I know you guys are all eagerly waiting with bated breath in anticipation of my update!
Well, to save you further reading, I'll tell you now - not much - surprisingly quiet. Mostly because I stayed as far away from him as I could for the whole day.
So - backtrack - last night, After I got off the phone with him (and him telling me he'd call me back after his horrendous rampage - uh, yeah, honey - a phone call I'm soooo going to be looking forward to!) and posting here, I went to bed. Read for awhile, couldn't fall asleep - my mind was so troubled. He then called around 10:45 or so....I answered (actually - answered the 2nd time he called) very, very quietly and cautiously. Not even sure what was said - he must have thought that he woke me up, because he said you sound out of it - I'll let you go back to sleep. Fine with me (let him feel guilty for waking me up), I said OK and quick got off the phone with him.
Then during the night, the phone kept ringing & ringing & ringing - starting at around 1:30 AM. I had the phone off in my bedroom, but could hear the other one in the living room. Finally, around 3, I attempted to answer, but he hung up as I picked up. So, I called him back - couldn't really hear him - he said "Hello" , Me: "Hey - something wrong?" Him: garbled, then lost the call.
Maybe about a minute later, I saw him pull in the driveway. And ya know what, I wasn't even surprised. Is that weird? I mean, I wasn't expecting it, yet, it did not surprise me at all that he appeared.
Anyway, I was in the kitchen and he came into the living room saying "Hey, what are you doing?" I answered: "Hey, what are YOU doing?". He never came to the kitchen, I finished smoking and headed back to living room, where he's laying on the couch. He said "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd come out here." I said "OK."
There was some idle chit-chat about how he felt, the pills he's on (Percoset, Augmentum; nicotine patch; wellbutrin - 2 others I don't remember); blah-blah - then I tell him I'm going back to bed. He asked if I could get him a blanket because "I guess I'll sleep on the couch" to which I said "I wouldn't have expected you to think anything else" -Not sure if he heard it, as he asked "What?", I said "I'll get you a blanket." Laughing, too, BTW.
I'm asleep and not sure what time it was - I'm pretty sure it was getting light out, when he crawls into bed next to me. I wasn't really awake, fell back to sleep. Sometime later, I felt him grab me (butt, in case you need to know) ...then say my name. ???? I fell back to sleep without comment.
I wake up, take care of the kids, etc, while he's sleeping. After everyone's all fed & such, I let D7 go wake him. He asked me to come next to him and feel if he's got a fever. He's actually cold, clammy & sweaty and got the shakes. He was like this all day. He finally called the hospital around 4 and they said it could be the infection back...suggested he go there again.
So, that's what he's doing - debating on whether to go back to the hospital or not. He was supposed to DJ a wedding tomorrow, I suggested he just let the road guys do it. I heard him on the phone with one of the people he works with - telling her to cancel the remotes they have booked for him.
I'm really worried about him - I took his temperature, it's very low, 96.8. Or, I didn't leave it in long enough (the old fashioned kind - my new one has dead batteries)...he's been cold, clammy, sweaty all day. Slept off/on all day. Soaked his clothes through. He only ate a couple pieces of toast all day. He was shaking, his face is pale and his eyes were wide. He wouldn't let me drive him (or take his truck/trailer to the road guys) to the hospital or anything. But said he'd let me know what he's doing...oh, and I should "make sure I keep the phone in the bedroom plugged in."
And that's about it for my day. GH, I wanted to comment on something you said earlier....
Quote: and worrying about it is probably going to land YOU NM, in the hospital.
It's funny - I have a way of somehow getting past things. I've been trying to figure it out all day...and the best I can come up with is this ... I am a survivor.
I know I rant on here at times; I know I sound sad or desolate at times - but you know what, I always come out ok, and usually sooner rather than later.
I don't know how - I don't know why. People who know me and some of the things I've been through in my life, constantly remark "I don't know how you do it, NM". (A phrase that really annoys me, BTW.) I just do what I have to do. I always have. Does that make sense? I look at other people who've turned to drinking and/or drugs; others who are on anxiety pills...somehow, I've never felt a need to resort to those artificial assistants. Like I have some kind of weird force shield around me that protects me.
Yeah, I can't get down, but I don't stay down for very long. I pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. I don't know - come see me in another 20-30 years to see if I'm still OK...who knows, maybe it will all catch up with me.
