I knew you would pull out of your funk. Good for you in doing what you needed to do!
I had a rather lengthy commentary on his need to be "coddled" but I deleted it. Suffice to say I am confused about this too, and whether it is something to just be done if you have a new R with him, or something to be looked at as a character flaw? I dunno. I struggle with the same kinds of issues with W.
My posting has been intermittent for a couple of reasons - well, mostly one that's really bothering me. I'm starting to *not care*. I mean, I just don't care anymore and it's kind of scary. It's something that's been in the back of my mind for a while now. I haven't been to see SO in the hospital, and I probably won't either. I just don't feel like spending the energy to find a sitter, then drive for hours, not sure if even wants me there.
I don't care if I hear from him or not. I just don't think I care about any of it anymore. I mean, I care about him and what happens to him, and I love him still, yet there's this big feeling up giving up inside me. It scares me. And I don't know what to do. I actually feel like telling him that's it, yeah - even while he's in the hospital. I feel like telling him to go fly the proverbial kite and just....well, just leave me alone.
I think this goes beyond the meaning of detachment. While I grasped that concept, I don't think I ever really got the hang of it. And it's going to be my downfall, I think. I know - I know, I've read & heard the definition of detachment. I think I've detached too far.
I'm just so tired of this crap. He ended things with me to be able to see OW in public without talk about his, ahem, character. So no one would think badly of him. Yet, in no way, shape, or form, have we been "exes". The things we do, the R that we DO have, is not one of an "ex" type scenario. I think about other R's I've had in the past - for pete's sake - some of the guys I was with, they (we) never had this much contact even when we were involved at the highest "in lust" stage. Does that make sense?
Since OT is not here to remind you (or is she, lol) I will do my best. You have always been SO good at setting personal boundaries and then enforcing them. What I see here is not so much giving up as that you are no longer willing to "play house" with this man who is unwilling, unable, or otherwise incapable of committing to you and a monogamous relationship with you.
Is it really his actions or your lack of patience that is getting the best of you? Maybe both I suspect.
I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over this. You are tired and you have learned to listen to yourself and how you feel.
Quote: I think this goes beyond the meaning of detachment. While I grasped that concept, I don't think I ever really got the hang of it. And it's going to be my downfall, I think. I know - I know, I've read & heard the definition of detachment. I think I've detached too far.
I don't know if you've detached too far. I think you have come to a point where you are at a crossroads. Remember, we LBS tell each other ALL THE TIME that when one partner wants to end things, or THINKS they do, that all hope is not lost. Just because it's now YOU that may be the one wanting it to be over does not necessarily mean it will be. The point is that you WILL do what you want, I've seen that over these several months, and I have no doubt that whatever you do, it will illicit some response from SO. At some point, beyond DB, beyond any plan to save a marriage, or a relationship I think one partner either pulls WAY ahead or falls WAY behind and it's at that point that people feel overwhelmed by what it may take to repair things.
Give yourself time. You may change your mind or you may not. I think you just need to take a break, as I think you have been doing, and see where things go. If nothing else, you DO have a strong sense of who you are now and that is invaluable.
SO is still in the hospital. Yesterday morning when he called he said he has no idea when he's getting out - could be in a week, could be a month. His white blood count is still high; he's got Diverticulitis; and perhaps Crohn's disease. If not that, then definitely some other GI problem that they need to determine.
After telling me this, he then jumped all over me that he's going to lose everything he's worked so hard for - house, cars, etc. Then he texted me that "I need to make a plan" and suggested that I move out. He called again and it escalated into a nasty argument. I know he's upset and frustrated and scared, but he is taking everything out on me. Blames me for everything - from his stress levels, to the fact he's got to work so much (because all I do is stay home with the kids); to his failed R with OW - everything - he pretty much blames it all on me and the fact that he has to provide for me & the kids for the rest of his life. Very hurtful stuff.
Upon hearing this, my fiery temper flared up and I got angry. Sorry, I could not validate anything he was saying. I was just as upset as he was, in the back of my mind I'm thinking he's going to lose his job over this and that had me sick with worry. Between our calls, I actually was crying my eyes out; making phone calls, trying to get plans made to get back to work, asked my mother to come stay here for a bit so I didn't have to put the kids in daycare right away - when I told him this, he freaked. Why am I going to work here (in this area) - what exactly can I do to help him; my paycheck won't cover all the bills, etc. I suggested he get rid of his apartment so that would save $800+ a month - his response - "I have to keep my apartment because I can't live in my own damn house that I bust my as$ for". Saying to me that he because "I" live here, he can't.
