I haven't forgotten you, just been spending a lot of the past few days thinking about your post and talking to my C about it. The situation I'm in right now is not a good one. I reached my goal of becoming H's best friend, but I feel that has also given him the incorrect assumption that I understand what he's doing with OW and that I'm ok with it on some level. Of course I am not. H is still clueless about a lot of things, though I do see a lot of growth.
But he still lives in that damn bubble where he and I can be best friends, remain married, but each see someone else and everything just stays peachy in oz. C and I discussed that this isn't a healthy situation and it's pretty frustrating for me. The other 3 people in this equation seem content to just wait and wait, but that's not healthy at a certain point either.
H and I are married. Yet we're both seeing other people and having big time relationships with each. Then why the hell are we married? That's not a marriage. The boat needs to get rocked and I think I'm the only one who's strong enough and has the peace of mind and understanding to do. Ah, what a great position that is to be in. C says H has never had any repercussions from this affair yet.
I have added to the confusion by becoming serious with OG too. On one hand, it was just part of getting on with my life after nearly a year. However, I'm still MARRIED and I don't want a divorce. H tells me same thing, he doesn't want a divorce. Well we're not mormons for god's sake.
I was going to take OG to a wedding, basically 'cause I didn't want to go alone. C brought up the fact that that is a major and somewhat ironic event to take someone too. She suggested I ask H to go and see what he says. She then suggested that since I'm starting to feel pressured by OG and frustrated by H that I distance from everything. What do you guys think about asking h to wedding. She said I'd at least have more info on where H stands after he answers (I think he'll say no).
And as C pointed out, how can H be your best friend and be having an affair? That's not a real great friend. I know obvious, but those things get sort of lost in the insanity of it all. I would appreciate some advice. I have come to the point where I have to let H know I'm not ok with affair, although I would like to be his wife/friend, I can't do it with OW with him. That isn't realistic.
THis is suck a crappy position to be in. I have to distance from OG and H.
Ok, I was a little whiney in my last post. Needed to vent I guess. Everything overwhelmed me for a while. Last night was hard to, explained everything to OG. He agreed with me that we needed to face facts and change something, your boat can't sail if the water never moves .
So we decided to back off until I can figure things out. I'm gonna ask H to wedding. I don't think he'll go but it's sort of just a guaging point. I just read JJ's post to Lee and he hit the nail on the head. I've never gotten really angry. I went from being deeply hurt to this higher plain of understanding it all. It's been almost a year (Nov) and that's enough time.
What was eating at me yesterday was that I felt sort of like the maryter that had to sacrifice losing everything to enable three other people to get on with their lives. I don't see myself as taking care of any of them or needing to, it just feels like that sort of. Like because I'm the strongest it's up to me. But that's life right.
Now I'm gonna have to talk to H. Tell him I broke it off with OG because point blank, "I'm married." See what his response is. Then I'm gonna have to do the scariest thing I've done yet and tell him that I can't be his best friend with OW in his life. The thought of completly breaking away from him scares me to death. It's something I really do not want to do at all. But I know I have to.
I am just about to go over and tackle the important stuff I'm getting from Kent and JJ and others- I wanted to tell you you are inspiring to me right now. You sound really level-headed, brave (even if it doesn't feel like it) and solution-oriented. I hope your talk with H causes somes waves in that water you spoke of (good ones). Good luck and I'm rooting for you too.
Why tell H that you can't be his best friend while he is seeing OW? Just stop cold turkey, he'll get the point. I'll poke at you a little bit by adding this well known, much used DB cliche: Actions speak louder than words.
Keep in touch.
Greg
[This message has been edited by gbon (edited 08-07-2001).]
Thanks lee, I'm glad I'm able to help you a little. Good luck with your alien.
Good point Greg. That reminded me of the fact that I have told him that in our last counseling session. I don't need to tell him again. I totally forgot about that.
I'll keep it simple. Ask him to wedding, that will give me a little more info on where his head's out. I'm trying to decide if it's beneficial to tell him I've stopped seeing OG. On one hand, if he asks anything about why etc., I can give him the very short and powerful answer "because I'm married."
Or is that another thing I don't need to tell him. This may sound like pressure, but it's a new tactic, no pressure or OR talk hasn't been working- we're at a stalemate.
I also have to be very careful not to expect a response right away if at all. It may be that he's fine with the thought of completly losing me out of his life and he would rather lose me than OW. But if that's the case I am certainly better off knowing that.
How do you gear up for the real distancing though? This is really going to be hard. I actually have this feeling like I'm abandoning him-it's that bizarre.
H, As with all DB tactics, watch to see wether they work or not. Distancing is no different.
There are two reasons to distance yourself from H. First, So you can escape the pain associated with watching his crisis. 2nd, to better enable you to focus on your own issues and growth.
In many cases, the detatched spouses senses the withdrawl and begins to draw closer or pursue. It is a pretty natural occurance. If your distancing yeilds negative results, you can always back off and try something different.
If your gonna distance, don't tell H about it. Just do it. Then watch the reaction. Make sure you give it some time. At least a couple of weeks unless real negative results occur.
The way Kent pointed it out, seems more like an "experiment" of distancing, not a permanent status. And it will be in your -dare I say- control- also. YOU'RE the one doing it, not him. That seems be a less scary way to think of it, even to me. (Taking note of it...)
Lee I agree with Kent too. That does seem to be a far less scary way of thinking of it. It's not like I have to keep doing it if everything seems to go to hell. Actually my C put it a good way too. She said I just need to rock the boat, not tip the thing over.
I'll see him tomorrow,so I'll start my little expereiment then by asking him to the wdding. Then it will be easy to back off since I'm at our state fair on Friday so I won't have any contact with him other than Thursday basically, which makes things easier for me at least.
Instead of asking him to go to the wedding (pursuit?), why don't you tell him that you are going, then see what his reaction will be. Then, maybe, ask him to go with you.
Hi there H! - Just out of curiosity, do you know the exact words you're gonna use when you ask your H to the wedding?
I think Kent's totally right about the reasons for distancing, and the natural effectiveness of it. For both partners. It's quite a dance, watch your partner's steps closely. And you don't always have to FOLLOW their steps, it's ok to stick your foot in there to trip them every once in a while!! In fact, it's kinda fun!!
P.S. Cross-posted a bit here with Greg, his suggestion is kinda along the lines I was thinking, too.
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 08-07-2001).]
JJ
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