Had a great birthday. H actually got some great gifts, met him for lunch the day of.
Have a counseling session coming up the 11th Not sure what to expect from this one. Last time I was pretty blatent in my questions and I think c addressed my questions with him at his next private session, because he's seemed a little more dim lately.
I'm kind of just getting to the end of the rope. In some ways he's come a long way, but in others there's the fact I've never seen his apartment (5 minutes from our house) I still have no idea what's going on in his head (either does he), no sign of OW ending, I haven't ever seen any kind of remorse about all this. And while I don't expect an aplogy at all, I do know that "waking up" will involve him realizing the mistakes he's made. So far, no real sign of that.
I keep wondering if he's going to call it quits at next session. I really have no idea. Then I've also been thinking of doing a major 180 in next session and saying to H that maybe he's been right all along. We don't belong with each other, I'm having doubts etc. I've always been the one saying I believe in him, us, me and that doesn't seem to have many results.
I've just been backing off and I guess I'm just out of ideas. I know I've worked my butt off and he's still not "getting it" so I don't feel this sense of "oh god, what if I would have done this." I sort of just feel at peace.
I notice sometimes I'll still break out bawling all of a sudden over somthing little that reminds me of him or after we've had a good time together. But those spells are short lived and afterwards I actually feel sort of relieved and with a new sense of energy. It doesn't depress me to my core anymore. I think it's just a part of the healing process, so I figure it's not bad to do some major crying every once in a while.