But all in all, never fear, NM will be OK. NM may, however, put SO in the hospital with his head REALLY stuffed up his a$$, lmao, but, NM will be ok. And thanks.
Quote: There was some idle chit-chat about how he felt, the pills he's on (Percoset, Augmentum; nicotine patch; wellbutrin - 2 others I don't remember)
Quote: nicotine patch
!!!!!!!!
I think THERE'S your answer for his erratic behavior!!!! Nicotine withdrawal!
OK, where'd we leave off... SO went to the ER Friday night after trying to get in touch with his Dr. Seems it's a combination of morphine withdrawal..probably the nicotine withdrawal, as well...and on top of that, he's having extreme anxiety attacks and they gave him some pill for that...Ativan, perhaps?
After hearing him talk about the anxiety, I realized I come off as very insensitive when it comes to it - because I don't understand it. Because I don't feel it (anxiety). I have a hard time sympathizing because I can't relate to those anxious feelings. And because I can't sympathize, I come across as insensitive and unfeeling. Or cold. I guess it goes back to my survival instinct. Or the way I process things. My way of thinking is - No sense crying over spilled milk. Clean it up, move on and go buy another gallon. End of story. Crying won't clean it up or get it replaced, all it does is make your eyes puffy so you can't see clearly. Is that a bad way to think? I put this in, because it comes into play a little later.
Friday night he called several times during the night after he got back from the ER....I spoke with him each time and it was as if I was talking him down off a ledge or something. We had a couple of good talks in there...talking about his success; our girls; pointed out all the things he had to be proud of...it seemed to help. He kept talking about coming here Thursday needed night...how he felt he needed to; how he had nightmares (I asked what about - he said "You, NM, you" - guess that explains him grabbing me during the night. He wouldn't say any more, but I get the feeling it was about me leaving...or another guy...or something along those lines.).
Saturday, he had a wedding he was supposed to DJ. He called/texted me a couple of times - he still felt ill; wasn't sure he could do the wedding. I suggested he let the road guys do it. He said he was going to try & do it with one guy. He went; texted a few times that he was sick; called - said he was leaving after the major parts were over and letting the road guys finish it. Kept saying he felt like he was going to break down and cry. Again, I felt like I was talking him off the ledge. We did touch upon "things" - I said I would do whatever I had to help him out. He said, "NM, you're not to blame. You're not the cause of my problems." (OK - 24 hours later from his rampage and now a 180!) We talk a little more - I stressed to him that I don't understand anxiety. Told him (pretty much what I said above) - that I hoped he wouldn't think I was being cold or uncaring, because I did care - it was just that I didn't know how to help him. Later on, after the phone call, he texted me: "Just getting ready to doze off. please know that you are not the cause of any of my problems. See you in the morning. X o" (ok - waiting for comments from you guys on this!! )
Sunday, he gets here and he's not looking very well. I'm wandering around the house and see him crying. Sitting with all the girls on him and crying. Sitting alone and crying. I finally sit down next to him on the couch and he grabs my leg and holds on pretty tight. I don't say anything, we're just sitting there, me leaned up against him, he's still holding on to me. His mom (had called earlier to say she was stopping by) comes in, so I wait and see what he does. He keeps his hand where it was, so I remain sitting against him. His mom starts talking, actually says "SO, you look like crap. To which I said loudly, eyebrows raised "That's not very nice." I think that surprised her (she always seems to talk so negative to him - something I've picked up on ever since learning DBing). Anyway, a few minutes go by & I get up. His mom comes and sits down next to him and I look back and see her going to hug him and he's crying again - almost made me cry.
His mother only stayed for about a half hour. She leaves; I take the girls outside because the atmosphere inside was way too much for me. Leave SO on the couch dozing. He comes out after about an hour...we were actually getting ready to come back in...it was too hot. I go to the door and ask him if he minds if I go lay down for a bit. He says ok.
He comes in, I'm changing D3 out of her swimsuit; I see him go lay down on the bed. I go in and lay down next to him. He's crying again. I ask, SO. what's wrong. (I actually meant it as in how he was physically, but....) he starts crying harder and saying a whole lot of "I don't knows" and "everything" and "I don't what to do's". I kind of snuggle up against him and he puts his arm around me.
