Well, went to see SO. Thanks Ellie, for giving me the kick to just do it! Otherwise I probably would not have gone as I had mentioned something to him and he said not to come. And you too, OT, becasue I think I paraphrased some of your words during the visit as well.
As it turned out, when I got there, I was extremely nervous..he had called and I told him his mom was on the way here so I could come visit, he said not to and that he'd call me back shortly. I never got a call before I left, so I just left..figured if he called, his mom would tell him and/or he'd call my cell. I didn't hear anything by the time I got to the hospital so I was frantic about just waltzing in unannounced...for various reasons.
I went to the help desk because I didn't even have his room number..then asked if we could call up first (my idea to give him some kind of warning)....When he answered I told him I was downstairs...he got really mad, said I told you I didn't want to see anyone, I'm not ready to see anyone...a little more - then "You can't come up." I was trying to fight back my tears and just said "OK then" and hung up...made some excuse about having to go back to my car to the help desk people...and high-tailed my rear to the car before the dam burst.
Once I got to the car, "Knowing" him how I do, I figured, OK, I'll have a smoke, think of a quick note I could write him and put it in the bag with the car magazines I brought for him, then bring the bag in for the volunteers to bring up to him and leave if he hasn't called me by then. So I smoked, worked on the wording for a note and he called. (Smirk). He asked Why did you come here? I said because I needed to....I said I'm sorry, it seemed like the right thing for me to do. He said "If I knew you were coming I needed some things"...I said what do you need? Do you want me to go you some things? He said No. OK, you can come up for a while...I wish you wouldn't have driven all this way. I said OK.
I got up there and he kept asking Why I came...I told him I was worried....that I felt it was the right thing to do...I needed to make sure he was OK. He said he hadn't wanted anyone to see him like this (which was him in a hospital gown, hooked to an IV), I told him I know he didn't feel comfortable with anyone seeing him like this...then I tried to lighten things up by saying HE saw ME with another mans hands between my legs (i.e. childbirth! all you gutter minds!)...it lightened things up...He kept drifting in & out of sleep, saying that was why he didn't want me here, he couldn't get comfortable sleeping knowing someone was here watching him, but that I could stay if I wanted. I said OK...he told me to look and see if I could find his chart so I could read it...not there, darned nurses must take it back to the station!
A doctor came in while I was there, actually a surgeon, asking him questions. Basically, it seems it's diverticulitis and the surgeon didn't believe surgery was necessary yet, they were treating it with antibiotics for now. It does appear he'll be there for 1-2 days.
In the end, I'm glad I went. Even with the little snafu at the beginning. 180's going on there, too. In the past, I probably would have gotten into a big fight with him about not being allowed up...but, I think I handled it real well. I told him I was very worried about him....it almost seems as if he doesn't believe anyone should or could be worried about him - especially me, that's the impression I got. Then, when I stayed "soft", he softened up too, even going so far as to tell me to stay while he slept. I stayed for a short bit more, then he starting bugging the nurses for another pain shot, so I figured I'd better go...kissed him on the forehead and thanked him for letting me see him...funny, it never came up about the 10 minute interval between him telling me not to come to his room, then calling me, and me obviously sitting in the parking lot waiting for his call.
And he just called here, said he woke up to go the bathroom and wanted to call, thanked me for coming to see him. I told him I was sorry for how I did it, but appreciated him letting me come up because now I was reassured that he was actually "OK" - for as OK as he can be. I said that he sounds so horrible on the phone and I was so worried. He thanked me again...I told him to call whenever he needed. Said he was going back to sleep.
So that's it for today. And now that I stopped for Dunkin Donuts on the way home, I'll probably be on a damned caffeine high all night, but very glad I made the decision to go see him.
Damn...right now I'm just so frustrated...I feel so powerless. SO's condition doesn't seem to have changed....the antibiotics certainly seem to be taking their time lowering his white blood count. They can't do the colonoscopy / endoscope until it's lower. He says he's still got the same pain from 3 days ago...
Additionally, I can't find anyone to sit with the girls for me to even be able to run over to see him. I hate that. I keep thinking how OW is 15 minutes from the hospital, able to go whenever and I'm here, over an hour away, with the 3 kids....that bothers me to no end.
On top of it, I'm running very low on cash. Yes, we live paycheck to paycheck, with him usually giving me the cash he gets from the bar remotes and his bi-monthly paychecks get deposited in the bank for bills. I don't know what to do.
