My posting has been intermittent for a couple of reasons - well, mostly one that's really bothering me. I'm starting to *not care*. I mean, I just don't care anymore and it's kind of scary. It's something that's been in the back of my mind for a while now. I haven't been to see SO in the hospital, and I probably won't either. I just don't feel like spending the energy to find a sitter, then drive for hours, not sure if even wants me there.
I don't care if I hear from him or not. I just don't think I care about any of it anymore. I mean, I care about him and what happens to him, and I love him still, yet there's this big feeling up giving up inside me. It scares me. And I don't know what to do. I actually feel like telling him that's it, yeah - even while he's in the hospital. I feel like telling him to go fly the proverbial kite and just....well, just leave me alone.
I think this goes beyond the meaning of detachment. While I grasped that concept, I don't think I ever really got the hang of it. And it's going to be my downfall, I think. I know - I know, I've read & heard the definition of detachment. I think I've detached too far.
I'm just so tired of this crap. He ended things with me to be able to see OW in public without talk about his, ahem, character. So no one would think badly of him. Yet, in no way, shape, or form, have we been "exes". The things we do, the R that we DO have, is not one of an "ex" type scenario. I think about other R's I've had in the past - for pete's sake - some of the guys I was with, they (we) never had this much contact even when we were involved at the highest "in lust" stage. Does that make sense?