I don't remember exactly how the convo flowed...and I'm sure a lot is going to be lost in translation...and I'm not able to get the "tone" in...but the major points I remember him saying are he doesn't want me to leave; I'm not the blame for his problems; he doesn't want to lose me & the girls; we're behind on bills; he wants to run away.....
Somehow, he started talking about OW. He's still crying and he said, whatever happens, please don't answer the phone if she calls. I said "OK, I won't." He starts going on....crying...."She moved out of my place about 2 months ago." (Now, I was laying against him, our arms around each other, and it was one of those moments where I knew if I did or said ANYTHING, it was going to be broken. So I didn't. Didn't move, didn't change my breathing; didn't flinch - just laid perfectly still without saying a word.)....he goes on..."I told her to move out. I didn't want her there anymore. I was also supposed to go to Florida with her. But I didn't go. So I guess she took someone else." I did ask what happened. He said, "I don't know, she's got some issues. Some real mental issues. Or maybe it's me that pushes people that way." Somewhere in there, I said (not meanly, rather completely honestly - because I meant it) - "SO, I'm going to tell you this one time, and I'm not going to say it again - if you want to be with OW, I won't stand in your way. I'll go my own way and you can do what you have to do to work it out with her. (Yeah, someone kick me really frickin' HARD!)
Then...crying harder...."NM, do you know how bad I want to move back here? Half of me wants to move back so bad. I can't stand not being here. But the other half of me is so afraid it isn't going to work out." During most of this, I would simply validate where I could, letting him talk. He said he wanted to run away; he doesn't know what to do - I said that we could only do it one step at a time. He said "We have been doing in one step at a time and it's gotten all Effed up." I said "well the 1st thing we need to do is to decide where I'm going to live. I said, "I've been looking for jobs in two different states. We have to figure out which one it is going to be." He said "I can't ask you to leave here. It isn't right. I don't want you to leave here. " I said "OK, we'll have to figure it out one thing at a time." He said "Where are you going to work? Who's going to watch the kids." I said "I'll do what I can do to get back into real estate. Worse case scenario, my mom said she'd help out with the kids for a little while if I stay here." To which he got crying again - saying he hated to be confused and doesn't know what to do. I know in there I talked about how I was confused about things sometimes like he was. I said "why do you think I'm still here? I said there's been times when I've thought I should just pack it up and get the hell out. I said "but I'm still here. And you're confused, and I get confused and it's actually not altogether a bad thing. Confusion can be good." He said "I guess so." We laughed.
I'm probably forgetting some stuff. And I know it's probably out of order, too. The convo turned to sex. I said I didn't know if it hurt or helped things. We did start....then, as I kind of figured, Quick Draw McGraw made an appearance. So, things were, ahem, abbreviated. That kind of set him back again. I just curled up next to him again...arms around each other...(I put this in because this is not normal for us. All this touching and holding each other. Well, we haven't in so long. And he was the one doing most of the initiating of it. And I followed his lead.) We laid there for a while, not really talking. I know he was upset, so we talked about it for a minute...I kept it light, pointed out the drugs, not having done it in a few weeks; etc...kidded him he owed me a double - he seemed OK. Actually, he got up with the kids, grabbing my hands, telling me "Don't worry everything is going to work out". Then I - surprisingly enough - fell asleep. He came in and woke me about an hour later and he actually seemed a hell of a lot better than before our talk.
So, that's my recap. I'm not sure what it all means. I'm trying not to dwell or take it for more (or less) than I should. I'm hoping it's a start to something. I mean, I still don't know where he's at with OW. Or whether he's torn between her or me or WHAT exactly it is. But, I'm not going to look at it that way.
My work now is to get that other 50% of him off the fence. And for him to not look at things between us so negatively. I keep thinking about what GH said - and to somehow get him to "see" what it could be like if we were to get it back to good between us.
Powerful stuff. I don't have much time, but I think you are seeing clearly how grey all this is. I think this proves once and for all that when you think things are going towards one extreme or the other, they're likely to 180 again, and FAST.
Overall, I think this is probably really good news and I think you both aired some really important things. I will post more tomorrow but for now, take care and don't think too much, lol.