I'm very frustrated and feel very inadequate for some reason. The kids are making me nuts, they're tired of being in the house because it's been raining for 4 days; they keep asking for their Daddy...I did tell them, but only D7 comprehends that he's in the hospital...the 2 little one's don't understand... they simply don't see Daddy and want him. I'm finding myself very short-tempered with them.
Mini-vent. Sorry. Doesn't even sum up all that's in my head right now. Sorry if it sounds like I'm whining. I feel kind of stupid complaining when there's worse things going on out there.
This is a tough time for many reasons. You can vent here any time and you know we'll hear you and support you. Please, take care and keep doing what YOU think is right.
NM, I don't know what to say other than offer you a hug. All that comes to mind is that "the Lord works all things for our good", so at some point we may understand the reasons for what we are all going through... or not
This is Sarasic, btw. I had a scare and changed my name.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
SO's back to acting like a pompous ass, so he must be feeling better. Yesterday his mom called after I posted and asked if I wanted her to sit with the kids while I went to see SO. I told her OK. When I spoke with SO and told him I was thinking about bringing D7 over for a visit, he ended up saying "Well, I don't know who's going to be here, so I don't want any trouble and I don't want you to get pissed." I lost it. Stupid spat ensued. I said "What are you telling me?" He said "I'm just telling you I can't control who comes here and I don't want any crap." I said, "Well you know I don't care who's there with the exception of one person. And if you can't make one phone call to tell her not to be there so you can have a visit with me and your daughter, then I won't even come there at all." I was so hurt. I couldn't believe it - he never actually said OW, I did. Bad, NM. But that was the impression I got.
His mom wasn't getting here until around 2, so a couple hours went by and he called right as we were getting ready to leave...He said "I thought you were coming out." I said we're leaving now although if it wasn't for me already telling D7 we were going to visit, I wouldn't come." Bad, again. He did say he wanted us to come out.
When we got there, it was more sarcasm from him...to the point where I actually said I was leaving the room and would be back in a while and left D& there with him while I went outside. I couldn't deal with it. He kept needling me - "Want to see who this cards from?" Want to see what's in my closet? I only came here to get money... On & On. It was horrible.
After an hour I got D7 and we left. I wasn't going to deal with it anymore...as I was leaving, he made another remark and I almost starting crying - telling him I didn't belong there and we were going - I knew he could see I was holding it back. I told him he hurt me very badly with the things he was saying, and we left.
Later on he called, asking why we were arguing and why I said I didn't belong there. I said that he made it seem that his fans and OW were more important and that we were intruding. I told him that it wasn't easy making arrangements to get to see him - that we didn't live 15 minutes away, it wasn't like I could just pop in anytime. I told him I didn't go there for money, he wasn't my cash cow and that saying that was the only reason I was there was hurtful. He said OW hadn't been there the whole time he's been in and not to worry about that. Then,some more talka and then somehow he blurts "I'm going to have no choice but to move back in when I get out of here." I said nothing. I wasn't going *there* after the horrible day already.
He called again around 11 PM...pretty late, I thought. Saying he was in pain again...we talked a little, that perhaps he overdid it today. He agreed. He said they were going to run another CT scan today...
Overall, it was a horrible day. I'm sure there was a way I could have turned things around, I just was a little numb and hurt by the hurtful stuff he was saying. I just felt like saying if that's his attitude, I'm not going to waste HOURS of my time, and money for gas on him. Screw it. That was just my mood. Although, I must say, I didn't fall into the same trap. I didn't throw hurtful remarks back at him- I think he may have been testing me? Perhaps taking things out on me because he was frustrated himself? I don't know, but I didn't fall back to that game. Simply told him I thought he was being mean and hurtful and it was uncalled for. Perhaps not the best way to handle it, but better being straightforward than being sarcastic back - different way than I have in the past and I do think it made him realize both of us were being stupid. Oh well. I'm not dwelling on it.
Sorry about the rough day, though I'm glad to hear that OW wasn't on the scene.
Re the evil nasty version of SO... If he is on pain pills, they could be making him very, very mean.
Hang in there. I think you are right that it was definitely a step forward to call him on being mean and hurtful rather than falling into the old cycle.
