I know I could probably force that and stay here. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. I'm going to lay low, go dark, stay off HIS radar for a while.
Quote: Also, remember that he's sick, probably on pain meds, and may not be completely in his right mind right now.
Among other things....I think not only do they need to examine his as$ with the colonoscopy, but hey - maybe they'll find his head there. Once they pull it out, the doctors can clean off the crap and examine THAT while they're at it.
Humor...yup - still got it. If I don't laugh, I'll probably crack like an egg!
Today, I'm taking the kids to a BBQ at his mom's. I'm hoping she doesn't try to talk to me about anything, because I think I'll lose it. Don't know if she's invited his father or not (they're divorced) - but, if him & stepmothers is there, I'm hoping the same thing. I don't want to disclose anything to his family - but I feel really fragile right now. There isn't anyone that I can talk to about this - everyone will probably get mad (at him) and I don't want that to happen.
Tonight, I'm going to try & figure out a way to take the kids to the fireworks - alone. No easy chore with the 2 littlest ones. But, I guess it's time I stepped up to the plate and really started doing these things by myself.
Anyway, I realized last night that this complete and total change of SO's demeanor came the day he was told they weren't releasing him anytime soon. I'm not justifying his vile behavior, but I guess I'm the only person he can take it out on, whatever way he can. Knowing that, it still does not make it any easier to deal with.
And, who knows. Maybe I do add to his stress. Unwittingly. Maybe I think I'm doing things right, when he views it as annoying. I don't know anymore. I almost don't give a damn. But, you guys have seen the stuff I write - I've been as honest as can be - I don't think there's much that I've done to annoy him, is there? He says "I asked him to move out" and that added to the stress of $$. My defense - he was blatantly with OW in front of my face. Plus, in the end, it was ultimately his choice to go. Throughout all this, I thought I was letting him go. Evidently he doesn't see it that way. Somewhere in what I was doing, it was still annoying to him. Still interfering with his fantasy life.
Who knows. Maybe I am the one living a fantasy and it's time to let it go. I did ask him yesterday if " will getting my own place resolve everything?". His answer: "I'm not a fortune teller." So that's what I'm dealing with. He wants me to go, but then says in the next breath he's still ''not sure if it's the right thing to do" and still "not sure what he wants."
I need to figure out what *I* want do. That's all I can do.
Haven't talked much with SO since our last argument Monday. Yesterday I took the kids to his mom's for a BBQ. That morning he sent me an email that said "What are you going to do?" I took it as he was asking about *other* things but answered him with "Today, I'm going to your mom's for a BBQ. Then, taking the girls to the fireworks tonight in Town. Hope you're doing better. " That was it. No response from him.
Later on at his mothers, he called about 3-4 times throughout the day. WTH? Wouldn't speak to me, though - until the last phone call as we were getting ready to leave. His tone was Did we have a good time? Do I have enough money, just basic stuff said very pleasantly. I was very cautious, kept my tone light and stuck to just answering his questions. Told him we were getting ready to leave.
When I got home, he had sent an email that said "Are you home yet? Did you schedule a date at the fireworks?" WTH? For a person that wants me out of his life, sees me as the root of all evil and problems, he certainly cares a bit too much, wouldn't you say? My response: "Home. Headed to the fireworks around 8:30." Nothing else - no reference to the "date", nothing. So, then he calls. Gets me on the phone after the kids and says am I going to the fireworks alone or is someone going to help me, his mother or anyone else? I said "No, I'm going to take them by myself." He said "OK, I told D7 to call me when you guys get home." Again, WTH? Checking up on me? Jekyll & Hyde. Or rather, his typical Gemini dual-personality behavior.
So, the girls & I went to the fireworks. They all had a good time - even D1.5. She kept going "1, 2, 3 - look!" Pointing to the fireworks. She was cute and I'm glad I decided to take them all. It didn't turn out so bad - they were all very well behaved and had fun.
We got home, I had D7 call SO while I made myself busy putting the other two to bed. He didn't speak with me.
Today it's back to "What am I going to do?" I have to call my mother and let her know if I want her to come up for a couple of days. I'll probably tell her yes. If at the very least, I really need to do some in-depth organizing (& cleaning) of the house. Time to throw some old crap away, do some of the things I've had to put off because I can't do it with the 2 littles ones running around. Make some job-related phone calls. Update the resume again.
Don't know what else to do besides take it one day at a time until I find my own answers. I'm going cautiously because of the kids. If it were just me, I'd probably give him exactly what he wants. Exit stage left. With the kids, I have to think of them. What's best for them, as well as myself. In my relations with SO, I plan on staying out of his way and not give him any reason to look at me negatively.
That's me - b!tching up a storm!!!!! SO called - I answered instead of having D7 answer because she was upstairs with her door closed and didn't hear me calling. He asked what I was doing "Making breakfast". He said "It looks like I'm getting out tomorrow" I said "Oh?" He said "Yeah, I'll have to go in next week for the colonoscopy" I said "Oh?" He asked, "How's the kids? Where's D7?" I said "They're good, she's upstairs, I'll get her for you". Handed the phone off to D7. They spoke and he hung up without speaking with me again.
