Oh guys....I don't know. When I have done that - he's forcefully rejected everything I suggest. Saying all the stuff we LBS hear - if it was meant to be it would have been by now; ILBNILWY; he's tried already and it didn't work; said we were never really a family - he was only doing what he thought was right - all of the same old lines from the WA handbook, page 1.
And especially now - when he's saying the stress (of us) is a big factor in his health problems? I've really only been agreeing (validating?) what he's saying without committing to anything (i.e. whether I'll move or not). When I say I'll move - he freaks. When I say I'm staying - he gets PO'd. He's still at the stage where he's blaming me for everything - wouldn't going against what he says only antagonize him?
How would ya'all suggest I do this? I'm terrible at putting things into words. And he's even more terrible at translating what I say.
Did you ever see that movie Big Fat Greek Wedding? There's a line in it that I think of in times like this:
The mother & daughter are talking about the father being stubborn: "Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. "Ah, the man is the head of the house!" Mother says:
Quote: The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.
(Sorry guys out there! ) But, question is, how does one do that? In my sitch, I think it would benefit him to come up with this "on his own".
Quote: And especially now - when he's saying the stress (of us) is a big factor in his health problems?
Funny, I read that more as him saying the stress of his having an affair and trying to lead a double life led to his health problems.
And how long has it been since you suggested to him that a positive future together is a possibility? Not in a pressuring way, butin a "You know, it's still a possibility" way? Just because he rejected it before DOESN'T mean it isn't rolling aroundin his mind. I found out, much to my surprise, that something I said to my H during his crisis - something I thought at the time he didn't even HEAR, since he certainly never acknowledged it - was the one thing that kept rolling around in his head and brought him home.
(What did I tell him? I told him he was going to have to work his problems out sometime, somewhere, so why not here with the mother of his children, who knew all his flaws and loved him anyway?).
Him: Im still drugged up. Hope to be out of here later. How are the kids? Me: The kids are doing well. They're good kids. Have a good day
Him: What is going to happen NM? Please dont fight w me about things needing to be dif in the future. I didnt exactly get good news from the dr. Me: I told you - I will NOT contribute to any more of your stress, and I mean it. I agree to whatever you need me to do or whatever arrangements you want. It's the ONLY thing I can do for you. The kids would be better off with an alive part-time dad, than a full-time dead dad.
Him: You always fight with me about it and thats what is taking its toll on me Me: There's nothing to fight about because there's nothing left. It probably won't happen overnight like you want (me moving out), but I will come up with a resolution.
Him: I have tried my best not to be a part time dad. But i guess thats all i am Me: You're a great dad and you can tell by how much the kids love & miss you. Don't ever doubt that. Whatever you want I will do. So my kids can have their dad.
Him:I just dont want the rest of my life to consist of nothing but stress and major med problems. Me: OK...Rest easy & try not to worry - I'll do my best to ease things for you. Take care of yourself & we can work on being friends for the sake of the kids. If I act distant, it's because it's the way it has to be until I get used to these changes.
Him: I cant get used to anything either NM. Constantly am being made sick thinking about what will happen to my kids. Its all my fault and its prob going to kill me Me: It's not all your fault - I had a lot to do with it,too. You said this is what needs to be done. Now, take a nap or something, please. I'm going to start mowing the lawn and work on my tan.
Him: Ok. When you can, email me my avail bank bal. I need lots pills Me: $$$$ available Him: Thank you. I need to do something about this bad money situation dammit Him: How was the fireworks? (Don't know why he asked this??? No response from me)
Me: You're free to come back to your own house at any time to relieve the money sitch while I figure out MY plan. (After I read Ellie's & GH's posts & in response to money sitch) Him: Thanks but we both know that will be way to hard
Me: OK, its not about you & me anymore. Now it's about helping YOU. It does make the most financial sense. I need to get out of here & we both agree to that. Just didn't want you to think you weren't allowed in your own home if it saves the most $.
Him: We can not live in the same house NM. Your the one that screamed and yelled at me to note out in the 1st place
Him: Its not all about the money. Going back there would mentally kill both of us and destroy the kids feelings Me: OK, you're right. just wanted you to know there would be no expectations if you chose that option. It would have to be a temporary room mate scenario only.
