OK, where'd we leave off... SO went to the ER Friday night after trying to get in touch with his Dr. Seems it's a combination of morphine withdrawal..probably the nicotine withdrawal, as well...and on top of that, he's having extreme anxiety attacks and they gave him some pill for that...Ativan, perhaps?

After hearing him talk about the anxiety, I realized I come off as very insensitive when it comes to it - because I don't understand it. Because I don't feel it (anxiety). I have a hard time sympathizing because I can't relate to those anxious feelings. And because I can't sympathize, I come across as insensitive and unfeeling. Or cold. I guess it goes back to my survival instinct. Or the way I process things. My way of thinking is - No sense crying over spilled milk. Clean it up, move on and go buy another gallon. End of story. Crying won't clean it up or get it replaced, all it does is make your eyes puffy so you can't see clearly. Is that a bad way to think? I put this in, because it comes into play a little later.

Friday night he called several times during the night after he got back from the ER....I spoke with him each time and it was as if I was talking him down off a ledge or something. We had a couple of good talks in there...talking about his success; our girls; pointed out all the things he had to be proud of...it seemed to help. He kept talking about coming here Thursday needed night...how he felt he needed to; how he had nightmares (I asked what about - he said "You, NM, you" - guess that explains him grabbing me during the night. He wouldn't say any more, but I get the feeling it was about me leaving...or another guy...or something along those lines.).

Saturday, he had a wedding he was supposed to DJ. He called/texted me a couple of times - he still felt ill; wasn't sure he could do the wedding. I suggested he let the road guys do it. He said he was going to try & do it with one guy. He went; texted a few times that he was sick; called - said he was leaving after the major parts were over and letting the road guys finish it. Kept saying he felt like he was going to break down and cry. Again, I felt like I was talking him off the ledge. We did touch upon "things" - I said I would do whatever I had to help him out. He said, "NM, you're not to blame. You're not the cause of my problems." (OK - 24 hours later from his rampage and now a 180!) We talk a little more - I stressed to him that I don't understand anxiety. Told him (pretty much what I said above) - that I hoped he wouldn't think I was being cold or uncaring, because I did care - it was just that I didn't know how to help him. Later on, after the phone call, he texted me: "Just getting ready to doze off. please know that you are not the cause of any of my problems. See you in the morning. X o" (ok - waiting for comments from you guys on this!! )

Sunday, he gets here and he's not looking very well. I'm wandering around the house and see him crying. Sitting with all the girls on him and crying. Sitting alone and crying. I finally sit down next to him on the couch and he grabs my leg and holds on pretty tight. I don't say anything, we're just sitting there, me leaned up against him, he's still holding on to me. His mom (had called earlier to say she was stopping by) comes in, so I wait and see what he does. He keeps his hand where it was, so I remain sitting against him. His mom starts talking, actually says "SO, you look like crap. To which I said loudly, eyebrows raised "That's not very nice." I think that surprised her (she always seems to talk so negative to him - something I've picked up on ever since learning DBing). Anyway, a few minutes go by & I get up. His mom comes and sits down next to him and I look back and see her going to hug him and he's crying again - almost made me cry.

His mother only stayed for about a half hour. She leaves; I take the girls outside because the atmosphere inside was way too much for me. Leave SO on the couch dozing. He comes out after about an hour...we were actually getting ready to come back in...it was too hot. I go to the door and ask him if he minds if I go lay down for a bit. He says ok.

He comes in, I'm changing D3 out of her swimsuit; I see him go lay down on the bed. I go in and lay down next to him. He's crying again. I ask, SO. what's wrong. (I actually meant it as in how he was physically, but....) he starts crying harder and saying a whole lot of "I don't knows" and "everything" and "I don't what to do's". I kind of snuggle up against him and he puts his arm around me.

I don't remember exactly how the convo flowed...and I'm sure a lot is going to be lost in translation...and I'm not able to get the "tone" in...but the major points I remember him saying are he doesn't want me to leave; I'm not the blame for his problems; he doesn't want to lose me & the girls; we're behind on bills; he wants to run away.....

Somehow, he started talking about OW. He's still crying and he said, whatever happens, please don't answer the phone if she calls. I said "OK, I won't." He starts going on....crying...."She moved out of my place about 2 months ago." (Now, I was laying against him, our arms around each other, and it was one of those moments where I knew if I did or said ANYTHING, it was going to be broken. So I didn't. Didn't move, didn't change my breathing; didn't flinch - just laid perfectly still without saying a word.)....he goes on..."I told her to move out. I didn't want her there anymore. I was also supposed to go to Florida with her. But I didn't go. So I guess she took someone else." I did ask what happened. He said, "I don't know, she's got some issues. Some real mental issues. Or maybe it's me that pushes people that way." Somewhere in there, I said (not meanly, rather completely honestly - because I meant it) - "SO, I'm going to tell you this one time, and I'm not going to say it again - if you want to be with OW, I won't stand in your way. I'll go my own way and you can do what you have to do to work it out with her. (Yeah, someone kick me really frickin' HARD!)

Then...crying harder...."NM, do you know how bad I want to move back here? Half of me wants to move back so bad. I can't stand not being here. But the other half of me is so afraid it isn't going to work out." During most of this, I would simply validate where I could, letting him talk. He said he wanted to run away; he doesn't know what to do - I said that we could only do it one step at a time. He said "We have been doing in one step at a time and it's gotten all Effed up." I said "well the 1st thing we need to do is to decide where I'm going to live. I said, "I've been looking for jobs in two different states. We have to figure out which one it is going to be." He said "I can't ask you to leave here. It isn't right. I don't want you to leave here. " I said "OK, we'll have to figure it out one thing at a time." He said "Where are you going to work? Who's going to watch the kids." I said "I'll do what I can do to get back into real estate. Worse case scenario, my mom said she'd help out with the kids for a little while if I stay here." To which he got crying again - saying he hated to be confused and doesn't know what to do. I know in there I talked about how I was confused about things sometimes like he was. I said "why do you think I'm still here? I said there's been times when I've thought I should just pack it up and get the hell out. I said "but I'm still here. And you're confused, and I get confused and it's actually not altogether a bad thing. Confusion can be good." He said "I guess so." We laughed.

I'm probably forgetting some stuff. And I know it's probably out of order, too. The convo turned to sex. I said I didn't know if it hurt or helped things. We did start....then, as I kind of figured, Quick Draw McGraw made an appearance. So, things were, ahem, abbreviated. That kind of set him back again. I just curled up next to him again...arms around each other...(I put this in because this is not normal for us. All this touching and holding each other. Well, we haven't in so long. And he was the one doing most of the initiating of it. And I followed his lead.) We laid there for a while, not really talking. I know he was upset, so we talked about it for a minute...I kept it light, pointed out the drugs, not having done it in a few weeks; etc...kidded him he owed me a double - he seemed OK. Actually, he got up with the kids, grabbing my hands, telling me "Don't worry everything is going to work out". Then I - surprisingly enough - fell asleep. He came in and woke me about an hour later and he actually seemed a hell of a lot better than before our talk.

So, that's my recap. I'm not sure what it all means. I'm trying not to dwell or take it for more (or less) than I should. I'm hoping it's a start to something. I mean, I still don't know where he's at with OW. Or whether he's torn between her or me or WHAT exactly it is. But, I'm not going to look at it that way.

My work now is to get that other 50% of him off the fence. And for him to not look at things between us so negatively. I keep thinking about what GH said - and to somehow get him to "see" what it could be like if we were to get it back to good between us.

It's been an exhausting day.