Next, I call my mom to discuss her coming up. I'm in turmoil because I have no idea what SO plans to do. Be an ass towards me, come here, go to his apartment - I have no clue. But, I'm thinking to myself, I'll have her come today, tomorrow & Friday - this will enable me to get most of the things done that I can't do without help. NOW she tells me she can't come until Friday after 12 PM. WTF? Why didn't she tell me this 2 days ago? So now that idea is shot right to hell.
This is exactly why I NEVER, EVER, EVER ask anyone for help of any kind. Because they say yes - then they say no, or it's conditional. Screw it. I've had this happen so many times in the past, I just don't ask anyone anymore for help. Because I'll ask, then I don't get it. So why bother in the 1st place?
Back to figuring it all out on my own. Vent, vent. Rant, rant. Sorry. Unless someone out there needs a mini-vacation and wants to come stay here for a few days!!
Do I smell? I was expecting all of you to jump at my offer to come help me out!! LOL - JK.
SO is supposed to be released from the hospital today. Our R is so badly disintegrated, I didn't offer any help; he hasn't asked for any. That's sad. 10 years together and I have nothing to do with this. Oh well. He's going to his apartment; then asked if he could come here tomorrow to see the kids.
He sent me some emails yesterday and this morning - kind of like completely ignoring his rampage at me and trying to make nice-nice. Well, I've decided this dance will not go on the way it has in the past. We would argue, one of us then tries to smooth it over and pretend it never happened. I can't pretend this didn't happen. Not this time. He's opened my eyes to some things that I just can't ignore. Plus, I'm way too dependent on him (financially). It really is time for things to change. Time for me to get my crap together and do what I have to do to become as separate from him as he thinks he wants, but mostly for MY self-esteem. I'm going to put his emails & my answers - just for feedback if anyone thinks I could have answered differently: (Remember, he's doing this via text on his phone) and I didn't speak/email him all day.
Him:5:15 PM Is everything ok there today? Me: 5:24 PM Yes, everything is OK. Hope all is well with you.
Him: 5:31 PM - What will happen in the future, NM? Life cant go on way it has for the last 2 years. I will die much to young if it does. You are the smart one here and i need you to come up with some thing Me: 5:44 PM - I agree things need to change. I've caused enough problems for you & I don't want to contribute to any more. I will come up with something.
Him: 7:00 PM - Now they put another guy in my room:( dont take my last email the wrong way. Some things have to be changed or i wont ever be healthy again Me: 7:20 I agree this needs to change and will do whatever I must to make it easier for you and better for the kids.
Him:8:00 PM Subject line was - What is your idea for what will be the right thing for you, kids, and me? I need your thoughts Me: 8:30 - Whatever I need to do that will relieve some of your burdens as well as not be the cause of any further undo stress towards you from me in any way.
Him: 10:00 PM - Turn on the history channel at 10 Me: No response
Him - 8:10 AM - HI! Whats new,NM? i will be released later this evening. I really wanted to try out the camper w the kids but that got ruined like everything else i try to do. Im busy all weekend now. I have no money Me:8:30 AM - I'll bet you're glad to be getting out of there. There will be other weekends w/the kids in the camper. Take care of yourself. No response as of yet.
Today it's mow the lawn (4 hour project); try and clean some of the gutters without falling off the ladder and killing myself. Tonight, finish printing resume & cover letters with the hope that when he's here tomorrow I can get out and drop them off.
One day at a time.
PS - BTW, GH, RB, and others - you guys have some incredible posts to Emily. It amazes me every time I read things like this how so many "Strangers" can help each other in times of need. Bravo to you guys - you're awesome!
Credit where credit's due...RB, Amy and Frank have done the leg work on this one. I am just there to steer the ship a bit but thanks NM, I too have my spirit raised by those posts.
GH
P.S. Oh, and you sound really good all things considered.
NM - Maybe I'm wrong, but I think H's texts are practically screaming for you to tell him that he needs to come home and be a family again. He's so confused, he can't figure out what to do, and he's asking you. You need to tell him, give him a positive image of the future the two of you could have together. (Also, how much better off you'd both be financially if you lived together and both worked - it'll bemuch easier than you trying to work as a single mom).
I will second what KML said a bit. I used to get all worked up because when I thought about talking to my W about our future together, I would feel guilty about thinking it would be filled with joy. Somehow my guilt translated into my vision getting dark and not communicated to her very well. It was almost like I never gave my W credit for being able to see ANY good between us in the future.
It was the venerable OT who set me straight on that one. She asked me why I felt guilty for having a positive vision for "us"? Why couldn't I present this vision as a thing to be desired by BOTH of us, not something to be rejected by her.
KML is saying the same thing to you. Why not just accept that you have a positive vision, where you two DO work things out and things DO get better, then share that vision with him. Maybe he needs to hear that from you right now.
- What is your idea for what will be the right thing for you, kids, and me? I need your thoughts