Haven't posted anything as there isn't anything to post! SO did show up here yesterday unannounced around noon, with lunch. I was so uncomfortable with him. Had no idea what to say, do, anything. He told me he was planning on going back on the air on Friday. It didn't appear as though he had any plans to "stay" here for the rest of the week. Not saying that because I'm upset or anything, just noting that he decided on something else after telling me otherwise. I haven't said one word about any of that....him staying here this week or anything about "moving" back in. I just don't feel ready to go there yet. In regard to yesterdays convo's here on GH's thread - I don't think I'm being passive, lol - just waiting for him to bring it up, while in the meantime, thinking about what I want to say.
Later in the afternoon he announced he "has to leave by 6:30". This PO'd me a little, like he's got something more important to do or whatever. I mean that's fine and all, but I needed a break. Told him I had some things to do and I would go out after dinner and be back at 6:30 in time for him to leave. He started questioning me, I remained steadfast in my attempt to stay neutral and elusive. He suggested I go out and come back before dinner - like he thought I was meeting someone at a certain time or something. I said No, I'd go after dinner. It was after 5 when we were eating, kids were being very difficult, I couldn't take anymore. Looked at the clock and said "I'm going to go now, I'll be back later."
When I got back, I started to get things ready for the kids baths. He wasted no time (as it appeared to me) in high tailing it out of here, which further fueled a little of my anger. He came to say goodbye, I was running the bath and my back was to the door and him, he tilted my head backwards and gave me a kiss on the forehead. Yes, I was a little short and rude with him - and he commented on it.
I was running between dual baths - D3 in one; D7 in the other shower when he came back upstairs and said he decided to take his pick up instead of his car. I was so distracted, I didn't say anything. He said "Do you care?" I said, "No, not really - it's your truck, what do I have to do with it." No effective communication going on anywhere with me today.
Around 8, the phone rings and it's him. Said he wasn't even to his apartment yet, was in Town X, had a problem with the calliper getting hung up on the truck. And, as you have to cross a mountain range to get to the town he lives in, he stopped for a while to let the brakes cool down before he went further down the slope, lol. We talked a little about him bringing the truck back to the place he bought it - something simple needs to be done that he can do, I suggested he let them know about it so either they can fix it or compensate him for what needs to be done. This only the 2nd time the truck's been driven. He drove it home and now this. They can check the mileage to see it hasn't been driven. He agreed.
Then he asked why I was so cold to him. I said that I was uncomfortable with him for some reason. I said "SO, sometimes I just don't know what to do when you're standing here in front of me. I don't know what you want, I don't what's going on and sometimes I'm plain old nervous around you." He seemed surprised by that. I went on to say that sometimes I'm not sure why he's here. To see the kids, me, or to take care of his business (i.e., work on truck, etc.). He said it was a little of everything - he tries to squeeze everything in in the short amount of time he has. He did say there was no reason for me to be so secretive about what I was doing and where I was going. (He was trying to get me to tell him where I had gone earlier.) It seemed he was implying how secrecy wasn't a good thing between us - no sarcastic remarks from me. I did apologize for being rude to him.
We talked a bit more and he said he was coming out today, that he wasn't doing the bar remote tonight. Said he had another bar remote at the place up the road from here Saturday night that he was going to do. If you all remember...this is the place in our town and he's come here after those remotes on both occasions - they fell on the Saturday nights before Easter & Mother's Day. No holiday this weekend - I'm not asking or offering anything.
I don't know. I don't know why I can handle the phone calls fine; emails - yet when he's here I'm different. I guess it's because of the great unknown. Every time I want to say something, I realize it could be misinterpreted by him; realize my wording may imply something different than what I'm trying to say. It makes me nervous. And I know it's not good to be that way.
A couple of times he has said things - almost like he's on the verge of saying something about "us" - things that have made my eyebrows go up - but he stops. Or appears to alter what he was going to say. I haven't posted any of it because I'm not sure what it means...or if I'm wrong. Some of it I don't entirely remember either, just know that whatever it was he was saying made me do an internal double-take.
Well, I guess if I've made it this far, I can go a little further through these times of confusion. I have to remember that this has to be on HIS timetable and not push.
