SO is still in the hospital. Yesterday morning when he called he said he has no idea when he's getting out - could be in a week, could be a month. His white blood count is still high; he's got Diverticulitis; and perhaps Crohn's disease. If not that, then definitely some other GI problem that they need to determine.
After telling me this, he then jumped all over me that he's going to lose everything he's worked so hard for - house, cars, etc. Then he texted me that "I need to make a plan" and suggested that I move out. He called again and it escalated into a nasty argument. I know he's upset and frustrated and scared, but he is taking everything out on me. Blames me for everything - from his stress levels, to the fact he's got to work so much (because all I do is stay home with the kids); to his failed R with OW - everything - he pretty much blames it all on me and the fact that he has to provide for me & the kids for the rest of his life. Very hurtful stuff.
Upon hearing this, my fiery temper flared up and I got angry. Sorry, I could not validate anything he was saying. I was just as upset as he was, in the back of my mind I'm thinking he's going to lose his job over this and that had me sick with worry. Between our calls, I actually was crying my eyes out; making phone calls, trying to get plans made to get back to work, asked my mother to come stay here for a bit so I didn't have to put the kids in daycare right away - when I told him this, he freaked. Why am I going to work here (in this area) - what exactly can I do to help him; my paycheck won't cover all the bills, etc. I suggested he get rid of his apartment so that would save $800+ a month - his response - "I have to keep my apartment because I can't live in my own damn house that I bust my as$ for". Saying to me that he because "I" live here, he can't.
It escalated from there, with me saying that I was tired of being to blame for everything and I would move out if that was what he wanted. Somehow the status of *us* came into play and he pretty much said he doesn't want to have anything to do with me and has no interest in being with me in an R.
I have no idea what to do. My choices - stay here and find work. Or, move the kids back to where my family are. If I move back - well, quite frankly there is no money - I can't move. Can't rent a place without money. No one has anything big enough for me & 3 kids to stay in for a while. So, I'm pretty screwed there. My sisters in-laws have a small apartment in their house, but I'm hesitant to make the call. Like - once I make that call, there's no going back. Living there (if they even agreed) is filled with all sorts of pitfalls as well - too many to get into right now. In short - that option is a last resort.
Staying here - well then I have to face his anger and contempt. Something I can't fight against. If he blames me for everything, I think remaining here would just fuel his anger. Even if his anger is misdirected; he feels like most of this is my fault. Arguing with him about it only makes it worse. And my pride won't allow me to say "OK, SO, it's all my fault." He doesn't want to accept any responsibility for anything - just wants to find someone else to blame. I can't compete with that. With his way of thinking. With his feelings that me & the kids are the cause for all his problems and stress.
I haven't been to see him. Nor will I. At this point, OT's story about the annoying co-worker really comes to my mind. I'm not about to force myself into his life if that's not what he wants. Our argument ended with me telling him to leave me alone. Not to call or contact me in any way.
I feel so lost. I think about what I would do if he were dead, and the fact is, I wouldn't remain living here. If we were still living in the town where we used to, yes, I would stay there. But not here. There's nothing here for me. So, what do I do? Move 2 hours away - if I do that, I have to close my heart to him. Write it off as a failure, lesson learned. In addition to what could be viewed by him as abandoning him at his lowest. Or, do I remain here, getting a job, starting a life for myself? Yet that would be ignoring his seeming desire to be rid of me and risking his contempt and hate? Neither one of these options is very appealing to me and I just don't know what to do.
I know no one can give me the answer. I have to figure it out on my own.