SO went back to work today. Emailed me this morning that he didn't really want to be there, that he wished he could have taken the week off. He was supposed to come out here today, but said he wasn't sure. I told him he didn't have to; if he needed to rest. Said he would let me know once he left work.
He showed up here around noon with lunch for us...without calling and also saying he could only stay a real short time. I thought this was way weird but didn't comment on it. We ate; he checked his email, then said he had to go. So, he was here a total of about 45 minutes. The drive here is longer....anyway - once again, no comment from me.
He leaves and I didn't hear from him for hours. Finally, around 5 he called and I let it go to the answering machine. He started sadly talking into the phone and asking for someone to please pick up. I gave the phone to D7. She spoke with him then handed the phone off to me. He wasn't right. I asked if everything was OK....he said that he'd been trying to take care of things and get his mess cleaned up. He said he's broken it off with OW, but she's being crazy. Begged me again not to take any of her calls. I said I wouldn't. He said some more about her, said he doesn't want to be with her; wants to do the right thing. Said "Do you know how bad I want to come back there?" I thought he meant as in today - I wasn't sure...so I asked. I said "Now?" He said, "No, no move back home. I have to clean all this up. The last two years. Everything I've done. "
I know I'm forgetting things....I did say that he sounded a little negative, that I wished he could be more positive. I didn't say anything along the lines of us - I was really struck dumb by the things he was telling me. A little nervous, too. I felt at such a loss as to what to say....I didn't want to scare him with a picture perfect future of us or anything (not yet, anyway); nor did I want to preach about how it'll take time to get over OW - so, I didn't say much. Only agreed with him where I could; validated where I could...gave him support where he seemed to need it.
Towards the end, I did kind of change the subject to lighten things up. Turning to idle chit-chat to change the tone. After we hung up he sent an email that said: "Thanks for listening before.. Things..life will be all better soon. Have a good night." I emailed back, telling him I appreciated him talking with me both yesterday and today.
Then, not too long ago, the phone rings. Yeah, I'll give ya'all one guess. OW. Kind of funny thing though, the answering machine (which clicks on after 3 rings) never picked up her call. LOL - guess the answering machine knows something. The phone rang 4-5 times, then she hung up. I was actually kind of hoping she'd hear the message, which is still SO, lol - I've never gotten around to changing it.
So, my saga for the day. I'm excited, yet nervous about what's going on with SO. I don't think he's being untruthful with me (finally!?) . And, I know I have a whole bunch of thoughts & questions whirling around in my brain - I just don't feel like thinking about them right now.
If he really broke it off with her, as he claims, she may have threatened him with calling you with some salacious details that she thought would send you into orbit. Many an OP in her position has tried to make the LBS so angry that they file for D ... so the OP can have the WAS all to him/herself.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Going to start with this email from SO this morning....
" I'm trying to right all the wrongs I've done and get back to the life I miss so much"
Oh boy....I don't know guys, but it really seems as if things are headed in a good direction this time. So, how come I'm all nervous and stuff? Hesitant, wanting to say things, yet holding back?
I know why. Because after all this time, it's so hard to believe the time is finally here. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For SO to say forget it - I made a mistake. I want to be with OW. Bye, bye NM. Every email he sends...every time the phone rings...I almost dread opening them or answering the call. I wonder how long it takes to "believe"?
Someone smack me, whack me, clobber me with the 2 x 4. Tell me to believe in the power of positive thinking.
Never mind - I did it myself! One day at a time...hour by hour, minute by minute if necessary. I've got more I need to get out here, rather than with SO...but, house work calls; and, as keeper of the Cheerios, the kids won't give me a minute to organize the thoughts swirling through my head. I'll have to try and get back on here later.
)
So, things were, ahem, abbreviated. That kind of set him back again. I just curled up next to him again...arms around each other...(I put this in because this is not normal for us. All this touching and holding each other. Well, we haven't in so long. And he was the one doing most of the initiating of it. And I followed his lead.) We laid there for a while, not really talking. I know he was upset, so we talked about it for a minute...I kept it light, pointed out the drugs, not having done it in a few weeks; etc...kidded him he owed me a double - he seemed OK. Actually, he got up with the kids, grabbing my hands, telling me "Don't worry everything is going to work out". Then I - surprisingly enough - fell asleep. He came in and woke me about an hour later and he actually seemed a hell of a lot better than before our talk.