Him: I know NM. Please come up with some options that will work best for all of us. I can not keep going to the hospital, things need to change now, and change for the best. Please Me: I also need to know some of YOUR ideas, please. Option A. I move to XX - requires $$ I DON'T HAVE! Option B. Remain here (alone) & go back to work until more money is saved for me to move out. Option C. You move back here, save money, while I also work & save money. Any other ideas?
Him: I dont want to move D7 in the middle of a school year Me: OK, and it would probably be a good idea to stop talking with each other so much, don'tcha think? Set a schedule for visitation with the kids. Nothing personal- let's keep it to a bare minimum. No more entanglements of ANY sort. We need to keep our lives separate from each other, OK?
Him: I knew you would reply that way, but i guess thats the way it will have to be. I will come there tomorrow to visit Me: I'm sorry. Don't take it the wrong way. I guess I don't understand what you're asking of me.
Anyone make any sense of this or do I put too much emphasis on the things he says to me?
Well, back to feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach by Jekyll. Just got off the phone with SO - he was released from the hospital and was at his apartment.
He wants me out of the house before the start of the next school year. Approximately 45 days for me to find a place to live and move - all without any money. Oh, he said he'd give me "some". Take whatever contents I want, the Explorer and go. Oh and "get my ass back to work and start contributing because he's not paying for everything forever."
His behavior is so over the top bizarre it's almost scary. I've never heard him this angry with me or yelling such vile things at me. Almost out of the blue. The conversation started great - he called, was talking about how he felt, then whammo - next second he was yelling & cursing and blaming me for everything. Even when I agree with him, he still tells me I'm arguing with him and being difficult. I don't get it and I don't deserve that kind of treatment from him.
So, I'll go. It's in mine & the girls best interests to give him what he wants. Once I go, once I move across state lines and uproot the kids, I'm done with him. He can have his house, his cars; his fans; his OW. What he won't have is his family and he'll be losing a hell of a lot more than I will or the kids. He better be ready for it.
Honey, I have no answers but your SO is being a Jack. A$$. His texts are immature and baby-ish. What a whiner. He's just whacked in the head, as all WAS's are, and hopefully the reality of you disappearing and him seeing that his life is HIS fault, not yours, will shake some sense into him.
I'm probably all wrong but it just p-ed me off to read those texts to you and I had to rant on your behalf. Chin up, sister, the aliens have landed again.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
"NM, I need to know what your plan is for my life..."
What the hell is that? If HE were the LBS, there would be a line of the "manliest men" telling him to grow a set, start making decisions and be "the man". They would tell him that his indecisiveness was probably one of the big issues in the marriage and a contributing factor to NM having an affair (um...well...you know what I mean).
Geezus, I know the man is not well but could he be any more codependent or P/A? "NM, I hate you and don't really want you in the house..." "Ok SO, I'll leave tomorrow..." "Damnit NM, I knew you would do that. Why do you have to be that way?"
Wow. That's about it, just wow. This man has NO freaking clue what he wants right now and worrying about it is probably going to land YOU NM, in the hospital.
I too am angry at reading his texts. Sorry I can't be more helpful other than to offer support.
Ok, glad I could make you laugh. To be slightly more serious...
I take that back. I think he MIGHT know what he wants. He sounds like he may want a new life with you, one that does not include the yelling and other negative behavior he associates with the "old" R. He wants that but is in no way sure he can ever have it.
I say that because for someone who doesn't want you around, or to be around you, he sure is calling, texting and showing up a lot. I think ANYTHING that even looks like the past to him is scaring the hell out of him. Now, he even has medical reasons to fear the "old" life you two had. He is somehow convinced that not only would it make him unhappy again, but kill him too. I guess he wants to die with a smile on his face...sorry...morbid...my bad.
Anyway, I think there is something still going on with him but it's not really up to you to figure it out. I also agree with a lot of other people that it's not up to you to plan his life for him, or really alter YOUR life to suit his needs. You know that though.
I can't wait to see what he said when he showed up at 3am...
) But, question is, how does one do that? In my sitch, I think it would benefit him to come up with this "on his own". 