It escalated from there, with me saying that I was tired of being to blame for everything and I would move out if that was what he wanted. Somehow the status of *us* came into play and he pretty much said he doesn't want to have anything to do with me and has no interest in being with me in an R.
I have no idea what to do. My choices - stay here and find work. Or, move the kids back to where my family are. If I move back - well, quite frankly there is no money - I can't move. Can't rent a place without money. No one has anything big enough for me & 3 kids to stay in for a while. So, I'm pretty screwed there. My sisters in-laws have a small apartment in their house, but I'm hesitant to make the call. Like - once I make that call, there's no going back. Living there (if they even agreed) is filled with all sorts of pitfalls as well - too many to get into right now. In short - that option is a last resort.
Staying here - well then I have to face his anger and contempt. Something I can't fight against. If he blames me for everything, I think remaining here would just fuel his anger. Even if his anger is misdirected; he feels like most of this is my fault. Arguing with him about it only makes it worse. And my pride won't allow me to say "OK, SO, it's all my fault." He doesn't want to accept any responsibility for anything - just wants to find someone else to blame. I can't compete with that. With his way of thinking. With his feelings that me & the kids are the cause for all his problems and stress.
I haven't been to see him. Nor will I. At this point, OT's story about the annoying co-worker really comes to my mind. I'm not about to force myself into his life if that's not what he wants. Our argument ended with me telling him to leave me alone. Not to call or contact me in any way.
I feel so lost. I think about what I would do if he were dead, and the fact is, I wouldn't remain living here. If we were still living in the town where we used to, yes, I would stay there. But not here. There's nothing here for me. So, what do I do? Move 2 hours away - if I do that, I have to close my heart to him. Write it off as a failure, lesson learned. In addition to what could be viewed by him as abandoning him at his lowest. Or, do I remain here, getting a job, starting a life for myself? Yet that would be ignoring his seeming desire to be rid of me and risking his contempt and hate? Neither one of these options is very appealing to me and I just don't know what to do.
I know no one can give me the answer. I have to figure it out on my own.
OH NM, I am so sorry for the weekend you have had. Does SO have short term disability insurance at his job? I pray the sitch is not as bleek as he makes it out to be.
You'll be in my prayers today (as usual).
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
In your last paragraph you stated two options you had. Do you realize that one of those options was your choice and the other is you giving in to his choice? I think you need to GAL and make the choice that is best for you and your kids. His anger and blaming you is him. It is not you, he just can't see that. No matter how hard it is you need to let him have his opinion and not buy into the blame game he is playing. You don't have to argue, or admit he is right or wrong. Just accept that his opinion or thoughts are exactly that, HIS!
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Sorry, this sucks. First, I agree a bit with stevie. You don't HAVE to even participate in the conversation where he blames you for everything. IF you are going to "close your heart" to him when you move 2 hours away, what about doing it while still living there. If he chooses to just yell at you constantly, then let him. I somehow doubt that will happen. If you two are truly "over" to him, then why does he care so much? So he now has 4 roomates, 3 of which are his kids and the last, a woman he was once dating. Gee, does that put a damper on his dating life?
Ok, sorry for the sarcasm. I am angry too, for you. I think you do have some wiggle room here. Make sure you look at it from all angles before deciding the number available, or the description of your options.
I don't think there's anymore wiggle room - not after receiving this:
"I dont know. I have seen you cry. Heard you yell. Call the police. Moan about my actions. All for the last time..for the sake of my kids and for the sake of my health you need to get a job and move into a place on your own. If you refuse, or become difficult, i will die."
I can't fight this anymore. Time is up. He wants me gone. Blames me for everything, including his health.
NM - Never mind the R, he has an obligation to keep a roof over the head of his children. Although of course you would never do this, how would he manage if YOU ran off and left him to deal with the three kids, childcare, etc.????
Before you do ANYTHING, go see a lawyer, okay? If H isn't going to be bringing in much money in the near future, it might be that continuing to live in the house is the only financial support you will get.
Also, remember that he's sick, probably on pain meds, and may not be completely in his right mind right now. So I would take anything he says right now with a grain of salt.
