Wedding went great, had a blast! I think something clicked after that becuase I'm really feeling different about H and about our relationship now. Not bad, just indifferent I guess. Sort of like if I don't see or talk to him no big deal at all.
Plus I'm finally starting to view this a little different. Maybe getting a bit ticked off finally. I think I saw someone's post where they just never got mad and that's been me. I was understanding and working so hard on my own self that I never had time to really look at all the crap h is dishing out to me.
And that feeling is different than if I would have felt it in the beginning of all this. It's not blaming him, it's seeing how hard I've worked on myself and how he is really so freaking lucky he is to have someone like me. He jsut doesn't get it.
Thoughts of divorce have begun to enter my head in a matter-of-fact way. I saw a thing from Gary Zukav that was about surrendering and that it's not a matter of giving up but more of accepting that your life is a certain way and then making the most of what life has given you. I got some lemons and then I've really worked hard at seeing my own faults and becoming a better person. Who knows if my h can ever get there. I hoped and believed he could, but I'm also starting to accept that we're not the same people and his journey may never take him there or it may take much longer than me.
I wouldn't say I'm giving up on dbing. I am just to the point that I may now be able to accept things I could never even bring myself to think about before.
My birthday is next week and I know turning 28 will be much more fun than last year, when I was just beginning to deal with all of this. Now I'm looking forward to a whole year where I know that whatever hits me I'll have the guts and ability to look it straight in the face .
.
