Yesterday we had a joint session. It was a really weird day for it, in incomparison to everything else, I felt our problems were really insignificant and trival, it was like, "remind me why we're here." But we had an interesting session if nothing else.

I think for the first time H was hanging on to our marriage more than me. I'm winding down as I've mentioned before. When c asked if anything has changed in the last month, H said no, we're still great friends, I don't want to get a divorce. I said, yes, she asked if I was distancing, I said yes, I said I have come to accept that things may not work. I think this threw h completly.

I wasn't even sure if I wanted to have another session for awhile, but H asked me if I would, that he wanted to. So next month we'll have another. That's the only place he feels comfortable talking about it all, she keeps him in check he says.

Afterwards we talked by the car for awhile, about the days events, it shook us both, especially him. In counseling I said I see my future and I want to strive to gain it, with or without him. H said he can't see any anything clearly right now. He said he has total faith in my ability to make our marriage work, he has no faith in himself. Great.

He said he is very afraid that I will stop believing in him and give up. Even did the pursue/distance thing and got sort of mad and said that he had waited for 2 years for me to change and now I act like I'll only wait 11 months. I said you're having an affair. He seems to put much less value on the affair than I do. It's like that's a side thing to him. He basically said he's not not with me because of her but because he doesn't feel like he can be married right now.

Still I hung tough. I said there is no way to work on us, when there's a her. We are married, you're having an affair. I said maybe we should stop counseling while you get your act together. At that point he was adament that he didn't want to do that. He is so scared I'll stop believing in him because that's what he did to me. But he won't make the changes. Aaah.

I'm just going to keep backing off. I told him in counseling I have no regrets that I tried everything to save our marriage and nothing made him budge. He acts like he's paralyzed to do anything.

Even though I may sound like I was a little harsh yesterday, it was one of the best talks we ever had. He thanked me for asking him tough questions.

H

[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 09-12-2001).]