Ok, you are heading to a place I am VERY familiar with so let me share what I know and what I feel, the good, bad and ugly.
You know most of this, but my W says the A is over, has been over for some time now. Great! The only problem is that I see NO signs of affection from her. I see NO signs, well ALMOST no signs that she is actively working on "us" in any way. She seems at best to be tolerating my physical attention. In a way, I hate this sitch but in another way, I understand it, or at least I think I do.
My W has told me that she needs time to work her way back. I don't really know what that means but I can feel that she is right. In her mind, and she's said this, she feels like she had one foot out the door and the other one well on it's way when things started to change for the better with me. Mix that idea with all the OM stuff and she has a real $hit storm of bad vibes to deal with in terms of reconciling "us" in her mind. To her, and SO, there was no "us" a couple months ago yet they sense that we just want to go right back to some from of "us" that is even deeper and more connected than ever.
Of course we want that. WE never left the "us" behind and though we now understand that there needs to be fundamental changes in the definition of what the R is, we don't really need much transition time to work on it. We have been working all along so for us, it's "go time".
The A is over, they are "back" so WTH, why no affection? Why no ILY? Why no intimacy?
Well, it's simple, they are not ready for all that. What they ARE ready for is to not have the OP in their lives and to "come back" but they are not ready for all the deep connection WE need from them right now. That's not to say they will never be ready, or that you can't let them know what you want for the future of your R, but expecting them to just jump right back in is not really realistic.
I know you don't want the kind of R with SO you had before. I don't want the same marriage I had with my W either, but right now it sure feels that way. What I cling to all the time in my sitch is the idea that if things don't go better this time around, it will probably be ME that decides that and has to break things off. I can do that now, or wait and see what happens. I didn't fight all this time to give up now just because I can't really see progress on a daily basis, and if I really look at my sitch, and you look at yours, we both should see how much real progress we have made and take some happiness from that.
NM, don't cut your nose off to spite your face. I know you are really scared that this is for the "wrong" reason, and you have every right to be afraid. You also have the right to set a boundary that he can't come back until he is ready to go "all in" but I think that may prevent a necessary step, or at least one that lives in his mind, of learning to co-exist on a daily basis before taking things up to the next level.
As for him not having a commitment to you, well, my W has committed in words to "us" but not really saying "I want to be with you forever and make this work." She has said all kinds of things LIKE that, but never really that to the point. I don't sweat it because I know every day I grow and work on this is another day I am closer to being truly happy with myself AND my marriage. I really believe that.
Last thing I will leave you with is that the book OT has me reading, and that Mama just read, may do you some good. It's called Passionate Marriage and it deals with the idea of learning to be your own person in close emotional proximity with your partner. It goes into a lot of more sexual things, but I think that is the gist. I think this may help you because I think you are struggling with the idea that if he moves back in, you lose some of yourself in the process, or you compromise some of your standards. This book suggests (as does OT a lot of the time) that so long as you CHOOSE to adjust your standards or "give of yourself" and don't feel forced to do it, things will be ok and you WILL grow from the experience.
Again, just consider what is being talked about here and look at your own goals and see what may be the right thing to do right now, for YOU.
