing is final when it comes to feelings. You can create new beginnings from nothing. It's hard, but you can do it.
I guess I don't see the other person as a huge thing. Yet it is a huge thing as far as our marriage is concerned. I mean that's the whole point of a marriage. It's h and wife, not h, wife, and his OW. It's a HUGE roadblock. In every way we could we've grown closer, but with her there, there's only so close I can get. Am viewing this wrong. I don't worry about her, and I really do forgive him, but that has to end for anything to become of us ever.
Take care of yourself. You're much further ahead of me, she's back in the house with you. It's so sad, he and I have completly switched places. He is where I once was in all this. So I know he has to find the answers on himself, it's just so hard to try to standby and watch and wait.
Take care all.
[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 09-12-2001).]
Heidi - I have to agree with you about the op being a HUGE roadblock. Those are my feelings exactly. There is no room for a third party in a M, either kids, friends, relatives, BUT ESPECIALLY AN OP!!!! I can forgive, and have worked through the part I played in it happening. It's hard to try to forget and move on when it's still right there in your face.
Take care! You're not alone in this thought!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I think it IS time for your H to be dam scared. I think more detachment and distancing from you and even the slightest (or blatant?) hint of doubt from you is the kick in the butt he needs.
You've gotten to this place where, even if you don't reconcile, you KNOW you'll be OK. You cannot stay in limbo forever. You've been more patient than should be expected of any married person. I applaud you.
Your post made me smile first thing this morning, I am one tough chic .
I really think it is going to be the act of me pretty much giving up (in H's eye's anyway) that will be the changing point for him-if there's going to be one.
Next Thursday is our 4th anniversary. I have a card for him, blank so far. I think we'll see each other the day before to exchange some bill stuff so I'll give it to him then. Just going to write I'm thinking of him on the day nothing too gushing.
Wish me the best, I continue to distance and be ok. He's the one that has to prove things now.
H
p.s. Has anyone read the Four Agreements? It's a little book I picked up, have heard lots of good things about it. It is a good and easy read so far. Sums up four basic priniciples to follow to be happy in life. Seems like they apply to every area of life even though they sound so easy and basic.
Yesterday was our 4th anniversary. I didn't feel sad or down at really any part of the day. I thought I might get depressed or feel really bad, but I was ok with everything.
H had given me two cards, one to open the day before and one for the day of because I always like to prolong any celebration. They were very nice. The first one was kind of an inspirational card and the second was a really funny one that makes me laugh every time I look at it. Inside he wrote:
"Whatever has happened, is happening, or will happen, this day does hold meaning for me. It is a date that reminds me to appreciate the contributions you've made and continue to make to my life. Thank you for those. Love ***"
I'll take that and not sit and second guess a single part of it. Could be total bunk, but that's unfortunate for him if it is.
He also bought me something but of course it's on backorder-what else would I expect from a procrastinating mlcer .
I am really in an ok place, I remember last year how awful our anniversary was and how my whole life felt like a downward spiral. I'm a better, more whole and happier person after coming out at the other end. This experience has made me a stronger and more secure person. I'm a big believer that God gives you tests for a reason and only those tests he knows you can handle.
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