After thinking about it, since the apparent split with OW, he's "tested" me on more than one occasion - I remember he did it at Mothers Day, as well. Even admitted "He wanted to see what I would do" after I called him on it.
I also know he's frustrated. This is a man who's always on the go - being tied to a hospital bed has to be getting to him. Plus the unexpected people dropping in. When I got there yesterday, he had had the nurses put signs up on his door "No visitors allowed" and "Stop at nurses station before entering". Of course, people close to him, like me, lol, ignore the signs and just go in. And, his phone never stops ringing (with no caller ID!). It's got to be frustrating for him, and I know that, but jeez, don't take it out on me just because you CAN.
And, it's funny, even through the argument on the phone before I got there, he still gave me the impression he wanted us to be there. I almost have to wonder if he was hoping I would be there and OW would show up - kind of a reverse thing. To piss her off, not me. It makes me wonder. But, whatever - it didn't happen and I'm very thankful for that.
I know it's up to me to keep taking the high road and not let this crap get to me, I guess I was feeling the stress, too. He really fails to see any side but his own. I try to see things from his POV, and I sometimes wish he would do the same thing. I know, I shouldn't expect that, lol, yet it would be nice. I know this an extreme circumstance, him being the hospital, but I didn't put him there. It's his own damned fault he hasn't taken care of his health issues.
Sorry - I'm venting again. But it kind of helps to say the things I'd love to say to him! I can trick my mind into thinking I've said them *out loud* and sometimes it helps make those thoughts go away.
Allright...SO was released from the hospital last night. Without anymore tests run, doctors told him he needs to go to GI Specialist. Like he didn't know that already. No comment from me, I'm not his mother. Anyway, he went to his apartment last night. Haven't heard from him yet today. When I spoke with him last night, he said that he was coming here for the week...he's not going back to work until next week and needs to "relax".
This had me thinking hard about things. I think I've come to the decision that we're going to have to have "A TALK". Yikes. I've pretty much determined that I cannot go through all this again. No way. If he's only moving back here for money issues, well, I have to go. My sisters in-laws have a 2 bedroom apartment that I'm sure I could stay at temporarily. Of course, that's 2 hours from here. I just don't feel that I'm strong enough to go through anymore of this heartache. It was the whole reason why I asked him to move out to begin with. Having him move back in that capacity would just not work for me. Maybe this is just more of me running away, but I don't know. I don't expect much, I just want to either agree to work on things or finally end it once and for all. Am I wrong?
I'm scared of this talk. Not of *what* we'll be discussing, but more how we both handle it. Our communication is very, very lacking, as you all know. It's funny how thinking back over some of the things we've talked about - yesterday he apologized for yelling at me in the hospital and we talked about how it blew out of proportion - and I see myself struggling to change our interactions. I'm changing, yet he's not. Or, I'm changing and he's still expecting the same old NM. And him being the same old SO sometimes causes me to fall back into that trap. I hate that.
I'm actually thinking about writing cliff notes...to help me get thru this. Probably not a bad idea considering how bad I am at talking and not being able to stop straying from the original subject. At least I recognize my problem - now to fix it!
I'm finding myself very short-tempered with them. 
Yesterday his mom called after I posted and asked if I wanted her to sit with the kids while I went to see SO. I told her OK. When I spoke with SO and told him I was thinking about bringing D7 over for a visit, he ended up saying "Well, I don't know who's going to be here, so I don't want any trouble and I don't want you to get pissed." I lost it. Stupid spat ensued. I said "What are you telling me?" He said "I'm just telling you I can't control who comes here and I don't want any crap." I said, "Well you know I don't care who's there with the exception of one person. And if you can't make one phone call to tell her not to be there so you can have a visit with me and your daughter, then I won't even come there at all." I was so hurt. I couldn't believe it - he never actually said OW, I did. Bad, NM. But that was the impression I got. 
I've pretty much determined that I cannot go through all this again. No way. If he's only moving back here for money issues, well, I have to go. My sisters in-laws have a 2 bedroom apartment that I'm sure I could stay at temporarily. Of course, that's 2 hours from here. I just don't feel that I'm strong enough to go through anymore of this heartache. It was the whole reason why I asked him to move out to begin with. Having him move back in that capacity would just not work for me. Maybe this is just more of me running away, but I don't know. I don't expect much, I just want to either agree to work on things or finally end it once and for all. Am I wrong?