Before you posted this, I tried to think of your advice as applied to my sitch and I got this;
I need to sit my W down and tell her that if she wants to continue to sleep in our bed, and share she same house with me, she needs to committ to a R with me that satisfies my needs and is what I want. Unless she does this NOW, and I see real signs of her sticking to it, I will ask her to move out, or I will.
That sounds extreme, but again, before you kinda clarified, I didn't think so. Now I get more of what you are saying but still think your original post came off as you saying that unless he agreed 100% with NM's terms, then no deal. In my particular sitch, and maybe her's too, that is not in keeping with the "DB" stance. I KNOW where you are comming from, i.e. making sure that a good foundation of open communication is established between NM and SO before he gets to come back but I wonder if he is capable of that right now. I know SHE should be and in that case, should use that power to indeed communicate her desire for something more to him. As for boundaries, as you said, that's something SHE will need to establish for herself, I guess we just disagree on exactly where those should be but ahhhh, what do we know, NM, this is up to YOU to decide.
I think I meant to say more of what you did in terms of her setting up boundaries and such, but I just feel that in her specific sitch, with all that has gone on recently, that she could let him come back and begin the process without some of the "agreements" that you suggest. I could be VERY wrong.
